NURSERY  ETHICS 


BY 


FLORENCE  HULL  WINTERBURN 


NEW  YORK 

THE   MERRIAM   COMPANY 
67  FIFTH  AVENUE 


COPYRIGHT,  1895, 

BY 
THE  MERRIAM  COMPANY 


tfatbet. 


PREFACE. 


IT  is  about  six  years  ago  now  since  the 
papers  forming  the  nucleus  of  this  little 
book  were  written.  Much  of  the  work 
was  done  with  two  little  faces  gazing 
wonderingly  at  me  from  either  side  of  my 
desk,  and  whatever  value  it  has  is  owing 
as  much  to  the  inspiration  drawn  from 
that  living  child  presence  as  from  the 
long  years  of  study  and  observation 
which  preceded  the  effort  whose  results 
are  now  offered  to  the  thoughtful  public. 

The  principle  underlying  every  line  of 
this  book  is  that  of  justice  to  children. 
The  idea  that  there  should  be  a  code  of 
laws  for  the  nursery  as  there  is  for  com- 
munities may  be  a  novel  one  to  persons 
accustomed  to  entire  unrestraint  in  their 
control  of  their  children.  If  arbitrary  or 
capricious  methods  were  always  attended 

5 


6  PREFACE. 

with  happy  results,  and  if  by  the  exercise 
of  instinct  only  parents  were  able  to  rear 
their  children  with  perfect  satisfaction, 
then  they  would  be  justified  in  declining 
to  spend  time  reflecting  upon  their  duties 
or  studying  into  the  philosophy  of  parent- 
hood. 

But  while  there  is  scarcely  one  among 
us  who,  upon  looking  backward,  cannot 
refer  to  some  error  in  his  own  early  train- 
ing certain  misadventures  of  his  later  life, 
there  would  seem  to  be  reason  why  we 
should  try  to  find  out  the  perfect  method, 
if  there  is  one,  and  hold  that  up  to  our- 
selves as  our  working  ideal. 

The  endeavor  to  find  this  ideal  and  to 
present  it  intelligibly  to  the  many  con- 
scientious, earnest  parents  who  wish  to  do 
their  best  for  their  children  without  quite 
seeing  the  way  clear  before  them,  has 
been  my  guiding  motive  through  all  my 
work  for  the  past  half  dozen  years.  As 
editor  of  the  magazine  "  CHILDHOOD " 
and  as  a  member  of  several  parents' 
societies  I  have  been  brought  into  per- 
sonal contact  with  many  of  those  it  is  my 
desire  to  reach  in  this  book.  And  if 


PREFACE.  7 

through  this  they  should  receive  an  an- 
swer to  questions  that  have  perplexed 
them  ;  if  their  way  should  be  made  a  little 
easier,  and  the  path  of  childhood  brighter 
and  happier,  I  shall  be  thankful  and  con- 
tent. 

NEW  YORK,  Aag.  30,  1895. 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER  I. 
The  Right  Attitude  of  Parents n 

CHAPTER  II. 
The  Natural  Limitations  of  Authority 24 

CHAPTER  III. 
The  Sympathetic  Relation 37 

CHAPTER  IV. 

9 

Demand   Obedience     to     Circumstances,    Not   to 

Personal  Force 53 

CHAPTER  V. 

We  should  Associate  Natural  Consequences  with 
Acts 67 

CHAPTER  VI. 
Conflicting  Authorities  Ought  to  be  Avoided 83 

CHAPTER  VII. 

The  Judicious   Management   of   Emotional  Out- 
bursts... .   100 


10  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  VIII.  PAGE 

Prenatal  Influences  and  the  First  Days  of  Life 1 16 

CHAPTER  IX. 

The   Mental  Needs   of  Children   Must   be   Con- 
sidered     131 

CHAPTER   X. 
Dealing  with  Little  Faults 158 

CHAPTER  XI. 

The  Primary  Object  is  the  Development  of  Char- 
acter    173 

CHAPTER  XII. 
The  Early  Indications  of  Individuality 196 

CHAPTER  XIII. 
The  Growth  in  Self-Government 208 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
The  Evolution  of  Personal  Conscience 224 


NURSERY   ETHICS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

THE   RIGHT   ATTITUDE   OF   PARENTS. 

"The  ideal  in  education  would  be,  to  allow  each 
child  scope  for  its  own  particular  bent,  while  at  the 
same  time  setting  our  example  before  him." — PEREZ. 

TT  is  a  most  difficult  and  delicate  matter 
to  lay  down  rules  for  domestic  govern- 
ment, because  it  involves  admonitions  to 
the  parents  concerning  their  own  con- 
duct ;  and  while  people  acknowledge,  re- 
luctantly, that  example  is  a  more  potent 
force  than  precept  in  training  the  young, 
they  can  scarcely  be  brought  to  admit 
that  faultiness  in  themselves  unfits  them 
for  the  position  of  disciplinarians.  The 
current  idea  of  the  way  to  bring  up  a 
child  is  to  "  tell  him  what  he  must  do 


j  2  NURSE K  Y  £  THICS. 

(mark  the  emphasis  must)  and  enforce 
obedience."  The  question  seems  to  be 
not  so  much  the  nature  of  the  rule  as  that 
there  is  a  rule,  a  regimen,  the  prescribing 
and  carrying  out  of  which  vindicates  the 
dignity  of  the  parent  and  shows  him  up 
to  the  world  as  an  admfrable  drill-ser- 
geant. Although  modern  usage  has  soft- 
ened and  modified  the  practice  that  ob- 
tained in  "  the  good  old  time  "  of  keeping 
children  in  a  state  of  manifest  subjection, 
still,  the  change  is  one  of  necessity  rather 
than  resolution,  the  tendency  of  modern 
life  setting  so  strongly  toward  individual 
liberty  that  the  iron-clad  regulations  that 
used  to  prevail  everywhere  have  every- 
where insensibly  relaxed.  The  old  ideal 
still  exists,  however.  We  see  that  it 
holds  its  authority  even  with  the  most 
gentle  parents  in  such  utterances  as  these  : 
"  In  my  day  children  were  seen  and  not 
heard."  "  I  would  not  have  dared  speak 
that  way  to  my  mother."  "Truly,  things 
have  come  to  a  pretty  pass  when  mites 
like  you  are  to  be  asked  what  you  like  !  " 
It  seems  that  while  they  find  it  impossi- 
ble to  continue  in  their  own  families  the 


WISDOM  NEEDED.  13 

measures  that  repressed  their  childhood, 
they  believe  it  right  to  be  stern  if  they 
could  and  reproach  themselves  for  weak- 
ness when  they  are  indulgent.  In  face  of 
this  fact  that  kindness  is  a  sort  of  surrepti- 
tious action  that  must  be  hid  from  Solo- 
mon, one  cannot  wonder  that  a  modern 
philosopher  closes  some  remarks  upon 
this  subject  with  the  dry  conclusion  : 
"  The  general  practice  of  any  ideal  system 
of  discipline  is  hopeless.  Parents  are  not 
good  enough." 

But  I  think  that  although  half  the  fault 
may  lie  in  that  direction,  at  least  half  lies 
in  the  want  of  knowledge.  Parents  are 
not  wise  enough.  Egotism  keeps  them 
ignorant.  For,  while  every  one  will 
readily  confess  that  without  special  train- 
ing he  could  not  manage  a  steam-engine 
or  take  charge  of  a  parish  where  the  grave 
responsibility  would  fall  upon  him  of 
advising  men  as  to  the  welfare  of  their 
souls,  the  same  people  would  unhesitat- 
ingly assume  the  charge  of  a  child.  It 
is  a  natural  function.  But  it  is  no  more 
natural  than  marriage,  and  the  disastrous 
effects  of  trusting  altogether  to  nature 


1 4  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

and  disregarding  reason  here,  is  con- 
stantly made  manifest.  When  one  re- 
flects what  exquisite  tact  is  required  by 
two  grown  people  living  together  in  the 
married  relation  to  get  along  in  harmony, 
even  when  they  possess  an  ordinary 
amount  of  self-control  and  considerable 
knowledge  of  human  nature,  it  becomes 
evident  that  it  is  even  more  difficult  for 
an  adult  to  deal  justly  with  a  child  whose 
own  point  of  view  is  consistently  ignored, 
and  whose  only  chance  of  being  under- 
stood and  sympathized  with  lies  in  the 
accuracy  and  vividness  of  those  recollec- 
tions of  his  own  childhood  which  a  parent 
occasionally  brings  to  bear  in  his  dealings 
with  his  children.  And  even  these  recol- 
lections may  not  be  at  all  pertinent  to 
the  case  ;  for  the  child  may  not  be  like 
either  parent  in  disposition  or  tempera- 
ment, and  so,  what  they  would  prefer  for 
themselves  may  be  inherently  distasteful 
to  the  child.  Knowing  that  our  power 
of  sympathizing  with  another  is  limited 
by  our  experience,  since  sympathy  in-, 
volves  either  the  having  passed  through, 
or  possessing  capacity  to  pass  through 


CHILDREN  ARE  EMOTIONAL.          15 

the  state  exhibited  by  him  to  us,  we 
should  be  very  cautious  of  assuming  that 
we  understand  our  children,  and  have  the 
right  to  disregard  their  preferences  as 
childish  whims.  Even  if  they  are  whim- 
sical that  is  a  perfectly  logical  consequence 
of  their  stage  of  mental  development. 
Reason  has  its  infancy,  but  emotions 
seem  to  be  born  full-grown.  Children 
are  emotional,  and  so  often  apparently 
eccentric,  but  while  allowances  are  made 
for  the  eccentricities  of  an  adult,  it  is 
considered  most  naughty  for  a  child  to 
be  peculiar.  Yet,  even  if  nature  had  dis- 
posed them  to  be  ideally  reasonable,  the 
training  they  are  commonly  subjected  to 
would  unsettle  their  wits. 

The  prevailing  fear  with  many  con- 
scientious parents  is  that  they  shall  be 
too  mild  ;  that  their  policy  shall  not  be 
repressive  enough  ;  and  as  no  humane  per- 
son can  consistently  maintain  an  attitude 
of  harshness  throughout,  they  waver  be- 
tween lenient  impulses  and  scruples  tend- 
ing toward  severity,  so  that  their  children 
are  brought  up  as  on  a  border-land  be- 
tween conflicting  powers,  alternately  capt- 


1 6  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

ured  and  released,  until  they  come  to 
have  a  philosophical  contempt  forauthor- 
ity  of  any  sort. 

Small  blame  to  them.  When  the  im- 
pulse of  the  moment  makes  the  law,  and 
nothing  is  stable,  when  they  see  their 
parents  change  like  the  weather-cocks,  it  is 
quite  natural,  and,  in  fact,  only  doing 
justice  to  the  situation,  for  them  to  count 
upon  the  variability  of  the  parental  mind, 
and  calculate  upon  having  their  own  way. 
Children,  being  so  susceptible,  are  quickly 
made  aware  of  every  change  of  mood  in 
their  elders,  and  when  they  are  surrounded 
by  impulsive  people,  who  are  swayed  in 
their  treatment  of  them  by  the  feeling  of 
the  moment,  they  learn  to  take  advantage 
of  the  favorable  period,  and  by  warily 
humoring  the  whims  of  those  in  authority, 
get  from  favor  what  they  could  not  hope 
from  justice.  Nature  gives  her  small 
creatures  cunning,  to  pit  them  against  the 
destructive  force  of  her  monsters,  so  we 
should  rather  inquire  into  the  reason  of 
the  development  of  cunning  in  children, 
when  they  display  it,  than  blame  them 
for  possessing  what  may  be  their  sole 


A  FOOLISH  MOTHER.  17 

weapon  of  defense  against  hard  circum- 
stances. 

I  have  heard  people  cry  out  bitterly  at 
being  outwitted  by  their  own  children. 
A  boy,  subject  to  irregular  government, 
rushes  into  the  parlor  where  his  mother 
is  entertaining  company,  and  begs  loudly 
for  the  doughnuts  cook  is  frying.  And 
in  the  majority  of  instances  his  demand 
is  granted,  even  if  it  would  be  denied  were 
no  one  present.  Let  the  mother  ask  her- 
self why.  Sometimes  to  prevent  an  ex- 
hibition of  temper  from  the  child  which 
would  betray  the  fact  that  she  was  not 
able  to  restrain  him  ;  and  sometimes,  in 
the  foolish  fear  lest  the  visitor  should 
think  her  harsh  or  mean.  There  really 
are  mothers  of  this  sort,  and  in  refined  cir- 
cles. Some  who,  in  an  affected  display  of 
lavishness,  will  give  their  children  expen- 
sive bon-bons  that  others  may  see  they 
can  afford  to  do  so  ;  or  will  permit  the 
wearing  of  best  clothes  upon  an  ordinary 
occasion  lest  the  person  who  is  standing 
by  should  suppose  they  are  obliged  to  be 
careful.  Yet,  after  company  has  gone, 
and  the  "  company  manners  "  which  marks 


l8  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

the  moral  as  well  as  the  social  parvenue, 
are  relaxed,  there  is  an  avalanche  of  blame 
for  "  that  child  who  always  takes  advan- 
tage of  me  when  visitors  are  present." 

Well,  the  child  knows  her  for  a  moral 
coward,  one  whose  "  no  "  means  that  she 
does  not  want  to,  and  whose  "  yes  "  means 
that  she  is  obliged  to.  Courtiers  know 
that  a  weak  monarch  is  the  worst  of  ty- 
rants, because  one  can  never  be  sure  of  him, 
and  they  are  subtle  and  deft  in  their  man- 
ipulations of  his  moods,  their  place  de- 
pending upon  their  adroitness.  So 
the  child  who  loves  doughnuts  to  ex- 
cess, and  believes,  arguing  from  his  gen- 
eral knowledge  of  her  character,  that 
his  mother  refuses  this  gratification  as 
she  does  others,  merely  for  her  conven- 
ience, is  by  no  means  criminal  in  pursu- 
ing his  wishes  when  the  conditions  are 
obviously  upon  his  side.  Her  indecision 
and  vanity  are  the  means  of  educating 
him  in  diplomacy.  For,  naturally,  chil- 
dren are  straightforward  and  would  prefer 
to  go  frankly  to  the  point  if  it  was  safe 
to  do  so.  And  usually  they  are  too 
straightforward  for  their  own  advantage. 


THE  BOOKS  THEY  READ.  19 

Are  they  not  perpetually  rebuked  for 
"  sauciness  "  when  they  blurt  out  some 
opinion  that  may  have  more  than  a  germ 
of  truth  in  it,  but  would  create  a  domes- 
tic revolution  if  attended  to  ?  It  is  a 
very  difficult  thing  for  a  parent  who  is 
even  a  little  unworthy,  to  keep  the  re- 
spect of  his  children.  They  see  other 
parents,  they  hear  the  talk  of  other  chil- 
dren about  their  fathers  and  mothers,  and 
their  pride  and  affection  are  both  wounded 
when  they  are  made  to  feel  that  their 
own  are  less  gentle,  less  companionable, 
less  lovely  altogether  than  those  of  their 
friends.  And  another  way  in  which  their 
faculty  of  comparing  and  criticising  is  ed- 
ucated is  through  the  books  they  read. 
In  the  nice  little  Sunday-school  books  we 
give  them,  to  teach  them  what  model  chil- 
dren are  like,  they  learn  something  about 
pattern  parents :  self-denying  mothers 
who  smilingly  play  with  their  little  boys 
when  they  would  rather  go  visiting  or  sew 
lace  in  their  gowns  ;  and  generous  fathers 
who  don't  buy  cigars  and  liquors  with 
their  money,  but  say,  when  a  birthday 
comes :  "  Here,  Tom,  here  is  the  bicycle 


2  0  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

you  have  been  dying  for ;  take  it  and  be 
happy  !  " 

Do  you  suppose  that  their  eyes  do  not 
water  sometimes,  and  their  little  hearts 
grow  heavy  as  they  contrast  the  parental 
character  in  story-books  with  the  conduct 
they  have  daily  experience  of?  They 
find  out  even  where  the  error  lies  in  their 
own  training.  A  scolding  mother,  fond 
but  high-tempered,  was  once  electrified 
by  her  twelve-year-old  daughter  telling  her 
gravely  that  she  was  not  "judicious." 
The  truth  was  too  much  a  home-thrust, 
and  nothing  was  to  be  done  but  to  si- 
lence the  girl  with  a  charge  of  imperti- 
nence. Yet  that  child  felt  within  her  own 
mind  all  the  weight  of  the  misfortune  of 
her  position.  She  knew  herself  to  be  con- 
scientious and  desirous  to  have  absolute 
confidence  in  her  mother,  yet  she  was, 
unhappily  for  herself,  too  logical  not  to 
trace  out  the  inconsistencies  and  selfishness 
that  were  all  too  apparent.  The  little, 
helpless  Cassandras,  that  sit  among  us  as 
witnesses  and  would  utter  true  sayings 
if  they  dared — how  little  their  instincts 
are  attended  to ! 


PARENTAL  CONSISTENCY.  21 

One  of  the  most  importunate  needs  of 
a  child  is  for  invariability  in  treatment. 
It  is  indeed  difficult  for  an  adult  to  keep 
in  mind  what  he  very  well  knows,  that  the 
ignorance  of  a  new-born  infant  is  absolute, 
that  it  has  no  preference  in  favor  of  either 
good  or  bad  conduct,  and  that  its  moral 
nature  will  be  developed,  as  will  its  intel- 
lectual nature,  entirely  through  association. 
How  very  important  it  is,  then,  that  this 
dawning  intelligence  should  not  be  con- 
fused by  inconsistent  representations — 
that  the  partial  statements  made  to  it 
from  day  to  day  should  "  hang  together," 
so  that  one  may  naturally  correlate  itself 
with  another,  thus  establishing  a  chain 
of  facts  capable  of  being  embraced  under 
a  general  law.  Sometimes  the  moral 
balance  of  a  child  may  depend  upon  its 
parents'  power  of  consistency  ;  and  the 
want  of  it  is  always  disturbing  and  sure 
to  create  confusion  and  distrust.  People 
are  often  very  rash  in  their  generaliza- 
tions with  children,  not  reflecting  that  as 
their  utterances  are  made  oracularly  they 
will  sink  deep  into  young  minds  and  be 
given  wide  application.  A  child  is  told, 


2  2  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

for  instance,  that  because  his  mother 
is  older  and  more  experienced  than 
he  she  knows  that  a  certain  kind  of 
conduct  is  wrong.  Perhaps  the  same 
day  his  father,  or  his  grandmother,  con- 
tradicts this,  and  affirms  that  it  is  harm- 
less. They  are  equally  old  and  experi- 
enced, more  so.  The  doctors  disagree, 
and  the  young  pupil  turns  critic.  His 
mother  has  based  her  affirmation  upon 
untenable  grounds,  and  it  falls  through. 
She  essayed  to  seem  infallible  and  is 
justly  found  out.  Suppose,  instead  of  as- 
serting positively  that  which  she  had  only 
reason  for  believing  true,  she  had,  recol- 
lecting that  all  knowledge  is  relative,  ex- 
pressed a  qualified  opinion,  or  given  ad- 
vice with  the  avowal  that  her  affection 
and  interest  made  her  solicitous  that  the 
child  should  do  thus  and  so.  There  are 
no  weak  points  in  this  armor.  A  child 
never  seeks  to  pick  flaws  in  love.  He 
will  cling  loyally  to  it,  even  if  it  cannot 
give  a  conclusive  answer  to  all  his  ques- 
tions. And  true  love,  always  unselfish, 
finds  it  possible  to  be  consistent,  because 
being  simple  and  frank  it  makes  no  pre- 


SELF-SACRIFICING  LOVE.  23 

tenses,  and  being  without  egotism,  it  is 
not  anxious  to  appear  perfect,  and  is 
saved  from  the  consequence  of  becoming 
absurd. 

But,  despite  all  the  talk  of,  and  all  the 
belief  in,  parental  affection,  the  fact  is 
that  a  perfectly  unselfish  parental  love  is 
very  rare.  It  had  need  exist,  for  the  re- 
lations existing  between  parents  and  child 
demand  the  exercise  upon  the  part  of  the 
stronger  of  extraordinary  self-restraint  so 
that  they  may  be  enabled  to  think  con- 
stantly of  the  feelings  of  those  who  are 
subject  to  them,  and  prevented  from 
yielding  to  the  temptation  that  besets 
every  one  who  is  invested  with  authority  : 
the  tendency  to  abuse  it. 

When  one  thinks  of  the  immense  power 
residing  in  the  parents,  and  perceives  how 
easily  a  whim  or  caprice  may  mar  or 
wreck  the  career  of  the  individual  under 
their  charge,  one  needs  great  confidence  in 
the  natural  right  instinct  of  humanity  and 
the  most  profound  trust  in  the  self-sacri- 
ficing love  of  the  parental  heart  to  be  able 
to  believe  that  this  relation  can  be  carried 
out  with  any  approach  to  ideal  perfection. 


CHAPTER  II. 

THE   NATURAL   LIMITATIONS   OF 
AUTHORITY. 

"  A  careful  study  of  general  moral  laws  will  reveal 
the  fact  that  hitherto  in  the  world  too  much  relative 
stress  has  been  laid  upon  the  duties  of  children  to 
parents,  while  too  little  attention  has  been  given  to  the 
duties  of  parents  to  their  children  ;  this  for  the  reason 
that  books  upon  duty  have  been  written  by  parents  and 
the  childrens'  side  of  the  question  has  been  quite 
ignored." — JOHONNOT. 

DOWER  has  ordinarily  no  other  reason 
for  being  than  the  inclination  of  the 
person  possessing  it  to  continue  in  its  pos- 
session. The  habit  of  controlling  a  thing 
induces  the  belief  that  it  belongs  to  one, 
and  even  a  right  gained  originally  by 
usurpation  may  finally  come  to  be  held  by 
conscientious  conviction.  This  is  true  in 
great  national  affairs,  and  true  in  the 
affairs  of  every-day  life.  Does  not  our 
great  English  satirist,  Dickens,  whose 


A   USURPATION.  25 

graphic  pictures  reveal  far-reaching  mean- 
ings to  the  student  of  human  nature,  tell 
us  how  Miss  Betsy  Trotwood  had  firmly 
persuaded  herself  that  she  owned  the  field 
under  her  window,  and  was  perfectly 
justified  in  waging  war  upon  trespassing 
donkeys  ? 

How  did  the  excessive  power  formerly 
possessed  by  parents  over  their  children 
grow  up  ?  It  is  something  peculiar  to 
human  beings,  and  unknown  to  the  lower 
species,  where  the  relation  maintained  is 
simply  protective  on  the  part  of  the  par- 
ents. There  is  no  doubt  that  it  is  a  usurp- 
ation, as  all  excessive  power  of  one 
person  over  another  is.  It  comes  down 
from  the  terrible  days  when  "  might  made 
right,"  and  has  in  a  great  measure  main- 
tained its  existence,  because  man  has  not 
yet  made  such  a  mental  advance  as  en- 
ables him  to  feel  that  acute  sympathy 
with  his  children  that  is  necessary  before 
he  can  understand  their  feelings  in  the 
situation  in  which  he  has  placed  them. 
Sympathy  is  the  accompaniment  of  civil- 
ization, and  the  voluntary  resignation  of 
power  is  only  possible  from  those  persons 


26  W17RSER  Y  E THICS. 

whose  organizations  are  so  sensitive  that 
they  themselves  suffer  from  inflicting 
pain  upon  others.  This  is  an  attribute  of 
the  highest  moral  nature,  and  should  be 
cultivated,  not  resisted,  as  some  parents 
resist  it,  from  a  stern  sense  of  duty. 
Many  of  our  ideas  of  duty  are  still  bar- 
baric. In  our  hearts  we  still  sacrifice  to 
Moloch.  There  are  times  when  we  are 
conscious  of  this  and  wish  that  we  were 
more  enlightened.  It  is  possible  to  be- 
come so  ;  not  by  studying  books  upon 
ethics  which  persistently  represent  one 
side,  but  by  cultivating  both  our  sym- 
pathy and  our  perception  ;  by  studying 
children  and  striving  to  understand  them, 
for  only  through  understanding  their 
needs  and  their  tendencies  shall  we  be 
able  to  arrive  at  any  just  ideas  of  the 
government  it  is  our  duty  to  exercise  over 
them. 

Theorizing  is,  in  questions  of  discipline, 
of  very  little  value.  There  are  a  few 
general  principles  that  are  firm  ground  on 
which  to  build  a  superstructure  of  family 
government  that  must  be  varied  accord- 
ing to  the  special  needs  of  each  family. 


ADULTS  CLAIM  THE  WORLD.          27 

First  and  foremost,  a  parent  must  ask  him- 
self what  is  the  extent  and  what  the  pur- 
pose of  his  natural  authority  over  his 
child.  Janet,  in  his  "  Elements  of  Morals," 
states  it  absolutely  :  "  Parental  authority 
has  no  other  origin  than  the  actual  interest 
of  the  children,  and  the  mission  of  the 
parent  is  to  represent  it." 

What  a  marvelous  power  of  self-abne- 
gation is  demanded  of  a  parent  who  is 
thus  called  upon  to  represent  to  himself 
as  judge  and  legislator,  the  interests  of 
another  individual  often  seemingly  at  va- 
riance with  his  own.  Is  it  easy  for  him 
to  adjust  all  affairs  with  an  eye  to  their 
proper  relations  and  degrees  of  impor- 
tance ;  to  balance  against  his  own  comfort 
his  child's  enlightenment,  or  the  child's 
chances  of  innocent  enjoyment  against 
his  own  conveniences,  or  the  child's  ulti- 
mate and  permanent  welfare  against  his 
own  tastes  and  preferences  ?  There  is  no 
idea  more  settled  than  that  the  world  be- 
longs to  adults.  Children  are  admitted  on 
good  behavior.  They  may  force  their  way 
in  if  nature  has  gifted  them  rarely  with 
beauty  or  brains,  as  in  that  case  the  weight 


28  NURSE R  y  £  THICS. 

of  abstract  power  is  pitted  against  physi- 
cal force.  But  their  existence  is  kindly 
tolerated.  They  are  looked  upon  as  ad- 
juncts— sometimes  as  necessary  evils  in- 
cidental to  marriage,  and  to  be  endured, 
as  mosquitoes  are  in  summer.  It  seldom 
enters  the  head,  even  of  a  fond  and  indulg- 
ent parent,  that  there  is  an  inevitable 
obligation  upon  him  to  be  kind.  His 
kindness  is  a  concession,  and  he  secretly 
takes  a  certain  credit  to  himself  for  ex- 
ercising it.  No  one  would  hold  him  to 
account  if  he  were  otherwise.  Frequent- 
ly a  child  is  told  to  "  get  out  of  the 
way,"  as  if  his  presence  littered  up  the 
world  !  Large  affairs  must  go  on  ;  there 
are  factories  to  be  run,  railroads  to  be 
built,  social  duties  to  be  attended  to,  and 
all  the  concerns  bearing  upon  bodily  com- 
fort necessarily  receive  the  first  attention. 
So  far  as  regards  the  animal  needs  of  a 
child  he  is  usually  not  neglected.  He  is 
fed,  clothed,  and  taken  out  of  doors  to  get 
the  air.  In  fact  he  is  viewed  as  a  young 
animal — with  the  one  exception  that  he  is 
not  allowed  liberty.  The  clothes  he  wears 
are  loaned  him  by  his  parents,  who  exact 


ONL  Y  A  MONGREL.  29 

that  this  young  animal,  with  the  instinct 
to  frolic  and  be  careless,  shall  have  the 
prudence  of  a- being  in  a  high  state  of 
civilization.  Perhaps  there  is  a  latent 
possibility  within  him  to  become  such  a 
being.  But  the  conditions  are  not  favor- 
able. There  is  a  restriction  against  his 
being  either  the  animal  he  is  called  or  the 
highly  developed  creature  he  is  expected 
to  act  like.  He  is  condemned  to  be  a 
mongrel.  Sitting  in  their  little  carriages, 
or  pattering  along  beside  nurses  either 
taciturn  or  engaged  in  congenial  chat 
with  friends,  these  children  of  our  modern 
families  have  scarcely  more  freedom  in 
reality  than  the  sons  of  the  ancient 
Egyptian  kings  who  walked  behind  their 
father  carrying  his  fans.  With  the  rarest 
exceptions  they  live  a  silent  life,  shut  up 
like  sleeping  beauties  behind  their  hedge 
of  ignorance  and  wonder  which  no  one  at- 
tempts to  penetrate  to  effect  their  release. 
Their  education,  instead  of  being  a  de- 
velopment of  what  is  internal  and  individ- 
ual to  themselves  is  external,  a  teaching 
of  behavior  and  manners.  So  a  child  be- 
haves well  who  inquires  what  he  thinks 


3o  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

and  believes  ?  He  often  grows  up  with 
the  most  singular  views  of  morality,  and 
which  would  surely  have  been  corrected 
if  any  one  had  taken  the  trouble  to  draw 
out  his  ideas.  If  the  right  relations  ex- 
isted between  parents  and  their  child,  he 
would,  instead  of  being  an  alien,  be  an  in- 
dispensable member  of  their  little  commu- 
nity, his  interests  and  theirs  harmonizing 
through  the  existence  of  mutual  under- 
standing and  sympathy.  It  is  possible  to 
bring  a  child  up  to  our  level,  socially  and 
morally,  if  ceasing  from  the  first  to  look 
upon  him  as  a  being  of  inferior  or  diverse 
nature,  we  regard  him  rather  as  undevel- 
oped man,  with  propensities  as  tenacious 
and  exacting  as  our  own,  capable  of  being 
influenced,  but  not  of  changing  their  char- 
acter. 

We  realize  very  little  of  the  intensity 
and  force  of  our  children's  tastes  and 
desires,  because  we  are  seldom  in  a  suffi- 
ciently disinterested  condition  to  take 
account  of  them.  They  fall  in  outwardly 
with  our  ways  and  pass  a  great  part  of 
their  lives  in  subjection  to  our  opinions. 
This  is,  in  a  measure,  inevitable.  But  it 


A  GRAVE  RESPONSIBILITY.  31 

surely  is  enough,  that  in  matters  of  con- 
scientious conviction  we  must  impose  the 
law  of  our  own  being  upon  our  offspring. 
Even  our  right  to  do  this  is  very  re- 
stricted. Every  human  being  has  certain 
needs  of  his  nature  to  which  there  is  a 
corresponding  agency  in  the  physical  or 
mental  sphere  ;  to  interfere  with  this 
natural  harmony,  is  to  deprive  him  of  a 
part  of  his  life.  Yet,  to  some  degree, 
this  interference  is  bound  to  take  place. 
We  have  a  thousand  excuses  for  inducing 
others  to  do  as  we  do,  not  because  it  is 
the  only  right  course,  but  because  it  saves 
us  the  trouble  of  weighing  the  right 
and  wrong  of  some  other  course.  In 
affairs  of  real  importance,  it  is  sometimes 
essential  to  sacrifice  the  happiness  of  one 
member  to  that  of  the  others,  and  of 
securing  uniformity  of  action  at  the  cost 
of  pain  and  inconvenience.  But  it  is  a 
grave  responsibility  thus  to  assume 
charge  of  the  destiny  of  another,  and  it 
cannot  but  be  looked  upon  as  a  most  un- 
pleasant necessity,  never  to  be  sought. 
So  far  as  possible,  children  should  be  left 
at  liberty  to  develop  their  own  peculiar- 


3  2  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

ities.  They  may  seem  strange  to  us  and 
different  from  what  we  should  have  pre- 
ferred in  our  offspring,  but  we,  who  are 
apt  to  look  upon  ourselves  as  the  primary 
authors  of  their  being,  are  but  a  single 
pair  in  the  long  line  of  parents.  So  far 
as  inheritance  is  concerned,  our  child  may 
belong  far  more  to  some  great  grand- 
father, many  times  removed,  than  he 
belongs  to  us,  and  an  inherent  necessity 
rests  upon  him  to  grow  into  the  likeness 
of  his  real,  near  progenitor.  It  is  our 
duty  to  guide  and  instruct,  but  rather  by 
example  than  through  argument.  For 
the  child  will  gladly  adopt  from  us  those 
ideas  and  ways  that  he  has  an  affinity 
for,  and  when  he  shows  refractoriness 
it  is  not  infrequently  either  because  we 
have  been  awkward  or  brutal  in  attempt- 
ing to  force  our  ways  upon  him,  and  so 
have  aroused  his  antagonism  ;  or  else, 
because  conformity  is  simply,  from  his 
diverse  nature,  impossible  to  him. 

We  should  respect  individuality  in  our 
children  as  a  mark  of  their  value.  A 
passive,  phlegmatic  disposition  is  not  the 
evidence  of  superior  virtue  that  it  is  often 


SELF-RESTRAINT  NEEDED.  33 

considered.  Neither  do  these  people  do 
the  work  of  the  world.  A  horse-trainer 
does  not  grudge  the  pains  he  bestows 
upon  a  spirited  animal,  and  is  not  so  un- 
reasonable as  to  resent  the  restlessness 
of  a  creature  with  sensitive  nerves.  But 
parents  are  given  to  suppressing  all  un- 
pleasant ebullitions  of  character,  without 
inquiring  into  the  cause  of  them.  May 
it  be  hoped  that  this  severity  proceeds 
from  thoughtlessness.  What  is  needed 
is  more  serious  reflection  upon  the  duty 
parents  owe  to  their  children,  to  aid  them 
in  the  development  of  their  own  essential 
individuality.  It  is  not  a  duty  easy  of 
performance,  for  self-restraint  must  pre- 
cede the  exercise  of  justice.  A  man  must 
govern  his  temper  and  subdue  his  selfish 
impulses  before  he  can  ever  perceive  that 
another  person  has  rights  he  is  bound  to 
respect ;  particularly  if  the  said  party 
is  under  his  authority  and  incapable  of 
making  any  resistance.  Perhaps  the  very 
hardest  thing  in  the  world  is  to  avoid 
being  a  tyrant  when  the  temptation  is 
offered.  The  only  safeguard  is  to  en- 
tirely dispossess  the  mind  of  the  fallacy 
3 


3  4  MURSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

that  power  in  itself,  is  a  divine  right. 
The  power  of  parents  over  children  is  an 
incident  of  the  situation,  not  the  reason 
of  it.  It  is  essential  to  recollect  that 
nature  has  established  relations  with  a 
view  to  the  benefit  of  the  children,  and 
only  secondarily  to  our  own. 

As  the  child  can  set  up  no  standard 
and  interpose  no  limitations  to  the  exer- 
cise of  authority,  the  first  duty  of  the 
parent  is  to  set  up  a  strict  standard  for 
himself,  founded  on  the  natural  law  of 
equity,  admirably  laid  down  by  Janet. 
The  difficulty  is  not  in  setting  up  the 
standard  but  in  conforming  to  it.  Far 
rather  would  we  show  others  their  duty 
than  subscribe  to  the  regulation  ourselves ! 
It  would  be  well  if  every  one  would 
remind  himself  what  Cyrus,  one  of  the 
wisest  rulers  that  ever  controlled  a  great 
nation,  said  to  his  counsellors,  that  "  no 
one  had  any  business  with  government  who 
was  not  himself  better  than  the  governed." 

A  common  observation  excusing  auto- 
cratic measures  with  the  young  is  that 
"  children  do  not  know  what  is  good  for 
them." 


A  DANGEROUS  HABIT.  35 

True  ;  but  do  their  parents  always  know 
what  is  good  for  them — do  they  make  an 
impartial  study  of  every  question  and 
decide  always  for  the  welfare  of  the 
governed  ?  Are  they  totally  disinterested 
in  their  conclusions  ?  Unless  they  pos- 
sess this  patience  and  foresight,  as  well  as 
generosity,  they  are  not  qualified  for  the 
responsible  position  they  hold.  Some 
one  has  rightly  remarked  that  we  expect 
more  perfection  of  our  children  than  we 
are  capable  of  ourselves.  I  think  that  we 
often  feel  it  a  point  of  duty  to  enjoin  upon 
others  ideals  we  have  ourselves  failed  to 
attain.  But  it  is  a  dangerous  habit,  both 
because  there  is  a  tendency  in  human 
nature  to  imagine  that  it  has  itself  more 
than  half-performed  duties  it  has  advo- 
cated, and  because  to  make  requirements 
too  stern  and  strict  for  performance  engen- 
ders hopelessness  in  the  unfortunate  one 
so  admonished. 

The  endeavor,  then,  of  a  parent  should 
be,  first,  to  make  stern  demands  of  him- 
self ;  to  be  fair-minded,  sympathetic,  and 
patient.  Next,  having  established  such 
proper  sentiments  in  his  own  mind  toward 


36  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

his  child,  to  bring  about  the  correct  rela- 
tion of  the  child  toward  himself.  If  suc- 
cess has  followed  the  attempt  in  the  first 
instance,  the  second  will  be  far  easier  than 
it  appears  at  the  instant  of  approaching 
the  subject.  In  family  government  the 
difficulty  far  more  often  lies  with  us  than 
with  our  children.  Impulse  is  the  com- 
mon guide  where  the  nicest  reasoning  and 
the  most  accurate  judgment  are  really 
required.  Mere  spontaneons  affection  is 
not  to  be  relied  upon,  for,  as  we  have  seen, 
natural  fondness  is  a  variable  quantity 
and  subject  to  disturbances  of  temper. 
Of  all  things  a  parent  should  have  perfect 
control  of  his  temper,  and  avoid  all  dis- 
position to  hasty  and  one-sided  conclu- 
sions. The  old  Egyptian  proverb  wisely 
cautions:  "  Let  bitterness  not  enter  into 
the  heart  of  a  mother." 


CHAPTER  III. 

THE  SYMPATHETIC   RELATION. 

"  Those  who  are  compelled  by  us  hate  us  as  if  de- 
spoiled of  something,  while  those  who  are  persuaded 
by  us,  love  us  as  if  they  had  received  a  favor." 

— XENOPHON'S  Anabasis. 

OTANDING  toward  his  child  in  the 
^  position  of  a  special  Providence,  the 
guide  of  his  ignorance,  the  guardian  of  his 
helplessness,  the  parent  has  a  right  to 
demand  obedience  to  the  seemingly  un- 
bounded but  really  restricted  authority 
with  which  he  is,  through  the  nature  of 
their  relations,  invested.  It  is  his  duty  to 
exercise  this  solely  with  a  view  to  the 
welfare  of  his  charge.  He  should  be  as 
honest  in  taking  care  of  the  young  per- 
sonality entrusted  to  his  care  as  he  would 
be  in  managing  funds  belonging  to  his 
bank.  Character  is  far  more  precious  than 
lucre,  and  more  easily  injured.  When  a 


38  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

parent  has  been  able  to  so  far  divest  him- 
self of  his  egotism  as  to  recognize  that 
children  are  to  be  viewed  from  the  first  as 
belonging  to  themselves,  and  not  as  prop- 
erty, he  will  understand  that  obedience  is 
not  a  natural  attribute.  Children  have  no 
spontaneous  instinct  for  it.  They  come 
into  the  world  not  knowing  what  it  is  any 
more  than  how  to  practice  it.  Herein 
one  perceives  the  desirability  of  not  mak- 
ing the  first  lessons  unduly  harsh  and 
severe.  Upon  calm  and  deliberate  reflec- 
tion is  there  not  something  monstrous  in 
beginning  a  child's  education  by  the  use 
of  brute  force?  The  one  certain  factor  to 
be  depended  upon  in  making  life  conform 
to  a  standard  is  the  power  of  habit,  and 
over  this  efficient  method  we  possess  en- 
tire control.  The  child  is  already,  through 
his  helplessness,  subject  to  us  ;  we  may  de- 
prive him  at  will  of  comfort  and  the  satis- 
faction of  his  instincts.  There  is  no  doubt 
that  this  will  be  done  inadvertently, 
through  not  understanding  him.  There 
are  many  involuntary  punishments  in- 
flicted upon  these  dumb  creatures  which 
it  might  appall  one  to  know.  Is  it,  then, 


RESTRAINT  IS  REPUGNANT.  39 

necessary  to  hammer  in  the  spike  his  sen- 
sitive flesh  already  feels,  and  impress,  by 
the  employment  of  bodily  torments,  the 
lesson  apparent  on  the  very  face  of  it, 
that  we  are  master  and  that  he  must  sub- 
mit ?  A  parent  may,  by  merely  remain- 
ing inattentive  to  insubordination  in  in- 
fants, make  them  realize  the  futility  of 
resisting.  He  may  become  to  them  a 
fate,  something  unchangeable.  There  is 
no  reason  why  he  should  aim  to  appear 
a  monster.  Restraints  are  repugnant  to 
all  human  beings,  and  those  which  are  in- 
evitable should  be  imposed  gradually  and 
gently.  There  ought  to  be  a  certain  sym- 
pathy with  the  baffled,  disappointed  feel- 
ing that  possesses  even  the  youngest 
being  when  prevented  from  carrying  out 
an  impulse.  "  Temper,"  observes  Dr. 
McCosh,  "  springs  fundamentally  from 
disappointed  appetences."  The  young 
creature  is  stirred  by  impulses  and  in- 
stinct speaks  in  the  demands  he  makes. 
For  the  nature  of  these  demands  he  is  not 
responsible  ;  heredity  is.  We  are  here  to 
educate  him  through  his  instincts,  not  to 
try  to  crush  them.  There  is  a  strange 


40  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

way  of  talking  which  even  kindly  disposed 
people  sometimes  fall  into,  as  if  the  child 
was,  from  the  outset,  "  bound  to  have  his 
own  way;"  he  "must  be  taught  that 
other  people  have  rights  as  well  as  he;" 
brought  up  to  "  mind  upon  the  instant," 
blindly,  automatically,  as  if  he  was  a  ma- 
chine possessing  an  innate  bias  toward  a 
particular  motion  not  in  harmony  with 
the  motion  of  his  guardians,  and  thereby 
provoking  in  them  a  desire  to  propel  him 
in  their  own  direction,  or  to  break  the 
machinery. 

But  a  thoughtful  person  will  scarcely 
accredit  a  new-born  infant  with  this  willful 
premeditated  antagonism.  His  cries  are 
protests  against  ill-usage ;  his  sin  is  that 
he  wants  to  be  comfortable !  He  wants 
it  very  much  indeed  ;  more  than  he  wants 
to  please  his  guardians.  How  should  he 
know  anything  about  pleasing  ?  And 
here,  at  this  instant,  is  the  time  to  ask  the 
question  :  What  sentiment  do  we  wish  to 
inspire  in  this  young  mind  toward  our- 
selves, love,  or  fear  ?  Few  parents  would 
hesitate  when  the  question  is  thus  directly 
put,  to  declare  in  favor  of  love.  But  they 


TWO  SORTS  OF  OBEDIENCE.  41 

must  be  obeyed.  Let  us  then  recognize 
that  there  are  two  sorts  of  obedience; 
deference,  or  the  desire  to  please,  and 
servility,  or  fear  of  pain.  And  they  are 
not  interchangeable.  Where  the  last  has 
been  established  it  is  very  difficult  for  the 
first  to  be  substituted.  There  is  some- 
thing so  awe-inspiring  in  the  idea  of  hu- 
man individuality,  the  expression  of  some 
unique  part  of  the  universal  spirit  of  life, 
that  one  should  be  deeply  touched  when 
there  is  a  free  surrender  of  any  portion  of 
this  individuality  to  us.  There  is  some- 
thing mysteriously  beautiful  in  such  a 
yielding.  Should  so  lovely  a  thing  be 
lightly  sacrificed  to  harsh  egotism  ?  The 
great  duty  we  should  rather  enjoin  upon 
ourselves  is  to  make  obedience  pleasur- 
able, to  prevent  the  feeling  of  humiliation 
and  pain  that  is  the  essential  accompani- 
ment of  an  enforced  yielding,  and  culti- 
vate, at  any  trouble,  the  grace  of  an  affec- 
tionate docility,  which  is  very  far  removed 
from  the  "  absolute  obedience "  usually 
commended. 

There  are  many  respects  in  which  our 
civilization  is  so  unnatural  and  so  difficult 


42  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

that  a  child's  life  is  from  the  beginning  a 
constant  series  of  checks.  Many  instinct- 
ive desires  that  could  be  gratified  under 
other  circumstances  must  be  thwarted  be- 
cause conditions  forbid.  But  let  us  be  as 
gentle  as  we  can  in  initiating  this  young 
creature  into  worldly  usages.  At  first 
only  such  impulses  as  tend  to  his  own  in- 
jury should  be  thwarted,  that  the  check 
may  stand  out  in  sharp  contrast  with  his 
usual  freedom  of  movement,  and  also  that 
there  may  grow  up  in  his  mind  an  idea 
that  a  command  is  not  an  arbitrary  ex- 
ertion on  the  part  of  the  stronger,  but  a 
kindly  ordinance,  having  in  view  his  own 
welfare.  "  Issue  as  few  edicts  as  possi- 
ble "  is  a  good  rule  for  a  parent  to  follow. 
All  the  most  cautious  and  learned  guard- 
ians of  youth  from  Socrates  down  to 
Rollin,  advocate  environing  a  child  with 
silent  care,  keeping  him  out  of  the  way  of 
temptation,  and  aiming  to  preserve  in  him 
innocence  and  purity  of  mind  as  long  as 
it  is  in  our  power  to  so  shield  him. 

In  that  remarkable  Edgeworth  family 
where  the  children  of  one  father  by  three  dif- 
ferent mothers  dwelt  together  in  harmony, 


GO VERNMENT  BY  LOVE.  43 

and  where,  according  to  the  daughter's 
record,  "not  one  tear  was  shed  a  month," 
there  was  carried  out  systematically  the 
government  by  love.  The  children  felt 
themselves  free,  because  the  government 
was  protective,  and  not  aggressive.  They 
were  guided,  but  never  interfered  with. 
From  their  earliest  years  they  were  taught 
the  reason  why  certain  requirements  were 
necessary.  If  it  was  requisite  for  them  to 
preserve  certain  boundaries  in  their  play- 
ground, it  was  solely  that  the  rights  of 
others  might  not  be  infringed  upon. 
Children  appreciate  the  principle  of  "  fair 
play,"  and  if  the  aim  of  our  training  is,  as 
it  should  be,  the  development  in  them  of 
the  power  of  self-control,  they  cannot  be 
too  early  imbued  with  the  sentiment  of 
justice.  It  may  almost  be  asserted  that 
this  feeling  is  innate  with  children  spring- 
ing from  a  race  of  self-governing  men. 
This  very  quality  is  what  makes  them  so 
difficult  to  deal  with  after  arbitrary 
methods.  It  is  in  their  blood  to  perceive 
things  for  themselves  and  to  reason. 
But  at  the  same  time  it  cannot  be  ex- 
pected of  them  that  they  should  them- 


44  NURSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

selves  always  be  reasonable.  They  are 
more  amenable  to  logic  than  the  infant 
Chinaman  would  be,  or  the  young  Rus- 
sian or  the  young  Italian,  who  are  respect- 
ively inclined  to  be  stolid,  submissive,  and 
emotional.  But  reason  exists  only  in  the 
germ,  and  it  must  be  carefully  developed. 
Rousseau  asserts  that"  reasoningtoo  early 
checks  a  child's  physical  growth,"  but  that 
is  one  of  the  instances  where  the  great 
philosopher  is  empirical  without  due  re- 
gard to  facts.  Cyrus,  one  of  the  most  ro- 
bust of  boys,  was  taught  to  reason  from 
a  very  early  age,  and  in  the  "  schools  of 
justice  "  in  Persia,  where  the  greatest  re- 
gard was  paid  to  the  physical  development 
of  youth,  the  government  was  conducted 
entirely  upon  the  plan  of  making  the  boys 
themselves  the  judges  of  conduct.  That 
celebrated  system  has  been  followed  in 
part  by  some  modern  educators,  and  with 
great  success.  Pestolozzi  improved  upon 
it  in  aiming  to  inspire  in  his  pupils  a  per- 
sonal attachment  both  to  himself  and  to 
each  other,  so  that  they  should  feel  a 
pleasure  in  witnessing  the  enjoyment 
of  another,  to  which  their  own  acts  had 


PESTALOZZPS  UNSELFISHNESS.       45 

contributed.  In  view  of  his  wonderful 
self-abnegation  the  great  affection  his  pu- 
pils entertained  for  him  was  not  extraor- 
dinary. All  know  what  privations  he  en- 
dured ;  how  he  shared  the  poverty  and 
discomforts  of  his  "  children  "  and  lived 
with  them  day  by  day  in  such  intimate 
relations  that  his  personal  existence,  all 
that  egotism  which  separates  a  man  from 
a  child  and  which  he  is  usually  unable  to 
conquer,  was  lost  in  the  great-hearted 
love  which  he  poured  out  upon  these  little 
waifs  of  humanity. 

It  is  not  worth  while  merely  to  tell  a 
child  that  we  mean  well  toward  him  and 
work  for  his  happiness.  He  must  feel 
the  truth  of  the  assertion — must  see  it 
borne  out  in  the  conditions  of  his  life. 
It  is  necessary  to  recollect  that  to  chil- 
dren one  grain  of  the  present  is  worth  a 
mountain  of  the  future  ;  lacking  fore- 
thought and  prevision,  living  in  their  sen- 
sations, eternity  is  comprised  with  them 
in  the  pleasure  or  pain  of  the  moment. 
That  far-away  "  sometime  "  of  which  we 
talk  so  sagely  conveys  no  definite  im- 
pression, and  they  are  not  able  to  appre- 


46  NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 

ciate  the  kind  of  care  that  requires  of 
them  perpetual  sacrifices  that  good  may 
come  of  it  "  one  day."  That  this  care  is 
necessary  is  unquestionable,  so,  too,  is  the 
admission  readily  made  that  we  must  ex- 
ercise for  them  the  prudence  that  exacts 
a  deferring  of  gratification  that  the  meas- 
ure of  it  may  be  greater.  But  how  long 
it  has  taken  the  human  race  to  develop 
the  prudential  motive  as  a  law  of  con- 
duct !  How  comparatively  few  fully 
accept  it  now!  It  is  an  unpleasant  doc- 
trine at  times  to  all,  and  one  that  only 
education  and  experience  reconcile  one  to 
adopting.  So  it  cannot  be  expected  that 
children  will  view  it  with  anything  but 
dismay.  Grateful  for  a  care  of  which 
they  realize  nothing  of  the  meaning,  and 
suffer,  therefore,  without  compensation 
all  the  discomforts  !  It  is  asking  too 
much.  A  child  is  not  grateful  for  the 
ordinary  comforts  of  life  ;  food,  clothes, 
and  shelter  are  part  of  his  natural  envi- 
ronment and  excite  no  comment.  Only 
in  those  pitiful  cases  where  such  absolute 
necessities  are  lacking  and  hardship  has 
prematurely  educated  the  judgment,  are 


APPRECIATED  KINDNESS.  47 

little  ones  likely  to  understand  that  these 
things  are  not  supplied  save  at  the  cost 
of  real  exertion  on  the  part  of  guardians. 
We  are  grateful  only  for  the  unexpected, 
and  especially  for  the  superfluous  ;  that 
which  is  not  essential  to  bare  existence, 
but  is  a  brightener  and  beautifier  of  our 
lives.  How  perfectly  natural,  therefore, 
that  children  should  be  indifferent  toward 
our  efforts  to  supply  them  with  an  equip- 
ment that  aids  their  success  in  after  life  ; 
that  they  shrink  from  the  difficulties  of 
learning  and  are  impatient  under  depriva- 
tions of  present  freedom  and  enjoyment 
which  they  understand,  for  the  sake  of 
some  distant  benefit  which  they  do  not 
understand. 

But  they  are  by  nature  keenly  appre- 
ciative of  kindness,  of  that  extra  effort 
which  consists  in  ministering  to  their 
need  for  pleasure.  When  not  spoiled 
they  have  a  delightful  capacity  for  being 
pleased  with  simple  things ;  the  sense 
that  their  friends  have  tried  to  indulge 
them  and  supply  what  is  wanted  is  most 
likely  to  evoke  gratitude.  But  a  careless 
and  condescending  favor  does  not  pro- 


48  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

duce  this  effect  any  more  than  it  would 
produce  it  upon  ourselves.  The  whole 
beauty  and  grace  of  an  indulgence,  as  of 
a  gift,  consists  in  the  appropriateness, 
which  shows  a  thoughtful  study  of  their 
disposition  and  tastes.  I  cannot  agree 
with  those  persons  who  consistently  dis- 
regard a  child's  natural  preferences  and 
aversions.  To  do  so  indicates  a  great 
lack  of  knowledge  of  the  laws  of  human 
development.  A  predisposition  to  some 
particular  article  of  food,  or  some  special 
form  of  recreation,  frequently  has  its 
origin  in  an  organic  need.  It  may,  of 
course,  be  merely  an  inherited  whim,  but 
no  one  has  a  right  to  so  decide  without 
first  attempting  to  acquaint  himself  with 
his  child's  disposition,  giving  time  enough 
to  determine  as  far  as  possible  whether 
the  trait  in  question  is  a  superficial  char- 
acteristic, or  whether  it  has  its  spring 
deep  in  those  hereditary  transmissions 
which  it  is  useless  and  hurtful  to  try  to 
dominate.  Even  some  habitual  acts  that 
have  the  appearance  of  willfulness  may 
often  be  traced  to  a  physical  defect  of 
which  the  individual  is  himself  uncon- 


INHERITED  PECULIARITIES.          49 

scious.  Idiosyncracies  are  always  un- 
pleasant, but  they  are  not  always  crim- 
inal. Many  stories  are  told  of  inherited 
peculiarities  against  which  the  whole 
force  of  early  education  has  battered 
without  the  slightest  result.  Ribot  men-  • 
tions  a  girl  whose  loquacity  nearly  dis- 
tracted her  associates,  but  who  only 
reproduced  her  father  in  this  respect. 
And  I  heard  recently  of  a  woman  who  is 
and  has  always  been  totally  unable  to 
recognize  by  their  countenances  even  her 
nearest  relatives,  when  she  meets  them 
away  from  home.  Yet  she  underwent 
much  discipline  in  childhood  for  what 
seemed  persistent  rudeness.  There  are 
children  whose  eyes  are  bright  yet  who 
cannot  see  distinctly,  whose  ears  do  not 
catch  certain  sounds  easily,  while  readily 
hearing  others  ;  in  whom  certain  muscles 
are  weak,  certain  nerves  diseased  from 
birth,  but  these  facts  are  usually  only 
discovered  after  the  victims  have  suffered 
repeated  corrections  and  perhaps  endured 
years  of  miscomprehension. 

Some  one  remarks,  "  Penetrate  the  bot- 
tom  of    their    hearts    before    correcting 
4 


5o  NURSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

them."  And  it  ought  to  be  added  :  Pen- 
etrate their  natures ;  inquire  into  the 
reason  of  what  seems  odd  and  unman- 
ageable. Heredity  is  often  to  blame  in- 
stead of  the  child.  We  must  first  of  all 
things  give  ourselves  time  to  study  and 
investigate  him,  for  if  we  do  not  discover 
the  key  to  unlock  the  door  of  his  confi- 
dence he  will  ever  remain  an  inscrutable 
mystery.  It  ought  to  be  realized  that 
children  seldom  consciously  reveal  them- 
selves. Seemingly  spontaneous  and 
transparent,  there  are  yet  reserves  that 
ordinary  intercourse  does  not  overcome. 
This  is  in  large  measure  due  to  the  fact 
that  their  vocabulary  is  almost  wholly  ob- 
jective. Their  inner  life  is  like  a  pictorial 
representation,  often  dazzling  to  their  own 
minds.  And  their  feeble  attempts  at 
self-explanation  are  so  often  laughed  at 
that  they  soon  learn  that  this  realm  of 
fancy  and  feeling  is  uninteresting  to  their 
grown-up  acquaintances.  Whoever  has 
power  to  discern  something  of  what  is 
going  on  behind  all  their  physical  activity 
can  establish  delightful  sympathetic  rela- 
tions with  the  little  creatures  who  love  to 


SYMPATHETIC  INSIGHT.  51 

be  friendly  if  they  are  encouraged  by  feel- 
ing that  they  give  pleasure  to  their  elders 
by  their  companionship.  To  win  a 
child's  affection  and  confidence  is  not 
easy,  because  it  requires  not  only  real 
virtue  but  sympathetic  insight.  A  cer- 
tain animal  magnetism  attracts  them  too. 
Everything  that  is  picturesque  or  pos- 
sessed of  great  vitality  is  fascinating  at  the 
sensuous  period  of  life,  and  virtue  ought 
to  make  itself  beautiful  and  charming  to 
win  their  adherence.  But  their  taste  is 
not  classical,  and  they  care  neither  for 
perfection  of  form  or  coloring,  if  the  one 
essential  quality  is  present — sympathy. 
Our  whole  power  of  gaining  their  affec- 
tion lies  in  that.  They  will  fondly  cher- 
ish what  is  homely  if  it  is  good,  that  is — 
good  to  them.  Feeling  with  them  is  not 
so  much  primary  as  responsive.  We 
must  put  forth  something  of  the  kind  we 
wish  to  evoke  in  order  to  exert  an  in- 
fluence. An  infant  responds  in  a  remark- 
ably short  time  to  the  tenderness  lavished 
upon  it,  and  his  budding  affection  should 
be  carefully  cherished,  for  from  this  is 
to  be  developed  trustfulness  and  docility. 


5  2  PURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

It  is  a  mission  for  which  the  parents 
would  do  well  to  prepare  themselves  by 
the  practice  of  a  rigid  self-control,  and 
the  cultivation  of  a  patience  and  tact 
far  beyond  what  they  have  ever  needed 
in  any  other  relation  in  life. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

DEMAND  OBEDIENCE  TO  CIRCUMSTANCES, 
NOT  TO  PERSONAL  FORCE. 

"  The  child  has  a  keen  feeling,  a  very  clear  apprehen- 
sion, and  rarely  fails  to  distinguish  whether  what  the 
father  or  teacher  says  is  arbitrary  or  personal,  or 
whether  it  is  expressed  by  him  as  a  general  law  and 
a  necessity."  —  FRCEBEL'S  Education  of  Man. 


T^HE  first  idea  which  we  should  seek  to 
establish  in  the  child's  mind,  then,  is 
the  belief  that  his  parents  are  his  sympa- 
thetic, considerate  friends  not,  as  has  been 
remarked  by  one  writer  :  —  "  friend-ene- 
mies." Rousseau  says,  "  The  child  ought 
to  love  his  mother  before  he  knows  that 
it  is  his  duty  to  do  so."  If  what  ought 
to  be  spontaneous  and  natural  waits  to 
become  a  matter  of  conscience,  it  is  to  be 
feared  that  the  filial  affection  will  be  of  a 
most  perfunctory  sort.  And  there  is  much 
of  it  in  the  world.  Children  are  naturally 


5  4  NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 

loyal,  and  tenacious  of  family  ties.  Even 
when  most  affronted  they  rarely  complain 
to  outsiders  of  treatment  received  at  home, 
and  this  not  always  so  much  from  fear  as 
from  a  sense  of  dignity  ;  they  comprehend 
without  reasoning  about  it  that  anything 
that  reflects  upon  their  family  hurts 
themselves.  But  if  we  could  be  made 
aware  how  much  of  this  faithfulness  comes 
from  mere  consanguinity  and  how  alloyed 
it  often  is  with  doubt  and  mistrust,  we 
should  be  less  complacent  in  our  accept- 
ance of  the  view  that  our  children  love  us. 
The  warm  and  genuine  affection  of  a  child 
is  a  dear  flattery.  What  word  of  com- 
pliment or  regard  can  ever  awaken  in  our 
hearts  the  exquisite  satisfaction  evoked 
by  the  honest,  voluntary  exclamation  of  a 
tiny  being  who  throws  himself  into  our 
arms  saying,  "  Good  mother,  dear  mother ! " 
And  who  can  help  being  humbled  at  a 
tribute  only  half  deserved,  or  avoid  recol- 
lecting that  it  comes  far  less  often  than  it 
would  if  she  were  truer  to  her  ideals  and 
a  more  perfect  mother  to  her  child  ! 

Good  government  depends  upon  getting 
a  child  to  so  love  and  trust  his  parents 


A  CONSIDER  A  TE  FRIEND.  55 

that  the  pleasing  them  shall  of  itself  give 
him  pleasure.  There  is,  from  the  neces- 
sity of  the  case,  he  being  impulsive  and 
heedless,  and  they  being  prudent  and  judi- 
cious, a  certain  amount  of  force  essential. 
But  it  should  be  latent,  not  wantonly 
exhibited  ;  felt,  rather  than  seen.  Unkind 
feelings  must  arise  if  there  is  anything 
that  looks  like  caprice  or  harshness  upon 
the  part  of  the  guardians.  Their  author- 
ity should  appear  to  be,  in  a  way,  involun- 
tary, as  if  they  were  the  medium  for  trans- 
mission of  force,  rather  than  the  originat- 
ors of  it.  It  is  natural  and  inevitable  that 
hostility  should  be  excited  towards  what 
opposes  the  carrying  out  of  our  desires, 
so  there  should,  in  all  necessary  opposi- 
tion, be  as  little  exhibition  of  personality 
as  possible.  A  sympathetic  parent  really 
feels  the  grief  and  irritation  of  his  child, 
and  he  should  not,  from  a  false  idea  that 
it  is  dignified  to  remain  unmoved,  be  too 
reticent  and  laconic.  If  he  has  succeeded 
in  creating  the  impression  that  he  really 
is  a  considerate  friend,  capable  of  entering 
into  the  feelings  of  his  child,  the  young 
creature  falls  into  the  habit  of  deference 


sg  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

towards  his  elder,  just  as  a  mature  mind 
comes  to  submit  to  the  mysterious  decrees 
of  a  Providence  believed  to  be  benevolent. 
But — no  more  readily  than  that.  What 
human  being  but  first  rebels  and  strives 
to  have  his  own  way  when  fate  seems 
against  him  ?  Submission  only  follows 
when  one  feels  that  his  will  is  beating 
against  a  rock,  that  there  is  a  great,  im- 
movable Power  behind  the  human  agencies 
fighting  him  ;  so  that  what  he  would  have 
refused  to  a  fellow-being  he  yields  to  Law. 
There  are  a  few  exceptional  natures — and 
by  no  means  the  most  excellent  ones — so 
docile  and  meek  as  to  submit  without 
pain  to  personal  coercion.  They  are  ca- 
pable of  that  spaniel-like  affection  which 
bows  itself  under  abuse  and  clings  help- 
lessly after  self-respect  has  been  destroyed. 
But  these  make  a  type  by  themselves, 
and  general  remarks  must  be  directed  to 
the  great  average  class.  A  self-respecting 
creature  finds  it  impossible  to  completely 
give  up  to  mere  brute  force ;  any  such 
submission  is  transient  and  accompanied 
by  an  intention  to  get  even  at  a  future 
time.  But  a  victory  achieved  by  moral 


A   WASTE  OF  AUTHORITY.  57 

force  is  permanent ;  the  most  independent 
natures,  which  are  also  the  noblest,  feel  a 
real  pleasure  in  giving  up  to  something 
manifestly  superior  to  themselves.  It  is 
as  if  an  advance  had  been  made,  enlighten- 
ment gained  ;  there  is,  not  a  blind  obe- 
dience to  autocratical  authority,  but  an 
adoption  of  some  principle  of  action  com- 
mon both  to  the  mentor  and  themselves. 
This  is  the  secret  of  making  power  endur- 
able :  to  have  it  appear  that  even  authori- 
ties themselves  are  not  exempt  from  law. 
Parents  are  ordinarily  fond  of  that  very 
semblance  of  power  which  they  ought,  of 
all  things,  to  avoid.  We  do  not  want 
to  excite  our  children's  animosity  for  the 
purpose  of  conquering  them.  The  ideal 
would  be  to  preserve  always  that  calm, 
amicable  relation  which  would  make  it 
seem  that  affairs  flow  on  guided  by  some 
invisible  agency.  There  ought  never  to 
be  a  waste  of  authority  ;  to  display  it  is 
to  abuse  it ;  and  the  great  object  is  to 
train  a  child  into  necessary  submission 
without  exciting  bad  feeling.  The  honest 
truth  is  that  it  is  circumstances  which  ex- 
act obedience,  not  only  from  children,  but 


5g  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

from  all.  Why  should  parents  pose  as 
independent  personages  from  whom  law 
emanates,  when  such  assumption  only 
draws  odium  down  upon  them  ?  The 
reason  of  a  deal  of  wretchedness  in  fam- 
ilies is  not  so  much  that  children  are  diso- 
bedient to  law,  as  that  there  is  no  real  law, 
but  only  impulse.  Richter  tells  a  story 
of  a  soldier  bearing  a  bundle  of  papers 
under  each  arm,  who  was  asked,  "  What 
have  you  there — under  your  right  arm  ?  " 
— "  Orders." — "And  what  under  the  other 
arm  ?  " — "  Counter-orders."  And  in  the 
application  of  this  anecdote  to  education 
he  observes :  "  A  mother  may  be  com- 
pared to  a  giant  Briarius,  with  a  hundred 
arms,  and  a  bundle  of  papers  under  each." 
A  child  cannot  feel  safe  with  such  a  petu- 
lant guardian.  In  self-defense  he  becomes 
watchful  and  suspicious,  and  comes  soon 
to  openly  question  the  judgment  so  often 
at  fault.  Yet  it  is  not  so  much  the  falli- 
bility which  engenders  contempt,  as  the  de- 
ceit. A  mother  constantly  repeats  that 
she  loves  her  child,  and  yet  she  hectors 
him  ;  envelops  him  in  an  atmosphere  of 
fault-finding  and  wearies  him  by  a  thou- 


FUSSINESS.  59 

sand  useless  little  restraints.  He  is  often 
reproved  when  walking  with  her,  for  skip- 
ping instead  of  moving  along  demurely, 
for  asking  questions,  for  being  too  much 
a  live  thing  with  independent  motive 
power,  and  too  little  of  a  machine.  This 
is  a  certain  way  to  weaken  affection  and 
destroy  desire  for  obedience.  Interfer- 
ence, however  forceful,  can  be  borne, 
when  it  relates  to  important  affairs ;  but 
interference  with  little  things,  which 
every  one  recognizes  as  trivial,  is  intoler- 
able, both  because  it  destroys  all  liberty 
of  action  and  because  it  plainly  shows  a 
fault-finding,  domineering  spirit  in  the 
person  exercising  the  restraint. 

Sometimes  not  selfishness,  but  that 
over-solicitude  called  "  fussiness  "  leads  a 
parent  astray.  Of  course  a  small  child 
must  be  protected  daily  and  hourly  from 
harm,  but  such  interposition  should  not 
be  thrust  upon  his  notice  until  he  can  see 
the  sense  of  it.  It  must  not  only  be  con- 
ceded, as  it  sometimes  is  with  a  sigh  of 
despair,  as  if  one  wished  for  a  remedy  for 
the  dreadful  fact ;  but  it  must  be  borne 
in  mind  at  all  times,  as  a  permanent  rule, 


60  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

that  the  child's  life  being  at  first  nearly 
altogether  objective,  incessant  bodily 
activity  is  natural  to  him.  His  dwelling 
is  a  laboratory,  in  which  he  carries  on  all 
sorts  of  experiments.  The  grown  person 
sits  still  and  cognizes  the  properties  of  all 
things  through  the  sense  of  sight,  past 
experience  supplying  him  with  data  from 
which  to  form  a  judgment.  But  the  child 
depends  mainly  for  information  upon  the 
sense  of  touch ;  all  other  senses  being 
comparatively  untrustworthy.  Some  nat- 
uralists assert  that  all  other  senses  have 
developed  from  the  sense  of  touch.  This 
would  furnish  a  sufficient  explanation  of 
the  primary  dependence  placed  upon  it 
by  the  inexperienced  investigator.  The 
natural  order  of  education  is  to  begin  with 
the  concrete  and  proceed  to  the  abstract, 
and  touch  being  the  least  abstract  sense, 
it  is  the  first  natural  avenue  to  knowledge. 
Not  only  is  the  child  to  gain  information 
through  this  means,  but  he  is  so  to  achieve 
his  moral  education.  A  judicious  parent, 
instead  of  impulsively  interfering  with  all 
those  bodily  activities  which  seem  to  his 
sober  mind  dangerous  and  useless,  will  re- 


EXPERIENCE  IS  ENOUGH.  6 1 

late  to  these  experiments  his  own  advice 
and  friendly  caution,  standing  aside  and 
letting  nature  have  her  way  with  the  child, 
while  he  makes  it  apparent  that  he  is 
ready  to  be  called  upon  in  case  of  need 
and  glad  to  give  required  help. 

In  all  cases  where  a  slight  hurt  will 
educate  interference  should  be  withheld. 
Herbert  Spencer  demonstrates  in  the 
clearest  manner  that  a  warning  of  danger 
followed  by  sympathy,  when  the  warning 
has  been  verified,  is  the  most  effective 
way  of  inspiring  a  child  with  confidence 
in  his  parents  and  fixing  in  his  mind  an 
impression  of  actions  to  be  avoided.  And 
it  ought  to  be  borne  in  mind  that  the 
experience  is  enough,  without  tiresome 
iterations  on  the  part  of  the  parent  that 
it  has  suffered  for  disobedience.  That 
fact  is  known  already,  and  the  effort  to 
impress  it  more  deeply  is  revolting,  and 
arouses  an  animosity  which  is,  most  of  all 
things,  to  be  avoided. 

"  Do  not,"  advises  Richter,  "  indulge  in 
that  after  punishment  women  are  so 
prone  to,  of  coldness  or  anger."  These 
are  circumstances  in  which  unreflecting 


62  NURSE J?  Y  E  TlflCS. 

relatives  and  more  especially,  ignorant 
servants,  frequently  work  great  mischief. 
On  the  street,  when  a  little  child  falls  down 
in  running,  one  hears  such  an  exclamation 
from  the  nurse  as :  "  There,  miss !  I  told 
you  so !  What  a  naughty  child !  I  am 
going  to  tell  your  mother  !  "  Instead  of 
the  lesson  of  carefulness  that  would  other- 
wise have  been  learned,  there  springs  up 
defiance  that  becomes  indifference  to  re- 
proof felt  to  be  unmerited.  Suppose  a 
child  does  soil  its  clothes  by  careless  trip- 
ping, where  does  the  fault  lie  ?  Not  in 
the  tripping,  perfectly  harmless  in  itself : 
he  might  trip  along  for  blocks  and  never 
be  checked  did  not  some  accident  occur. 
The  fault,  then,  lies  in  his  want  of  balance  : 
an  excusable  defect,  it  might  seem,  in  a 
creature  just  learning  the  use  of  its  legs! 
There  is  far  too  much  thoughtless  expost- 
ulation, too  much  placing  the  blame 
where  it  does  not  belong.  A  large  pro- 
portion of  the  offenses  of  children  occur 
accidentally  ;  their  motives  may  be  excel- 
lent, yet  their  actions  bear  the  appearance 
of  naughtiness.  One  cannot  be  too  cau- 
tious in  charging  home  an  offense.  It  is 


LA  TENT  HOSTILITY.  63 

far  better  to  err  on  the  side  of  neglecting 
correction  than  on  the  side  of  unjust  pun- 
ishment. This  last  is  something  that  a 
child  never  recovers  from.  The  memory 
of  it  may  even  embitter  his  feelings  to- 
ward his  parents  after  he  has  reached 
maturity.  Love,  confidence,  and  obedi- 
ence should  grow  up  side  by  side  in  a 
childish  heart ;  it  must  be  won,  not  co- 
erced. Where  obedience  exists  alone 
there  is  either  a  lamentable  want  of  char- 
acter in  the  child,  as  well  as  unnatural 
coldness  on  the  part  of  the  parents  ;  or 
else,  there  is  a  latent  feeling  of  hostility  in 
the  bottom  of  the  child's  heart  which 
surely  will  some  day  come  to  the  surface 
and  nullify  all  the  good  of  restraints  ex- 
ercised over  him. 

The  combative  instinct  is  a  natural  one, 
and  is  necessary  to  our  preservation.  All 
possess  it  to  a  greater  or  less  extent,  and 
as  it  is  a  blind,  indiscriminate  instinct,  it 
has  to  be  trained,  so  that  it  shall  come  to 
exercise  itself  only  in  the  proper  direction. 
A  child  does  not  at  first  distinguish  the 
opposition  of  his  parents  from  that  of  any 
other  hostile  force  ;  it  is  perfectly  repug- 


64  NURSE R  y  £  THICS. 

nant  to  him.  How  is  he  to  be  recon- 
ciled to  it — how  is  a  parent  to  reveal 
himself  so  as  to  make  the  child  feel, 
long  before  he  can  reason  about  it,  that 
he  is  the  guardian  and  protector  of  his 
interests  ?  Only  by  associating  the  nec- 
essary authority  with  his  welfare,  in  ways 
so  plain  that  the  young  mind  can  see  the 
connection.  For  instance,  suppose  a 
child  creeps  toward  a  hot  stove,  intent  on 
putting  his  hand  upon  it.  If  a  mother 
can  exercise  such  restraint  over  herself  as 
to  permit  him  to  barely  touch  it  before 
she  draws  him  away,  she  will  have  taught 
him  a  lesson,  for  the  baby,  whose  sensa- 
tions are  acute,  will  realize  that  the  stove 
is  his  foe  and  the  mother  his  friend,  and 
he  never  could  have  comprehended  that 
if  he  had  been  withdrawn  before  he  had 
felt  for  himself  that  the  stove  hurt  him. 
The  mother  may  then  strive  to  make  him 
understand  the  two  words  "  don't,  "  and 
"  hot,"  and  then  the  next  time  he  is  in 
danger  from  such  a  source  the  repetition 
of  those  two  words  will  bring  the  affair 
to  his  memory,  and  he  will  associate 
"  don't"  with  safety.  But  mere  words  mean 


IGNORE  THE  TRIVIAL.  65 

nothing  to  a  child,  and  all  the  tender  lan- 
guage that  could  be  uttered  would  not 
impress  him  without  the  smile  and  caress 
accompanying  them  ;  nor  all  the  warn- 
ings without  his  associating  them  with 
some  past  experience.  As  the  child's 
whole  education,  moral  as  well  as  intel- 
lectual — indeed,  the  two  cannot  be  di- 
vorced — is  to  proceed  upon  the  idea 
of  association,  it  is  especially  requisite 
never  to  create  a  confusion  in  his  mind 
by  crowding  lessons  upon  him.  Select 
what  is  most  important  and  dwell  upon 
that,  in  order  to  produce  a  clear  impres- 
sion, ignoring  for  the  time  many  other 
matters  of  conduct  that  may  have  to  be 
noticed  in  the  future.  It  is  a  great  mis- 
take to  reprove  a  child  for  everything  he 
does  that  is  wrong :  life  will  then  become 
to  him  a  monotonous  burden  of  one  song. 
Some  old  philosopher  remarked  that  in 
dealing  with  children  he  found  it  well  to 
"be  a  little  deaf,  a  little  dumb,  and  a 
little  blind." 

To  have  in  mind  a  distinct  plan  and 
compel  ourselves  to  defer  to  it  is  the  only 
way  to  succeed  in  dealing  justly  with  our 
5 


66  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

children.  "  We  need  an  ideal  to  work 
toward."  And  although  this  ideal  can 
never  be  wholly  realized,  because  we  can 
never  carry  into  the  heat  and  hurry  of 
active  life  accurate  recollections  of  our 
calmly  reasoned-out views"  yet  we  should 
aim  to  advance  /0w#n/perfection  not  away 
from  it."  Disinterestedness  and  self- 
control  on  the  part  of  the  parent ;  love, 
confidence,  and  obedience  on  the  part  of 
the  child — how  is  the  relation  to  be  sus- 
tained when  once  happily  begun  ? 


CHAPTER  V. 

WE    SHOULD     ASSOCIATE  NATURAL  CON- 
SEQUENCES WITH  ACTS. 

"  Nothing  tends  so  much  to  prevent  the  healthful 
development  of  the  moral  sense  as  the  infliction  of 
punishment  which  the  child  feels  to  be  unjust;  and 
nothing  retards  the  acquirement  of  the  power  of  direct- 
ing the  intellectual  processes  so  much  as  the  emotional 
disturbance  which  the  feeling  of  injustice  provokes." 

— DR.  CARPENTER. 

IN  dealing  with  the  young  we  are  apt  to 
greatly  over-estimate  the  amount  of 
force  necessary  to  produce  the  desired 
effect  upon  them.  The  organization  of 
a  child  is  naturally  as  sensitive  as  the 
strings  of  an  ^olian  harp,  and  he  feels 
acutely  every  change  in  looks,  manners, 
and  voice  of  those  about  him.  The 
slightest  manifestation  of  moodiness  in 
his  parent  is  as  depressing  as  clouds  pass- 
ing over  the  sun.  Without  comprehend- 
ing the  source  of  the  mental  disturbance, 


68  NURSERY  ETHICS,     s 

children  are  moved  to  reflect  the  emotions 
of  their  parents,  particularly  when  the 
relations  existing  between  them  are  inti- 
mate and  tender.  They  are  excited  to 
anger  against  persons  they  hear  cen- 
sured, and  treat  with  deference  those  ap- 
parently preferred.  The  participation  in 
the  parental  feelings  of  preference  and 
aversion  is  so  general  that  people  can 
usually  gauge  with  accuracy  the  degree 
of  estimation  in  which  they  are  held  by 
their  friends  from  the  manner  of  their 
children  toward  them.  Unversed  in  hy- 
pocrisy they  frankly  betray  their  real  sen- 
timents, and  to  hear  their  impulsive  talk 
is  often  like  listening  to  a  phonograph 
which  has  registered  the  private  opinions 
of  its  confidant.  This  close  resemblance 
does  not  arise  so  much  from  mental  sim- 
ilarity as  from  the  faculty  of  imitation, 
which  leads  children  to  adopt  the  very 
trifling  habits  of  their  elders,  even  to 
seasoning  their  food  in  the  same  fashion. 
When  the  age  of  reason  comes  such 
habits  are  often  so  confirmed  as  to  be 
unchangeable.  We  wield  a  vast  influ- 
ence, therefore,  over  young  minds  invol- 


ADVICE  VS.  PRACTICE.  69 

untarily,  and  our  daily  conduct  shapes 
their  character  and  moulds  their  opinions. 
We  instruct  and  guide  them  in  this  way 
unceasingly  and  with  far  more  effect 
than  when  our  efforts  to  do  so  are  di- 
rectly put  forth,  for  when  moved  to 
admonish  their  children  parents  are 
often  affected  and  pedantical,  assuming  a 
degree  of  virtue  which  is  unnatural  and 
contrary  to  their  ordinary  practice,  and 
consequently  lacking  in  that  ring  of  hon- 
esty and  earnestness  which  makes  advice 
impressive.  It  is  proper  that  parents 
should,  as  they  usually  do,  wish  their 
children  to  be  an  improvement  upon 
themselves,  that  they  should  be  better 
educated  and  in  every  way  more  virtuous 
and  worthy.  But  this  is  not  to  be 
brought  about  through  the  means  com- 
monly undertaken.  The  comparatively 
few  times  in  which  we  climb  to  a  moral 
height  and  surpass  ourselves  in  the  giving 
wise  advice  cannot  offset  the  numberless 
lapses  we  make  every  day  from  the 
standard  we  advocate  for  them,  and  there 
is  no  way  to  compel  them  to  see  only 
what  we  want  them  to  see,  to  make  them 


7  o  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

alive  to  good  impressions,  and  impervious 
to  bad  ones.  They  take  us  all  in  all,  as 
we  are,  and  follow  pretty  closely  the  ex- 
ample we  set  where  we  are  least  desirous 
and  most  unconscious  of  setting  any  at 
all. 

Much  of  the  severity  parents  sometimes 
find  necessary  is  doubtless  an  indispensa- 
ble leverage  away  from  their  own  very 
fallible  example,  toward  their  theoretical 
standard  of  goodness.  They  think  by  a 
forcible  and  sudden  jerk  to  twitch  chil- 
dren in  the  right  direction,  and  against 
their  own  laxity  and  carelessness  they  pit 
stern  control,  partly  as  an  instinctive 
effort  to  save  their  offspring  from  repeat- 
ing their  own  mistake,  and  partly,  it  must 
be  confessed,  because  the  more  imperfect 
people  are  themselves  the  less  able  are 
they  to  endure  imperfections  in  others. 
Nothing  is  more  exasperating  than  to  see 
one's  own  fault  repeated,  and  this  is  why 
a  high-tempered  person  loathes  an  exhib- 
ition of  temper,  why  pride  is  mortally 
offended  at  meeting  pride,  and  a  man 
prone  to  deceit  is  desperately  incensed 
when  some  one  lies  to  him.  My  own 


DESPOTIC  PARENTS.  71 

observation  inclines  me  to  think  that 
there  is  "  a  reason  for  being "  occasion- 
ally in  the  despotically  repressive  meas- 
ures imperious  and  high-tempered  parents 
use  to  prevent  similar  explosions  on  the 
part  of  their  children.  As  there  is  often 
"  a  soul  of  good  in  things  evil "  even 
tyranny  has  its  indirect  use.  Where 
judicious  management  is  totally  lacking, 
children  would  inevitably  grow  up  to  be 
public  terrors  were  it  not  for  the  restraint 
offered  by  fear.  Although  the  whole 
tendency  of  this  age  is  toward  mildness 
in  the  administration  of  public  and  private 
government,  it  is  not  to  be  supposed  that 
all  the  members  of  the  community,  nor 
even  the  majority,  have  reached  such  a 
stage  of  enlightenment  as  renders  it  likely 
that  they  are  ready  to  bestow,  nor  their 
children  ready  to  be  benefited  by  a 
system  of  ideally  perfect  government. 
There  is  enough  of  the  savage  element 
present  to  make  it  apparent  in  instances 
here  and  there  that  harsh  and  cruel  par- 
ents sometimes  rear  worthy  children.  By 
the  exertion  of  a  force  amounting  to  sav- 
agery they  succeed  in  compelling  their 


7  2  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

offspring  to  suppress  their  faults,  and  by 
the  practice  of  a  rigid  obedience  acquire 
that  indifference  to  the  promptings  of 
their  individual  nature  which  bears  the 
semblance  of  self-command.  But  every 
one  who  has  made  observations  in  this 
field  must  acknowledge  that  the  educa- 
tive influence  of  fear,  while  not  wholly 
productive  of  ill-consequences  in  the  case 
of  persons  whose  mental  organization  is 
of  a  low  order,  and  who  are  not  very 
sensitive,  is  altogether  pernicious  when 
applied  to  beings  of  a  higher  type.  In- 
creased sensitiveness  to  external  impres- 
sions accompanies  complexity  of  nervous 
structure,  and  the  children  of  refined  and 
cultured  parents  naturally  require  a  com- 
paratively slight  stimulus  to  influence 
them  to  the  desired  action.  If  this  fact 
was  not  so  commonly  overlooked  there 
would  be  far  less  trouble  involved  in 
managing  them.  But  as  the  opinion  pre- 
vails that  a  child  is  a  stupid  and  willful 
being  who  has  to  be  perpetually  admon- 
ished and  reminded,  there  is  an  overflow 
of  reproof  and  caution,  frequently  coming 
not  from  the  parents  themselves,  but 


KINDNESS  WINS.  73 

from  the  coarser  minds  of  hirelings,  who 
treat  their  charges  as  they  were  treated 
themselves  in  infancy,  thus  injuring  and 
warping  their  susceptible  nature  and  in- 
ducing an  artificial  callousness  which 
never  should  exist.  Where  such  injur- 
ious influences  have  been  absent  the  most 
high-spirited  child  is  tractable  because 
sensitive.  Authority  is  able  to  exert 
itself  in  subtle  ways.  I  once  heard  a 
little  one,  accustomed  to  a  certain  pitch 
of  voice,  ask  anxiously,  "  What  is  the 
matter,  mamma?"  when  the  mother  had 
unconsciously  spoken  lower  than  usual. 
An  affectionate  child  will  watch  the 
countenance  of  his  mother  and  detect 
weariness  and  grief  almost  before  she 
realizes  it  herself.  But  this  sympathy,  so 
delicious  and  soothing,  is  the  outcome 
only  of  tender  and  intimate  relations. 
Neglect  is  a  frost-bite  from  which  there 
is  no  recovery.  Many  seemingly  remark- 
able transformations  of  character  which 
children  undergo  would  be  comprehensi- 
ble if  parents  had  that  acquaintance  with 
the  principles  of  psychology  which  is 
really  essential  to  good  government. 


74  NURSER  y  E  TH1CS. 

The  patient  tracing  back  of  effects  to 
their  primary  causes  would  often  lead  to 
such  a  surprising  fact  as  that  a  child's 
confidence,  repelled  at  some  moment  con- 
stituting a  crisis  in  his  life,  converted  him 
from  a  frank,  generous  creature  into  a 
moody  little  skeptic ;  or  that  an  act  of 
unmerited  harshness  on  the  part  of  his 
guardians,  brooded  over  in  silence,  pro- 
duced an  entire  alteration  in  his  senti- 
ments and  feelings.  We  should  also,  by 
knowing  something  of  motive  and  will 
and  the  emotions,  be  able  to  induce  right 
states  of  feeling  in  our  pupils  simply  by 
judicious  direction  of  their  thoughts  in 
certain  lines,  leading  them  to  do  the  work 
of  thinking  for  themselves  and  so  benefit- 
ing them  a  thousand-fold  more  than  if 
we  simply  made  the  statement  that  such 
a  thing  is  right  or  wrong.  A  baby  of 
two  or  three  can  have  its  conduct  so  pict- 
ured to  its  eyes  as  to  be  able  to  realize 
something  of  its  intrinsic  nature  through 
the  effect  it  produces  upon  other  people. 
The  whole  dependence  must  be  placed 
at  first  upon  bringing  about  in  a  child's 
mind  the  right  association.  Upon  the 


WHEN  CHANCE  RULES.  75 

delicate,  plastic  fiber  of  the  little  brain  we 
must  work  gently  and  patiently  until  the 
associations  we  aim  to  bring  about  are 
wrought  naturally  by  repeated  slight  ex- 
periences. The  consequences  of  different 
sorts  of  conduct  must  be  always  clear 
and  manifest ;  pleasure  and  pain,  which 
are  the  great  educative  moral  influences 
should  be  inseparably  connected  with 
their  proper  antecedents.  What  must  a 
child  think  who  suffers  one  time  from 
naughtiness  and  the  next  time  escapes 
"  scot-free? "  He  thereafter  believes  that 
chance  is  the  ruling  factor  in  this  matter, 
and  if  the  temptation  is  sufficient  he  will 
take  the  risk  of  following  his  own  im- 
pulse, rather  than  surfer  a  disagreeable 
restraint. 

Professor  Bain  observes  that  ideas  of 
right  and  wrong  have  grown  up  through  the 
association  of  the  one  sort  of  conduct 
with  pleasure,  and  of  the  other  sort  with 
pain.  "  Actions  that  have  long  been  con- 
nected in  the  mind  with  pains  and  penal- 
ties, come  to  be  contemplated  with  disin- 
terested repugnance ;  they  seem  to  give 
pain  on  their  own  account."  Children 


7  6  NUJtSER  Y  E  THICS. 

know  that  certain  experiences  are  disa- 
greeable long  before  they  are  capable  of 
comprehending  such  abstract  ideas  as 
right  and  wrong.  When  the  conditions 
are  natural,  and  they  have  been  gently 
treated,  the  slightest  correction  makes  a 
profound  impression.  A  baby  will  pucker 
up  its  face  and  betray  considerable  dis- 
comfort upon  being  quietly  taken  out  of 
his  mother's  lap  and  placed  in  a  crib  or 
chair  by  himself,  after  he  has  been  unrea- 
sonably cross.  I  use  the  adjective  advis- 
edly, for  very  much  of  the  crossness  of 
infants  has  adequate  cause.  Few  people 
realize  how  absolutely  indispensable  to 
the  comfort  of  these  young  creatures  is 
an  equable  temperature,  in  every  sense. 
As  the  room  should  not  be  one  day  warm 
and  the  next  day  cool,  nor  clothing  and 
diet  subject  to  caprice ;  so  there  should 
be  avoided  all  unnecessary  excitements, 
confusing  to  tender  minds,  and  all  fluct- 
uations of  management.  There  are  per- 
sons so  lacking  in  scientific  perception  as 
to  contest  that  children  should  not  be  per- 
mitted to  form  invariable  habits,  lest  it 
should  be  a  source  of  inconvenience 


FORMA  TION  OF  HABITS.  77 

when  traveling,  or  some  other  disturbance, 
interferes  with  regular  routine.  They 
might  just  as  well  object  to  their  own 
breakfast  or  bath  on  the  same  principle. 
But  it  does  not  make  the  slightest  differ- 
ence whether  the  formation  of  habits  is 
convenient  or  inconvenient.  Nature's 
mode  of  development  lies  along  this  line. 
Intellect  and  the  moral  sense  have  grown 
up  through  the  law  of  association.  Un- 
less there  exists  the  desire  to  make  life 
difficult  for  children  and  subject  them 
over  and  over  again  to  unnecessary  hard- 
ships of  discipline  the  attempt  ought  to 
be  made  from  the  first  to  establish  that 
harmonious  adjustment  between  them- 
selves and  their  environment  which  grows 
up  solely  through  habit. 

This  is  the  advice  most  earnestly  given 
by  all  moral  educators ;  that  repeated 
slight  experiences  in  the  right  direction 
is  the  only  natural  and  rational  way  of 
developing  in  children  a  knowledge  of 
morality ;  that  is,  of  arousing  in  them  a 
conscience.  What  caution  must  be  exer- 
cised then,  to  make  disagreeable  experi- 
ences coincide  only  with  acts  that  must 


7  g  NURSE  R  Y  E  TH1CS. 

always  be   avoided,   that  such  acts  may 
come  to  be  distasteful  in  themselves. 

The  first  rule  that  a  parent  should  bind 
himself  to  follow  is  that  of  certainty  ;  of 
the  unvarying  fulfillment  of  whatever  mode 
of  correction  he  has  settled  upon  for  the 
offense.  Jacob  Abbott  says :  "  It  is  sur- 
prising how  slight  a  punishment  will  prove 
efficacious  if  it  is  only  certain  to  follow  the 
transgression."  A  penalty  has  to  be  often 
repeated,  because  the  child's  mind  retains 
sensations  more  readily  than  ideas  ;  and 
there  are  great  individual  differences  in 
sensibility.  Some  children  have  a  tactile 
insensibility  which  makes  them  unaware 
of  changes  of  temperature  and  prevents 
their  suffering  much  from  such  ordinary 
hurts  as  bruises  and  burns.  This  does 
not  necessarily  indicate  lack  of  feeling  of 
the  higher  sort.  I  know  one  child  who, 
from  earliest  infancy,  exhibited  an  aston- 
ishing power  of  bearing  pain,  so  that  fre- 
quently quite  serious  scars  were  discov- 
ered upon  his  body,  showing  some  hurt 
which  had  provoked  no  complaint.  Yet  he 
was  of  a  peculiarly  affectionate,  clinging 
disposition,  greatly  dreading  to  be  left 


STUDY  THE  CHILD.  79 

alone,  and  loving  to  nestle  close  to  his 
mother  and  nurse.  As  he  grew  older  he 
displayed  an  unusual  capacity  for  sym- 
pathy and  showed  keen  susceptibilities, 
yet  there  has  remained  withal  a  certain 
bodily  unimpressionability,  so  that  in- 
fliction of  corporal  punishment,  which 
was  sometimes  injudiciously  employed, 
had  the  effect  of  moving  him  to  laugh- 
ter, partly  hysterical,  no  doubt.  It  is 
notable  that  when  this  was  wholly  discon- 
tinued, and  the  effort  made  to  deal  with 
him  through  appeal  to  his  affections,  that 
he  became  not  only  more  docile,  al- 
though naturally  of  an  obstinate  and  will- 
ful disposition,  but  all  his  mental  proc- 
esses began  to  grow  more  normal.  From 
being  subject  to  gusts  of  passion  and  ca- 
price which  frequently  excited  grave  fears 
as  to  his  sanity,  he  settled  down  to  a  ra- 
tional demeanor,  though  remaining  emo- 
tional and  impulsive.  Only  careful  study 
of  the  peculiar  nature  of  this  child,  and 
inquiry  into  the  reason  for  the  existence 
of  certain  traits  that  proved  to  be  congen- 
ital, would  have  enabled  his  guardians  to 
deal  with  him  intelligently.  It  is  evident 


8  o  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

that  children  must  be  considered  sepa- 
rately and  their  native  oddities  taken  in- 
to account.  Hasty  generalizing  is  often 
cruelly  unjust,  and  so  is  the  habit  of  believ- 
ing that  many  acts  which  are  offensive 
show  moral  depravity. 

A  writer  remarks :  "  It  is  frequently 
found  that  a  defect  which  appears  to  be 
simply  intellectual  or  moral  is  connected 
with  a  morbid  or  imperfect  state  of  the 
body.  Indolence  is  so  unnatural  that  it 
usually  depends  upon  some  physical  de- 
fect. Mind-wandering  is  frequently  con- 
nected with  nervous  debility.  These  are 
only  to  be  remedied  by  attention  to  health, 
and  to  the  degree  and  methods  of  occupa- 
tion. Irritation  and  impatience  often  arise 
from  the  same  cause." 

Children  who,  unfortunately,  inherit 
very  nervous  organizations,  usually  accom- 
panied by  great  irritability,  suffer  more 
than  their  just  share  of  punishment,  while 
the  child  possessed  of  a  placid,  gentle  dis- 
position gets  credit  for  the  intentional 
practice  of  virtue,  which  is  in  nowise  de- 
served. In  proportion  to  the  strength  of 
the  feelings  is  the  difficulty  of  controlling 


SELF-CONTROL.  8l 

them.  Obstinacy  does  not  indicate  a  de- 
sire to  displease  so  much  as  a  tenacious 
grasp,  a  fixity  of  purpose,  which  is  often 
called,  in  after  life,  when  it  no  longer  op- 
poses us,  perseverance  and  courage.  A 
high-spirited,  strong-willed  child  should 
by  no  means  be  exempt  from  control,  but 
the  control  should  be  in  a  way  subtle  and 
tender,  not  of  the  sort  which  humiliates 
him.  A  cheerful,  pleasing  environment, 
by  soothing  and  interesting  him,  has  a 
beneficial  influence.  All  external  aids, 
such  as  diverting  his  mind  by  a  funny 
story,  or  exhibiting  some  pleasant  little 
surprise,  should  be  employed,  rather  than 
throwing  the  burden  of  self-command  en- 
tirely upon  the  child  himself.  This  is  too 
hard,  because  the  motive  power  is  insuffi- 
cient. Sully  observes :  "  The  acquisition 
of  the  power  of  controlling  feeling  is  a 
difficult  and  slow  process.  Children's 
feelings  are  characterized  by  great  inten- 
sity, and  their  complete  possession  and 
mastery  of  the  mind.  Hence,  the  effort  to 
check  the  outgoings  of  passion  is  a  severe 
one." 

Wherever    tact    can    be    employed   it 
6 


82  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

should  be  substituted  for  force.  We 
want  to  help  our  children  to  acquire  mas- 
tery over  themselves,  instead  of  dominat- 
ing them.  But  parents  who  aim  to  develop 
the  individuality  of  their  children,  and  to 
educate  them  in  harmony  with  the  higher 
and  more  enlightened  modern  methods, 
must  be  prepared  to  see  them,  in  their 
tender  years,  contrast  unfavorably,  in 
point  of  docility,  with  children  reared 
after  the  old-fashioned,  repressive  system. 
It  is  necessary  to  bear  in  mind  the  aim  of 
our  efforts,  otherwise  we  may  be  tempted 
to  renounce  in  some  moment  of  impulse 
and  discouragement,  better  but  more  diffi- 
cult methods,  for  the  government  by  force, 
which  appears,  when  viewed  from  the  point 
of  view  of  our  own  egotism,  desirable. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

CONFLICTING    AUTHORITIES    OUGHT    TO 
BE   AVOIDED. 

"  It  is  equitable  not  to  estimate  errors  and  injuries 
as  deserving  equal  punishment,  nor  errors  and  misfort- 
unes :  misfortunes  happen,  not  from  depravity,  but 
contrary  to  expectation.  Errors  do  not  happen  con- 
trary to  expectation,  and  are  not  from  depravity ;  but 
injuries  are  such  things  as  are  not  effected  contrary  to 
expectation,  but  proceed  from  depravity." 

ARISTOTLE. 

A  PARENT  must  keep  constantly  be- 
**  fore  his  eyes  the  fact  that  his  authority 
is  restricted.  It  relates  to  two  different 
sorts  of  action :  that  which  is  right  or 
wrong,  and  that  which  is  simply  a  matter 
of  propriety  or  impropriety.  These  dis- 
tinctions are  never  entirely  clear  to  us, 
even  in  affairs  relating  to  our  larger  world, 
and  how  vague  and  fluctuating  they  be- 
come when  we  are  called  upon  to  decide 


84  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

the  character  of  all  the  little  affairs  of  the 
nursery.  Yet,  in  justice  to  our  children, 
we  should  make  a  great  difference  between 
acts  that  are  always  wrong,  independently 
of  anybody's  wishes  or  convenience,  and 
those  that  are  only  wrong  because  they 
are  personally  offensive  to  us  or  untimely. 
Children  are  much  scolded  merely  for 
being  inopportune.  But  it  is  most  injudi- 
cious to  find  fault  with  a  thing  simply 
because  it  happens  to  annoy  you  at  that 
particular  minute,  when  it  would  not  annoy 
you  if  you  were  feeling  differently.  Wise 
government  necessitates  a  certain  power 
of  diagnosis  of  conduct.  Superficial  judg- 
ments can  take  no  account  of  motive,  and 
it  is  the  motive  which  gives  the  character 
to  the  act.  We  should  take  great  pains 
to  find  out  why  children  act  so  and  so. 
Often  inquiry  reveals  that  there  is  no  pur- 
pose underlying  their  behavior,  and  that 
their  headlong  rush  against  some  prefer- 
ence of  their  elders  comes  from  awkward- 
ness or  ignorance.  Parents  often  act  as 
if  the  common  transgressions  of  children 
were  deliberate  insults  to  themselves, 
which  they  are  bound  to  avenge,  instead 


OVER  GOVERNED.  85 

of  considering  that  they  are  usually  the 
result  of  bad  judgment  in  young  persons ; 
of  impulse ;  curiosity ;  and  where  they 
"  have  been  trained  to  disobedience,"  of 
willfulness. 

The  latter  unfortunate  result  is  brought 
about  sometimes  by  the  characteristic  in- 
consistency of  one  parent,  and  sometimes 
from  there  being  too  many  authorities  in 
a  household,  probably  holding  different 
views,  and  either  accidentally  or  carelessly 
betraying  this  lack  of  harmony  in  the 
presence  of  the  child.  I  always  pity  a 
child  who  lives  in  a  house  with  several 
of  his  relations,  especially  if  they  have  a 
genius  for  management.  It  recalls  the 
story  of  a  southern  regiment  where  all  the 
gentlemen  in  the  county  joined  as  officers, 
and  but  one  man  would  consent  to  be  a 
private  soldier.  And  the  officers  drilled 
him  to  death.  Mrs.  Stowe,  in  her  delight- 
ful "  Oldtown  Folks  "  relates  how  "  Aunt 
Keziah,"  "  Aunt  Lois,"  and  "  Grandma  " 
would  utter  simultaneously  their  separate 
commands,  and  "  Harry "  would  then 
stand,  "  with  a  droll  look  upon  his  face, 
waiting  until  they  had  settled  it  among 


86  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

themselves "  who  was  to  be  mistress. 
Harry  was  an  exceptional,  not  to  say  an 
ideal,  boy.  The  ordinary  boy  would  be 
likely  to  perceive  more  of  the  perplexity 
than  the  humor  of  such  a  situation.  I 
know  of  one  child,  naturally  straightfor- 
ward and  conscientious,  and,  being  rich  in 
relations,  each  possessed  of  a  singularly 
opposite  individuality,  and  while  mutually 
affectionate,  yet  holding  each  other's  opin- 
ions in  contempt,  she  used  often  to  go 
about  with  an  expression  of  settled  de- 
spair, asking  of  her  own  mind,  "  What  is 
right  ?  One  person  says  one  thing,  and 
one  person  says  another,  and  whatever  I 
do  seems  to  be  wrong."  The  consequence 
of  this  training  was  to  set  the  girl  in  a 
measure  at  variance  with  the  world. 
Forced  constantly  to  make  decisions  in- 
volving contempt  for  some  natural  author- 
ity, her  tender  heart  became  embittered, 
and  there  was  developed  an  obstinate 
pride  and  unyieldingness  which  had  its 
origin  entirely  in  the  idea  that  every  one 
desired  to  impose  upon  and  subordinate 
her. 

Dissension  between  father  and  mother 


BICKERINGS.  87 

constitutes  one  of  the  most  dangerous 
atmospheres  to  which  a  child  can  be  sub- 
jected. Where  there  are  radical  differ- 
ences of  opinion  and  sentiment,  it  is  inev- 
itable that  he  should  take  one  side  and 
plume  himself  upon  becoming  a  supporter. 
And  even  when  the  bickerings  are  trivial 
in  amount  and  character,  they  exert  a 
deleterious  influence,  particularly  if  they 
have  a  bearing  upon  the  child's  conduct. 
I  trace  the  subsequent  insubordination 
and  disrespect  of  one  child  for  whose  will- 
fulness nobody  seemed  able  to  account, 
to  a  little  scene  at  the  breakfast-table, 
when  he  was  but  sixteen  months  old, 
where  his  mother  objected  to  his  waste- 
fully  crumbling  up  several  biscuits,  and 
his  father,  happening  to  be  in  an  irritable 
frame  of  mind,  asserted  that  he  should 
"have  all  the  biscuits  he  wanted  "  and 
handed  the  baby  the  plate,  to  help  himself. 
The  mother  would  have  been  wise  to  let  the 
matter  drop,  under  the  circumstances,  but 
she  was  high-spirited,  and  feeling  insulted, 
"  showed  fight,"  and  a  lively  argument  en- 
sued which  ended  in  a  screaming  baby 
being  removed  from  the  table  with  a  con- 


88  NUKSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

firmed  impression  that  he  was  thereafter 
to  have  his  own  way  since  his  papa  was 
his  champion. 

Such  incidents  as  this  are  by  no  means 
uncommon.  Controversies  between  moth- 
ers and  grandmothers  frequently  occur, 
and  the  charge  is  often  made,  "  His  grand- 
mother spoiled  him,"  or,  "  I  cannot  do 
anything  with  him, — his  father  indulges 
him  so."  Where  is  the  fault,  oh,  parent  ? 
Not  with  any  one  person,  but  with  the 
pair,  with  the  trio,  with  the  whole  family. 
Too  many  guardians  have  been  the  ruin 
of  fine  natures.  It  is  seldom  that  the 
views  of  two  persons  in  the  same  family 
entirely  agree  as  to  the  proper  rearing  of 
a  child,  and  if  every  one  is  to  have  his  own 
way  in  turn  there  will  not  only  be  im- 
mense confusion,  but  the  carrying  out  of 
any  systematic  rule  of  conduct  by  the 
person  most  concerned  is  rendered  impos- 
sible. The  person  most  concerned  is  the 
father  and  mother.  They  must  be  uni- 
fied. If  essentially  separable,  then,  for 
the  child's  sake,  one  should  be  the  author- 
ity, and  the  other  consent  to  be  merely 
passive.  In  America  this  often  happens, 


FAMIL  Y  UNITY.  89 

not  so  much  from  incapacity  or  indiffer- 
ence, as  through  the  preoccupation  of 
the  father.  Men  often  observe  good-nat- 
uredly, "  I  leave  the  management  of  the 
youngsters  entirely  to  the  care  of  my  wife, 
I  never  interfere."  This  may  or  may  not 
be  for  the  best.  It  is  not  the  ideal. 
Rousseau  speaks  of  "  the  father  being  the 
true  teacher  as  the  mother  is  the  true 
nurse,"  but  the  cases  are  rare  where  the 
father  is  able  to  be  all  to  his  child 
that  the  relation  demands.  The  best 
government  obtains  in  those  exceptional 
families  where  the  parents  are  always  to 
one  another  "  like  a  pair  of  lovers,"  united 
in  aim  and  wish,  and  upholding  each 
other  faithfully  in  private  as  before  the 
world.  Where  this  atmosphere  of  repose 
exists  children  seldom  manifest  restless- 
ness or  rebellion.  Disaffection  among  the 
ruling  powers  is  what  most  frequently 
gives  rise  to  their  ebullitions  of  temper, 
and  quite  naturally,  for  cheerful  compli- 
ance with  the  wishes  of  others  can  only 
occur  when  there  is  unshaken  confidence 
in  their  wisdom  and  consistency ;  and  the 
least  show  of  bickering  destroys  this. 


90  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

There  are  parents  who  have  so  little  re- 
gard for  the  individuality  of  their  children 
that  they  require  them  to  be  submissive 
on  general  principles  ;  "  to  mind  anybody." 
This  cannot  but  produce  a  subserviency 
destructive  to  the  best  interests  of  the 
child.  While  approving  a  respectful  de- 
meanor towards  elders  simply  on  the  score 
of  superiority  in  age  and  experience, 
thoughtful  observers  must  be  led  to  re- 
mark that  justice  demands  that  only  his 
natural  guardians  should  be  privileged  to 
exercise  authority  over  the  child,  and  that 
this  should  be  restricted,  as  far  as  possible, 
to  one  person.  Either  the  two  parents 
acting  in  harmony,  or  one  acting  alone. 
This  is  the  only  authority  which  extends 
itself  over  a  long  period  of  time,  or  can  be 
regarded  as  having  permanent  weight  and 
influence.  Any  other  is  transitoiy  and 
relates  to  the  needs  of  the  hour,  and  in 
general,  to  the  superficial  observances  of 
life.  And  it  is  only  equitable  to  require 
of  a  child  a  certain  consideration  and  def- 
erence for  the  wishes  of  his  relatives  and 
elder  friends,  not  to  exact  of  him  the  obe- 
dience he  owes  only  to  his  parents,  and 


A   WORKING  IDEAL.  91 

which  they  have  no  right   to  transfer  to 
others  while  they  live. 

It  may  be  that  the  above  opinion, 
being  contrary  to  the  general  easy-going 
practice,  will  seem  unnecessarily  precise, 
but  it  will,  I  think,  stand  investigating. 
We  are  proceeding  upon  the  basis  of  there 
being  in  the  parent's  mind  "  an  ideal  to 
work  toward  ; "  an  ideal  only  formulated 
after  painstaking  study  of  the  principles 
of  natural  equity  and  the  laws  of  human 
development.  Hard  as  he  himself  finds 
it  to  keep  ever  in  view  the  welfare  of  his 
child,  and  to  act  in  each  case  deliberately 
and  conscientiously,  with  due  regard  to 
his  convictions,  how  can  he  impart  to 
others  such  a  complete  conception  of  this 
"  working  ideal "  as  may  prevent  the  clash- 
ing of  their  opinions  and  ways  with  his 
own  ?  It  is  practically  impossible.  Usu- 
ally the  less  people  know  the  more 
tenaciously  they  know  that,  and  the  more 
incapable  they  are  of  entering  into  the 
plans  and  ideas  of  others  the  more  obsti- 
nately they  are  bent  upon  procedures 
which  have  no  method  in  them  but  self- 
will.  A  parent  will  find  himself  contra- 


92 


NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 


dieted  and  set  at  naught  by  his  own  fam- 
ily, by  his  child's  teachers,  and  by  nurses, 
if  he  permits  it.  Each  of  them  may  be 
doing  what  they  believe  right  and  proper, 
but  the  result  is  unfortunate.  As  regards 
family,  a  parent  must  use  tact  to  avert  a 
superfluity  of  advice  and  control  ;  as  re- 
gards teachers,  he  has  comparatively  little 
to  apprehend  if  his  child  has  been  trained 
in  that  self-command  which  makes  it  pos- 
sible for  him  to  quietly  take  his  place 
among  others,  as  the  member  of  a  little 
civic  community.  But  this  cannot  always 
be.  Without  being  in  the  least  vicious, 
the  child  may  possess  traits  which  makes 
individual  consideration  indispensable. 
He  may  be  restless,  nervous,  volatile,  or 
prone  to  dive  to  the  bottom  of  every 
topic  and  ask  many  questions.  Or  he  may 
have  a  real  incapacity  forgetting  informa- 
tion in  routine  ways  and  hate  text-books. 
This  distaste  to  study  should  by  no 
means  be  taken  as  a  sign  of  invincible 
stupidity,  as  it  sometimes  is.  One  recol- 
lects with  comfort  that  Daniel  Webster 
was  repeatedly  expelled  from  school;  that 
Napoleon  was  only  reported  to  be  "  very 


PERSONAL  PECULIARITIES.  93 

healthy  "  and  that  some  of  the  finest  intel- 
lects of  all  periods  have  shown  a  decided 
aversion  to  the  discipline  imposed  by 
others,  and  have  been  unable  to  learn  much 
or  do  anything  important  until  they 
reached  the  age  to  impose  the  necessary 
mental  discipline  upon  themselves.  When 
a  child  shows  himself  rebellious  to  the 
rules  of  a  school,  the  teacher  is  compelled, 
from  the  nature  of  his  position,  to  treat 
him  as  an  offender.  Individual  consider- 
ation, leniency  toward  personal  peculiar- 
ities, is  out  of  the  question.  But  this  is, 
while  seemingly  a  necessary  condition  of 
the  schools,  as  at  present  managed,  a  very 
undesirable  state  of  affairs.  Some  prin- 
cipals of  private  institutions,  recognizing 
the  need  of  reform  in  school-government, 
have  had  the  courage  to  adopt  some 
original  methods,  which  they  deem  more 
in  harmony  with  nature.  Advertisements 
appear  from  time  to  time,  for  "  pupils  who 
have  been  unfortunate  in  other  schools  or 
have  been  mis-managed  at  home."  And 
sometimes  the  most  surprising  transforma- 
tion of  character  takes  place  in  a  child  by 
removing  him  from  a  regular  school  to  an 


94  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

institution  of  this  sort,  where  the  prime 
object  is  not  learning,  but  the  develop- 
ment of  character,  which  is,  slow  as 
people  are  to  recognize  the  fact,  the  only 
education  having  any  value. 

One  encounters  at  every  turn  some 
dogmatical  sentence  meant  to  be  death  to 
progress.  People  often  uphold  the  ma- 
chine methods  which  have  so  long  pre- 
vailed in  all  institutions  of  learning,  and 
are  being  gradually  abandoned,  by  the 
argument  that  children  should  be  early 
habituated  to  harsh  discipline  that  they 
may  be  fitted  to  endure  the  after-disci- 
pline of  the  world.  It  is  true  that  birds 
born  in  captivity  are  less  apt  to  pine  for 
freedom  than  those  caught  and  tamed. 
But  is  the  world  as  bad  as  it  is  represented, 
in  this  respect — is  it  really  a  prison  ?  On 
the  contrary,  there  never  was  a  time  when 
character  and  talent  had  such  an  oppor- 
tunity to  create  for  itself  a  happy  destiny. 
Originality  is  at  a  premium,  and  one 
touch  of  personal  power  goes  farther  than 
tons  of  learning.  The  person  having  the 
original  power  will  get  the  learning  neces- 
sary to  him,  though  he  should  be  reared 


NURSEMAIDS. 


95 


where  there  are  neither  schools  nor 
teachers.  But  the  point  is  that  unhappi- 
ness  is  not  a  necessary  part  of  the  prepara- 
tion for  life,  since  the  world  will  let  even 
grown  people  be  happy  if  they  can.  And 
children  should  not  be  suppressed  upon 
the  principle  of  getting  them  used  to  sup- 
pression. We  should  avoid  "  over-gov- 
ernment "  which  produces  slaves,  much 
out  of  place  in  our  enlightened  age. 

Among  the  most  serious  adverse  in- 
fluences working  against  model  govern- 
ment must  be  reckoned  the  authority  and 
companionship  of  servants.  Many  chil- 
dren are  left  almost  entirely  in  charge  of 
nurses  who  are  trusted  with  a  power  so 
unlimited  that  it  can  only  be  accounted 
for  by  ignorance  or  thoughtlessness  of 
parents.  It  is  inconceivable  that  they 
would  permit  it  if  they  realized  its  extent. 
The  nurse  who  is  with  her  charge  all  day, 
who  is  the  first  person  to  see  him  in  the 
morning  and  who  puts  him  to  rest  at  night, 
not  only  is  the  custodian  of  his  health  and 
happiness,  but  she  exercises  an  influence 
which  moulds  his  moral  character,  and  so 
she  has  in  her  keeping  not  only  the  pres- 


96  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

ent,  but  the  future.  Is  not  this  a  trust  be- 
yond the  capacity,  not  only  of  the  ordinary 
girls  who  are  most  often  invested  with  it, 
but  even  of  an  exceptionally  well-trained 
and  conscientious  maid  ?  What  stranger, 
springing  necessarily  from  a  less  refined  and 
cultured  ancestry,  and  lacking,  therefore, 
that  innate  perception  of  differences  es- 
sential to  the  sympathetic  comprehension 
of  even  an  average  child,  can  come  into 
a  family  and,  taking  the  place  of  a  mother, 
adequately  perform  a  mother's  duties? 
It  is  certain  that,  even  with  the  best  inten- 
tions, she  will  make  grave  mistakes,  for 
she  will  lack  knowledge  of  all  those  an- 
tecedent circumstances  which  play  so 
large  a  part  in  governing  a  child's  conduct. 
It  is  continually  necessary  to  take  many 
remote  factors  into  account,  to  study 
children,  not  only  as  they  are,  but  as  they 
cannot  help  being,  from  their  hereditary 
tendencies  and  their  environment. 

In  America  nurses  are  seldom  allowed 
positively  to  punish  their  charges,  but  they 
are  not  restricted  from  threatening  them, 
and  this  is  very  nearly  as  bad.  A  perpetual 
little  rain  of  denunciations  and  scoldings 


HECTORING.  97 

is  almost  as  evil  an  atmosphere  as  a  child 
can  be  subjected  to.  He  then  soon  loses 
his  sensitiveness  and  becomes  hardened 
to  reproof.  They  become  more  and  more 
a  matter  of  course  until  he  attaches 
no  importance  to  them.  Consequently, 
when  he  really  needs  correction  it  has 
to  be  severe  in  order  to  be  impressive. 
Higher  authority  is  called  in  and  harsh 
measures  resorted  to,  of  which  the  most 
pitiful  thing  is,  that  when  once  begun  they 
are  apt  to  be  continued.  For  unkind 
thoughts  follow  each  severe  punishment 
and  widen  a  breach  between  parent  and 
child. 

I  have  heard  it  remarked  among  experi- 
enced parents,  that  those  of  their  children 
who  had  had  nurses  were  far  more  trouble- 
some than  the  ones  who  had  been  raised 
without.  Naturally,  the  latter  being  more 
with  their  mothers  had  arrived  at  a  better 
mutual  understanding,  as  well  as  having 
been  exempt  from  alien  legislation.  But 
there  is  another  fact  to  be  taken  into  ac- 
count, and  this  is,  that  in  all  probability, 
they  had  more  liberty  of  action.  People 
do  not  realize  the  extent  of  the  "  hector- 
7 


9g  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

ing  "  which  children  under  the  constant 
care  of  servants,  undergo.  Only  intelli- 
gent, self-controlled  minds  have  the  capac- 
ity for  silent  watchfulness,  which  is  the 
sort  of  care  desirable  for  a  child.  Gener- 
ally there  is  far  too  much  talking,  the 
greater  part  of  which  is  unintelligible  to 
the  ears  it  is  directed  to.  One  clear-cut 
sentence,  timely  and  appropriate,  conveys 
more  than  the  discussion  of  an  hour.  So 
one  avoids  curtness,  the  fewer  words  the 
better. 

Many  little  faults  for  which  children 
are  chided  are  not  worth  noticing:  they 
are  inevitable  to  their  period  of  life  and 
will  be  outgrown,  if  we  have  patience  to 
wait.  How  often  we  are  guilty  of  the 
folly  of  digging  up  the  seeds  in  our  human 
garden  to  see  if  they  have  sprouted  !  It 
is  easy,  too,  to  overcrowd  the  soil.  One 
temptation  ever  presents  itself  to  a  parent ; 
to  substitute  his  own  experience  and 
knowledge  for  the  natural  education  of 
time  and  opportunity,  and  by  saving  his 
child  all  mistakes,  enable  him  to  arrive  at 
something  near  perfection.  He  inclines 
to  believe  that  the  mere  telling  and  show- 


PARENTAL  AMBITION.  99 

ing  will  enlighten.  But  alas,  each  mortal 
has  to  work  out  his  own  salvation,  and 
vicarious  experience  is  of  little  account. 

Our  offspring  are  "  an  unknown  quan- 
tity," and  viewing  them  in  the  cradles  we 
think  that  with  opportunity  they  may  be- 
come anything.  Parental  ambition  is 
satisfied  with  nothing  less  than  what  the 
despairing  gardener  told  his  exacting  cus- 
tomer she  wanted  "  everything  in  one 
rose."  But  not  only  is  child-nature  faulty, 
but  all  human  nature  has  its  natural  lim- 
itations. As  a  mild  suggestion  upon  this 
point  I  quote  the  following  cautious  sen- 
tence :  "  I  would  venture  to  remind  parents 
of  the  necessity  of  practicing  on  them- 
selves that  fortitude  and  patience  they 
desire  to  cultivate  in  their  young  charges." 


CHAPTER  VII. 

THE    JUDICIOUS   MANAGEMENT    OF   EMO- 
TIONAL  OUTBURSTS. 

"  Remember  that  the  chaos  of  unreason  in  childhood 
is  itself,  in  some  measure,  an  incapacity  of  a  relatively 
diseased  sort,  and  that  the  wise  teacher  is  a  sort  of 
physician  who  is  to  help  the  child  toward  gaining  that 
sort  of  health  we  call  maturity." — ROYCE. 

""THE  great  difficulty  in  the  path  of 
parents  is  that  while  children  uni- 
formly unfold  in  character  in  the  natural 
order  of  development,  the  traditional 
methods  of  management,  and  such  as  are 
customarily  employed,  not  only  take  no 
account  of  this  order,  but  invert  it,  aim- 
ing to  make  the  child  develop  in  a  way 
contrary  to  his  powers  and  possibilities. 
Life  is,  in  its  first  manifestation,  purely 
sensuous,  and  as  feeling  thus  belongs 
wholly  to  the  present  moment,  there 
being  no  recollections  of  the  past,  there 


NE  W  EXPERIENCES.  j  01 

is  lacking  that  modification  and  restraint 
which  palliates  suffering.  So  a  child's 
feelings  are  intense  in  proportion  to  the 
narrowness  of  his  experience  ;  for  all  that 
he  knows,  pain  may  last  forever,  and  the 
passionate  revolt  he  makes  is  his  instinct- 
ive protest,  uncontrollable,  because  it  is 
the  blind,  frightened  instinct  of  self- 
preservation. 

We  know  how  appalling  is  a  novel  sort 
of  catastrophe,  whose  limitations  we  are 
not  able  to  estimate,  and  that  therefore  falls 
upon  us  with  crushing  power.  What  is 
called  "  getting  used  to  a  thing  "  is  nothing 
but  the  growth  of  representation,  which 
recalls  to  mind  the  degree  of  discomfort 
formerly  endured,  and  so  there  is  con- 
veyed the  reassurance  that  as  we  were 
able  to  survive  that  much  we  will  very 
probably  come  unscathed  through  what 
we  are  undergoing  now.  But  to  children 
many  new  and  startling  experiences 
occur  every  day,  startling  because  un- 
paralleled, and  so  exciting  outbursts  of 
emotion  resembling  anger,  but  which  are 
often  compounded  of  aversion  and  fright. 
It  is  a  common  observation  among  people 


!  02  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

watching  a  crying  child — "  Oh,  she  is  only 
crying  from  temper — nothing  is  the 
matter  with  her."  Is  that  degree  of 
mental  disturbance  which  leads  to  tears 
and  sobbing,  sometimes  convulsive,  so 
slight  a  thing  as  to  demand  no  special 
investigation  and  make  no  call  upon  our 
sympathy  ?  Disapproval  should  be  in 
proportion  to  the  amount  of  intention  in 
the  act,  not  in  proportion  to  the  disagree- 
able effect  produced  upon  beholders. 
And  summary  punishment  for  the  pas- 
sionate outbursts  of  children  is  simply 
cruelty.  There  are  two  ways  of  managing 
such  natural  and  inevitable  fits :  by  the 
exhibition  in  ourselves  of  more  extreme 
violence  ;  and  by  the  exercise  of  such  self- 
command  as  will  enable  us  to  detect  the 
quality  of  the  disturbance  and  through  the 
employment  of  tact,  bring  the  demented 
one  to  his  senses.  A  sober  judgment 
can  hardly  hesitate  which  choice  to  make. 
But  the  trouble  is  that  the  right  way  is — 
troublesome.  It  takes  intelligence  as 
well  as  virtue  to  appreciate  the  character 
of  something  which  offends  and  distresses 
us.  The  long  way  in  this  case  is,  how- 


DIVERSIONS.  103 

ever,  the  shortest  in  the  end.  When  we 
have  learned  how  to  deal  with  a  child 
once  we  have  the  key  to  all  future 
management. 

The  primary  characteristic  of  all  child- 
ish emotions  is  their  transitoriness. 
Grief,  anger,  fear,  yield  quickly  to  the 
succeeding  feeling  excited  by  a  new 
cause.  Diversion  of  mind  is  the  natural 
way  of  pacifying  wrong  feelings.  They 
should  be  prevented  expression  by  making 
expression  of  the  opposite  feeling  neces- 
sary. Soothing  wounded  feeling  is  the 
stimulating  of  pleasing  emotions  in  an- 
other direction,  as  when  a  child  is  led  to 
forgetfulness  of  a  lost  toy  by  the  recital 
of  an  interesting  story.  But  it  is  so  easy 
for  all  general  rules  to  be  abused  that 
even  the  most  commonplace  idea,  which 
this  idea  of  the  diversion  of  a  child's 
mind  from  grief  is,  may  be  absurdly  inter- 
preted. Yesterday  I  saw  a  mother, 
holding  an  intelligent-looking  baby  in  a 
crowded  railway  station,  try  to  calm  its 
crying,  which  quite  apparently  arose  from 
excitement  at  the  noise  and  confusion — 
by  trotting  it  roughly  on  her  knees. 


1 04  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

Looking  away  and  talking  animatedly  to 
an  acquaintance,  she  gave  the  baby  not 
an  instant's  attention,  but  finally  thrust- 
ing a  bottle  of  milk  into  its  mouth,  con- 
tinued her  mechanical  trotting  until  the 
bottle  was  shaken  out  of  its  mouth,  and 
its  low,  bewildered  crying  recommenced. 
Such  intelligent  management  as  this  may 
be  expected  to  bring  on"  tantrums"  later 
on. 

It  is  a  radical  error  to  be  careless  of 
provoking  children.  All  emotions  are 
latent,  and  it  is  desirable  that  those  we 
wish  to  remain  weak  should  be  allowed 
to  remain  latent.  The  longer  they  re- 
main unexercised  the  less  forceful  they 
will  be  ultimately.  Sully  remarks  in  his 
Handbook  of  Psychology :  "  In  the 
matter  of  feelings  it  is  emphatically  true 
that  prevention  is  better  than  cure.  We 
must  take  care  that  children  with  a  strong 
disposition  to  violent  temper  should  not 
be  exposed  to  circumstances  likely  to  in- 
flame their  passions.  An  envious  child 
ought  not  to  be  placed  in  a  situation 
which  is  pretty  certain  to  excite  this  feel- 
ing. An  emotional  susceptibility  may  to 


SELF-CONTROL.  105 

some    extent    be     weakened    and     even 
'  starved  out '  by  want  of  exercise." 

The  advantage  of  aiding  a  child  to  sup- 
press emotional  susceptibilities  is  that  we 
thus  give  him  time  to  develop  those 
superior  mental  faculties  which  offset  and 
control  feeling.  But  for  the  "  saving 
grace  "  of  such  knowledge  as  we  possess 
and  which  keeps  up  always  a  certain 
amount  of  intellectual  activity,  few  adults 
would  be  able  to  exercise  more  control 
over  their  feelings  than  children  do. 
Plato  thought  ignorance  the  real  vice  and 
knowledge  the  real  virtue.  Idiots  mani- 
fest, in  the  violence  of  their  passions,  how 
excessive  is  the  tyranny  of  mere  sensa- 
tion. We  cannot  reason  with  a  young 
child,  but  we  can  use  our  own  reason  for 
him ;  we  can  stimulate  mental  activity 
by  furnishing  some  object  to  his  percep- 
tion, or  by  introducing  some  pleasing 
excitant  of  emotion  which  may  replace 
the  disagreeable  one.  It  is  said  that 
children  under  three  or  four  are  not  ap- 
preciative of  musical  harmony,  but  it  is 
certain  that  even  if  lacking  at  this  age  in 
the  musical  sense,  they  are  susceptible  to 


!  06  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

musical  sounds.  I  was  once  witness  of  a 
scene  in  the  country  where  a  little  boy  of 
eighteen  months,  an  excessively  nervous, 
excitable  child,  fell  into  an  unaccountable 
"  furor "  which  nothing  could  appease. 
He  threw  himself  on  the  grass  and 
screamed,  until  his  parents  withdrew  in 
despair,  thinking  to  let  the  paroxysm  ex- 
haust itself.  A  young  lady  at  this  junct- 
ure was  inspired  to  go  to  the  piano  and 
play  some  of  her  usual  airs.  The  soft 
strains  of  the  music  wound  through  the 
house,  and  reaching  the  excited  child  pro- 
duced an  instant  effect.  Gradually  his 
screaming  ceased,  he  got  up  and,  after  a 
little  hesitation,  ran  toward  the  house 
and  made  straight  for  the  piano,  his  little 
frame  trembling  violently,  and  his  crying 
now  being  subdued  to  a  low  sobbing  which 
presently  ceased  altogether.  After  listen- 
ing for  a  few  moments  he  went  over  to 
his  mother  and  fell  asleep  in  her  arms, 
exhausted,  but  at  peace.  The  parents  of 
this  child  were  themselves  exceptionally 
nervous,  sensitive  people,  and  the  circum- 
stances surrounding  his  birth  had  been 
so  peculiar  as  to  affect  the  mental  organ- 


FOLLOW  NA  TURE. 


107 


ization  of  the  child  adversely.  He  need- 
ed the  most  delicate  and  sympathetic 
management,  and  it  would  have  been  im- 
possible for  strangers  to  have  had  patience 
with  him.  No  outsider  can  see  beyond 
the  "  trying  "  traits  of  a  child,  the  con- 
fusing and  contradictory  impulses  to 
which  he  may  be  subject  from  his  inheri- 
tance. Philosophy  must  reinforce  affec- 
tion, for  however  strong  the  mere  "  sense 
of  duty"  it  can  never  stand  the  strain 
one  small  human  being,  a  reproduction 
of  our  own  faults  and  more  beside,  can 
make  upon  it  in  a  single  day. 

But  the  one  wisdom  that  never  fails, 
that  is  present  from  the  beginning  to  the 
end,  is  the  wisdom  that  we  most  seldom 
have  in  mind  and  to  which  we  trust  the 
least.  Nature  is  the  first,  the  true 
mother  and  educator.  She  governs  rig- 
idly, but  without  harshness  or  partiality  ; 
with  wordless  justice.  Says  Rousseau 
sagaciously,  "  We  must  follow  and  assist 
nature."  This  happens  when  we  relate 
the  penalty  of  an  offense  to  itself.  Thus, 
When  a  child  has  been  cross  to  his  com- 
panions, leave  him  to  play  by  himself 


1 08  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

until  such  time  as  he  asks  to  be  allowed 
the  privilege  of  being  with  them  again. 
The  least  show  of  parental  anger  should 
be  avoided,  for  that  will  increase  the 
child's  irritation  and  prevent  his  regaining 
control  of  himself.  A  good-humored  re- 
buke, such  a  reminder  as  the  question, 
"  Do  you  think  you  can  make  yourself  so 
pleasant  now  that  they  will  want  you  ?  " 
will  be  far  more  efficacious  than  frown  or 
sermon.  There  is  nothing  that  a  child  is 
so  sure  to  suffer  from  among  his  compan- 
ions, as  temper.  With  the  little  ones  it 
is  a  heinous  social  impropriety,  and  a 
young  Hotspur  learns  prudence  and  ami- 
ability much  more  certainly  through  com- 
panionship with  other  children  than  his 
parents  could  teach  him.  "  The  desire  to 
keep  the  good  opinion  of  others,"  observes 
Dr.  McCosh,  "  often  makes  the  tyranny 
exercised  over  boys  by  their  companions, 
in  workshops,  in  schools,  and  colleges, 
more  formidable  than  any  wielded  by  the 
harshest  masters  or  rulers." 

We  may  save  our  children  much  by 
observing  wherein  lies  their  tendency  to 
err,  and  kindly  pointing  it  out  to  them. 


PUNISHMENTS.  109 

But  leave  them  free  to  choose,  and  to 
enjoy  or  suffer,  as  may  be.  When 
punishment  is  certain  to  follow  in  due 
course,  as  it  will  in  the  case  of  nearly  all 
social  offenses,  it  is  better  for  us  to  leave 
the  matter  alone.  We  have  a  large 
jurisdiction,  and  a  heavy  responsibility  ; 
no  need  to  try  to  extend  it.  It  is  well 
to  make  punishment  distinctive.  An  in- 
genious parent  can  readily  devise  some 
new  penalty  for  every  conspicuous  wrong 
action ;  the  slighter  the  better,  for  its 
effect  depends  not  upon  its  severity  but 
upon  its  certainty.  Some  little  irksome 
restraint  or  task  is  enough.  In  every 
case  the  parent  must  control  his  own  feel- 
ings, so  as  not  to  entertain  for  an  instant 
the  idea  that  his  child  has  offended  him, 
and  therefore  punishment  follows.  This 
is  to  make  it  retributive,  revengeful,  and 
not  remedial,  as  it  should  be.  A  great 
mistake  too,  is  to  make  punishment 
cumulative — for  general  naughtiness.  It 
is  wrong  to  let  a  child  go  on  doing 
many  trivial  acts,  each  in  itself  insufficient 
to  constitute  an  offense,  and  then  ad- 
minister correction  on  general  principles. 


1 1  o  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

If  a  wrong  act  is  not  noticed  at  the  ajx 
propriate  time  it  should  not  be  noticed 
later.  A  parent  is  not  a  Nemesis,  to  keep 
account  of  misdemeanors  and  bear  down 
heavily  upon  the  offender  in  the  course  of 
time.  He  cannot  safely  express  either 
anger  or  revenge  ;  only  sorrow.  And 
even  that  guardedly.  He  must  take  care 
not  to  make  the  effect  out  of  proportion 
to  the  cause,  and  throw  a  gloom  over  the 
child's  life  by  an  exaggerated  show  of  grief. 
A  look,  a  sigh,  sometimes  makes  a  wonder- 
fully lasting  impression.  In  Alice  Gary's 
beautiful  poem,  "  An  Order  for  a 
Picture,"  the  man,  recalling  his  mother's 
sorrowful  gaze  into  his  guilty  little  face 
when  his  baby  lips  had  lied  to  her,  cries 
out  : 

"  But,  oh,  that  look  of  reproachful  woe ! 
High  as  the  heavens  your  name  I'll  shout 
If  you'll  paint  me  the  picture  and  leave  that  out !  " 

How  gentle  must  have  been  that 
mother's  ordinary  look,  when  her  grief 
sank  so  deeply  into  the  memory  of  her 
erring  child. 

Lying  is,  perhaps,  the  most  difficult  of 
all  faults  to  visit  with  its  adequate  and 


SCOLDING,  1 1 1 

appropriate  punishment.  Wrong  manage- 
ment may  so  easily  confirm  it  into  a 
habit,  and  when  this  is  established  it  is 
well-nigh  incurable.  An  appeal  to  the 
child's  moral  sense  is  the  only  safe 
measure :  sternness  must  absolutely  be 
avoided,  for,  as  lying  shows  fear,  anything 
which  increases  this  sentiment  only  drives 
the  culprit  further  away  from  truth.  The 
tendency  toward  falsehood  should  be 
counteracted  by  strengthening  the  child's 
mind,  imbuing  him  with  courage  and 
confidence  ;  making  him  in  a  way,  master 
of  himself.  Children  are  often  driven  to 
deceit  by  mere  habits  of  fretfulness  in 
their  elders.  They  will  begin  by  conceal- 
ing little  accidents  and  end  by  trying  to 
keep  everything  out  of  sight  which  is 
likely  to  induce  a  "  scolding."  This 
"  scolding "  is  the  dread  of  childhood. 
I  have  heard  little  girls  talking  the  matter 
over  amongst  themselves  and  vowing  that 
it  was  the  worst  thing  in  the  world ! 
Fretfulness  is  too  common.  The  nervous, 
overburdened  mother  frowns  unconsciously 
when  her  little  ones  get  in  her  way  and 
interfere  with  her  work ;  and  when  she 


1 1 2  NURSE  R  Y  £  THICS. 

loses  control  of  her  face,  her  tongue  slips 
the  leash  too,  and  a  sharp  word  brings 
untimely  dismay  to  a  thoughtlesss  but 
not  naughty  child. 

It  is  a  good  rule  never  to  reprove  a 
child  for  causing  inconvenience  unless  he 
has  done  so  maliciously.  I  was  once 
greatly  impressed  in  witnessing  an  in- 
stance of  self-restraint  in  a  mother  who 
had  the  reputation  of  being  an  admirable 
disciplinarian,  on  an  occasion  when  her 
little  girl  broke  a  bracelet  she  had  let  her 
take  in  her  hand.  There  was  not  a  shade 
of  impatience,  not  any  allusion  to  care- 
lessness, but  the  subject  was  instantly  dis- 
posed of  with  the  smiling  remark,  "  I 
should  not  have  let  her  have  it." 

Respecting  all  the  minor  affairs  of  life 
influence  alone  should  be  used  to  bring 
about  the  attitude  we  desire.  Thinking, 
with  Mandeville,  that  "  the  laws  of  good 
manners  are  a  kind  of  lesser  morality,  for 
the  better  securing  our  pleasure  in  so- 
ciety," we  ought  to  realize  that  there  is  a 
wide  difference  between  offending  the 
proprieties  and  deliberate  wrong-doing. 
And  no  devious  reasoning  should  lead  to 


ETIQUETTE.  113 

the  elevating  a  venial  fault  to  the  dignity 
of  an  offense  by  making  it  an  object  of 
distinct  command.  Some  parents  will 
think  they  have  a  right  to  punish  a  child 
for  mis-using  fork  or  spoon  at  the  table, 
when,  in  fact,  they  had  no  right  to  issue 
commands  concerning  these  matters  at  all. 
The  only  rule  here  must  be  suggestion 
and  example. 

We  wish,  above  all,  that  our  children 
should  grow  up  honest  and  upright. 
Well,  then,  we  must  be  content  to  let 
many  little  things  slip.  I  have  observed 
that  some  of  the  finest  spirits,  those  bent 
on  high  aims,  have  a  real  distaste  to  mat- 
ters of  mere  etiquette.  Such  natural 
aversions  should  be  respected.  We 
want  our  little  boys  to  doff  their  caps  to 
ladies,  and  to  have  our  girls  gentle  and 
deft  in  their  ways  ;  but  if  the  male  scion 
of  the  house  is  a  born  Quaker,  and  the 
girl  a  second  edition  of  Miss  Alcott's 
"  Jo  "  we  ought  to  make  up  our  mind  to 
patient  endurance  of  their  idiosyncracies 
until  our  influence  and  example  have 
brought  about  something  of  the  desired 
reform.  And  it  will  be  none  the  slower 


1 1 4  NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 

for  our  not  attempting  to  force  it.  Chil- 
dren have  so  much  to  learn  and  are 
obliged  to  listen  to  so  many  admonitions 
that  sometimes  they  close  their  weary 
ears  to  everything.  Their  moral  nature 
grows  while  resting,  and  they  often  sur- 
prise us  by  beginning  to  do  of  their  own 
accord  what  we  have  despairingly  given 
over  advising. 

General  advice  is  always  useless.  It  is 
best  to  follow  the  plan  of  Frcebel  and  in- 
culcate the  lesson  at  the  time  it  is  needed, 
by  an  appropriate  anecdote  or  practical 
illustration,  and  let  the  moral  have  refer- 
ence to  past  conduct.  Or,  better  still,  let 
the  child  puzzle  out  the  moral  for  himself 
and  explain  it  to  you.  In  the  delight  of 
driving  home  the  fault  of  an  imaginary 
person  a  child  learns  speedily  to  form  a 
distaste  for  the  fault  itself.  As  Hoare 
says  :  "  If  we  desire  to  perform  our  duty 
toward  our  children  it  is  not  to  their  out- 
ward conduct  but  to  the  heart  that  we 
must  direct  our  chief  attention." 

The  most  difficult  position  is  that  of  a 
parent  who  has  begun  wrong,  and  attempts 
at  length  to  introduce  a  reform  into  the 


PATIENCE.  115 

nursery.  Particularly  if  he  has  been  lax 
and  careless  and  suddenly  resolves  to  take 
the  reins.  Haste  and  severity  are  ruinous 
measures.  Everything  should  be  done 
gradually  and  gently,  and  "  One  must  be 
prepared  for  a  lengthened  trial  of  patience 
with  children  who  have  been  wrongly 
dealt  with,"  as  a  great  writer  observes : 
"  Seeing  that  that  which  is  not  easy  where 
a  right  state  of  feeling  has  been  established 
from  the  beginning  becomes  doubly  diffi- 
cult when  a  wrong  state  of  feeling  has  set 
in." 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

PRE-NATAL  INFLUENCES   AND  THE   FIRST 
DAYS   OF   LIFE. 

"  Deformities  of  character  in  the  pupil  should  be 
traced  back  to  their  origin.  Only  by  comprehend- 
ing the  historic  growth  of  an  organic  defect  are  we 
able  to  prescribe  the  best  remedies.  Such  deformities 
are  often  symptoms  of  deeper  evils." — ROSEN KRANZ. 

JVA  EN  and  women  in  whom  the  parental 
*  *  instinct  is  strong  enough  to  subdue 
transient  impulses  for  the  benefit  of  their 
offspring  can  furnish  an  impetus  in  the 
right  direction  to  the  souls  of  their  unborn 
children.  But  while  people  are  contin- 
ually warned  to  "  prepare  for  death,"  that 
thing  which  no  preparation  serves  to  de- 
prive of  its  awful,  immutable  character, 
seldom  is  there  any  allusion  made  to  the 
duty  which  is  even  more  manifest  and 
far  more  natural,  prepare  for  birth. 
A  mother's  preparation  for  the  coming  of 


PRENATAL  INFLUENCE.  117 

her  child  usually  consists  in  making  a 
"layette."  Perhaps  into  the  tiny  gar- 
ments, as  they  grow  beneath  her  fingers, 
she  sews  some  tender,  maternal  fancies, 
some  broodings,  reflections,  and  hopes 
upon  the  young  life  soon  to  be  ushered 
into  this  world.  Well  for  the  child 
if  this  is  so ;  if  there  is  affection  and 
contentment  in  the  mother's  heart. 
"  The  child,"  warns  Michelet,  "  should 
not  come  before  the  cradle  is  prepared 
for  him,"  meaning,  not  that  article  of  rose- 
wood and  lace  which  stands  in  the  corner 
of  the  chamber  donated  to  the  child  who 
is  to  be  "  born  with  a  silver  spoon  in  its 
mouth,"  but  the  invisible  home  of  the 
spirit  created  in  the  mother's  mind.  In 
his  mystical,  sentimental  way  the  kindly 
French  philosopher  talks  of  "moral  incuba- 
tion "  where  the  man  imbues  the  mind  of 
his  wife  with  great  ideas  and  leads  her  up- 
ward from  the  commonplace  to  the  higher 
realm  of  thought  and  feeling.  Women 
must  always  read  this  with  a  sad  and  skep- 
tical smile.  Men  are  not  wont  either  to 
feel  or  to  assume  this  responsibility.  The 
feminine  mind  which  aspires  to  ideals 


!  1 8  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

above  the  sordid  matters  of  every  day,  us- 
ually dreams  and  hopes  alone,  knowing 
that  to  confide  such  visions  would  bring 
ridicule  and  impatience  from  the  "  partner 
of  her  sorrows  and  joys."  Yet  it  is  a 
beautiful  ideal,  never  relinquished  without 
sorrow,  and  the  women  who  see  in 
"  L'Amour"  much  nonsense  and  impracti- 
cality,  will  forgive  Michelet  for  all  for  the 
sake  of  the  exquisite  grace  of  this  one 
chapter. 

If  they  cannot  depend  upon  their  hus- 
bands to  be  guide  and  companion  in  the 
pursuit  of  this  high  duty,  how  shall 
women  fulfill  it?  Alone,  if  it  must  be. 
This  is  not  the  place  to  dwell  upon  those 
strange,  sad,  spiritual  "  incompatibilities  " 
which  are  the  ruin  of  so  many  ideals  of 
happiness.  "Then,"  sings  Tennyson, 
"  reign  the  world's  great  bridals,  chaste  and 
fair."  But  the  world  must  wait  awhile  for 
its  ideal  race.  That  comes  only  through 
complete  union  between  the  parents,  when 
love  will  mean  a  companionship  abso- 
lutely inseparable,  of  life,  mind,  and  spirit. 
In  the  midst  of  the  practical  solicitations 
of  our  pitifully  commonplace  living,  and 


INHERITANCE. 


119 


the  "  dragging-down  cares  "  that  beset  us 
every  hour,  something  still  may  be  done 
for  our  coming  children,  if  we  wish  it. 
We  need  not  limit  our  preparation  to 
material  things,  but  give  some  attention 
to  influencing,  by  means  of  our  own  occu- 
pations and  thoughts,  the  character  which 
will  one  day  give  us  the  greatest  concern. 
This  power  is,  withal,  limited  by  the  law 
of  inheritance,  which  makes  parents  only 
agents  for  the  transmission  of  certain 
fixed  qualities.  Emerson  would  have  the 
grandparents  of  the  child  undergo  the  pre- 
liminary education,  which  would  certainly 
not  be  amiss,  if  it  were  possible.  Our- 
selves, as  future  grandparents,  we  may 
control,  yet  there  is,  even  here,  a  fatalism 
in  our  movements.  How  frequently 
people  find  themselves  doing  and  saying 
precisely  that  which  they  had  resolved  not 
to  do  and  say,  as  if  some  impulse  overruled 
their  judgment  and  intention.  This  is  the 
momentum  of  all  the  past  bearing  down 
our  individually  acquired  ideas.  Yet  we, 
in  turn,  help  to  roll  up  the  momentum  of 
a  future  period,  and  every  victory  of  ours 
of  reason  and  conscience  over  impulse 


!  2  0  NUKSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

make  stronger  and  more  positive  the 
moral  nature  of  our  offspring.  So  the  re- 
sponsibility of  a  parent  begins  long  before 
there  is  a  tangible,  living  fact  before  him 
in  the  shape  of  a  baby.  What  the  man  is 
at  the  time  when,  most  unrecking  his 
awful  power,  he  indulges,  perhaps,  some 
momentary  caprice,  he  imparts  to  his 
child.  And  the  whims  of  the  mother,  her 
habits,  and  her  desires,  have  an  influence 
which  it  is  impossible  to  estimate  but 
whose  effects  can  often  be  traced,  even  by 
the  least  reflective  parent.  Scientists  dif- 
fer greatly  in  their  judgment  of  the  capac- 
ity for  mental  assimilation  possessed  by 
the  fcetal  organism.  That  it  is  affected 
by  such  sentiments  as  fear,  anger,  and 
joy,  is  on  all  sides  admitted,  and  while 
withholding  coincidence  with  such  ex- 
treme views  as  those  advanced  by  some 
enthusiasts,  that  through  the  fluid  in 
which  the  foetus  floats  is  transmitted  every 
impression  made  upon  the  mothers,  there 
can  be  no  objection  to  the  statement  that 
all  the  mental  and  physical  faculties  of 
the  child,  while  not  alterable  in  their 
primary  nature,  by  any  intention  or  action 


INDIVIDUALITY.  121 

on  the  mother's  part,  are  subject  to  con- 
siderable modification.  Such  an  astute  ob- 
server as  Schopenhauer  warns  us  that  the 
mysterious  element  he  calls  the  "  genius 
of  the  genus  "  has  a  certain  will-power  be- 
fore it  has  actually  entered  into  what  we 
call  life.  Perez  appears  to  endow  it  with 
a  faculty  that  seems  like  conscious  selec- 
tion, the  power  of  taking  up  some  mental 
aliment  and  rejecting  other.  By  this  apt- 
itude for  selection  may  be  meant  nothing 
more  than  the  propensity  possessed  also  by 
the  lowest  species  of  plant  to  appropriate 
what  is  necessary  to  its  existence  :  or,  it 
may  be  that  germ  of  tendency,  the  out- 
come of  all  the  united  ancestral  proclivi- 
ties, which,  now  latent,  is  to  constitute, 
when  developed,  the  individuality  of  the 
child. 

In  so  slight  a  treatise  as  this  it  is  the 
aim  to  exclude  everything  of  a  theoreti- 
cal nature,  and  it  is  sufficient  for  the  pur- 
pose to  admit  that  the  action  of  the  out- 
ward world  in  the  impression  thereby  made 
upon  the  mother  has  a  distinct  effect  upon 
the  child,  beneficial  and  adverse.  But  as 
positive  opposed  to  negative  is  the  supe- 


1 2  2  NURSE K  y  £  THICS. 

rior  potency  of  a  mother's  acts  over  her 
sensations.  The  habit  which  prevails 
among  the  ignorant  of  humoring  all  the 
mother's  passing  whims,  lest  an  ungrat- 
ified  desire  should  "  mark  "  the  child  is  a 
remnant  of  barbaric  superstition.  Self- 
indulgence  does  indeed  "  mark  "  it  by  the 
transmission  of  the  tendency,  and  a 
mother  who  requires  everything  to  give 
way  to  her  and  selfishly  arrogates  every 
attention  will  probably  give  birth  to  a 
child  with  a  decided  bias  toward  selfish- 
ness. Proper  self-control  of  impulses  and 
appetites,  the  maintenance  of  a  rational, 
equable  tone  of  mind,  and  the  cultivation 
in  herself  of  such  qualities  as  she  would 
prefer  to  have  her  offspring  possess,  should 
be  the  rule  for  the  pregnant  woman. 
Healthful  occupation,  never  carried  to  the 
point  of  fatigue,  cheerful  recreation,  by 
giving  her  something  to  think  about,  is 
far  preferable  to  idleness.  So  far  as  one 
may  choose  there  ought  to  be  a  cheerful, 
pleasant  environment,  the  society  of  sym- 
pathetic friends  who  are  not  sentimentally 
lugubrious !  Excitement  and  worry  ought 
to  be  removed  far  from  her,  and  particu- 


THE  UNBORN.  123 

larly  solicitude  concerning  both  her  family 
and  her  affairs  should  not  be  permitted  to 
intrude  upon  her  thoughts.  Yet  it  is  not 
desirable  for  her  to  shut  herself  away  from 
contact  with  suffering  to  the  extent  of 
shunning  the  performance  of  duties. 
Some  women  are  peculiarly  sensitive  and 
sympathetic  at  this  time,  and  it  is  notice- 
able that  their  offspring  are  apt  to  be  re- 
markable for  the  absence  of  that  thought- 
less cruelty  common  to  many  children. 
Moral  faculties  are,  it  is  said,  transmitted 
from  the  father  and  mental  faculties  from 
the  mother.  But  no  such  invariable  rule 
can  be  admitted.  So  far  as  pre-natal  influ- 
ences can  be  traced,  character  is  inherited 
quite  as  much  from  the  maternal  as  from 
the  paternal  side,  with  perhaps  a  prepon- 
derance in  favor  of  the  former,  since  her 
influence  is  direct  and  that  of  the  father, 
in  all  of  that  long  period  of  gestation 
when  the  foetus  is  registering  impressions, 
— indirect,  acting  through  her. 

The  education  of  the  coming  child  con- 
stitutes too  large  a  field  of  discussion  to 
be  more  than  glanced  at  here.  But,  in 
general,  it  may  be  said  that  the  conscien- 


1 2  4  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

tious  and  wisely-directed  efforts  of  the 
mother  are  not  only  effective  in  influenc- 
ing beneficially  the  character  of  her  off- 
spring, but  also  in  establishing  such  in- 
timate and  sympathetic  relations  with 
the  child  as  will  be  of  the  greatest  assist- 
ance in  governing  him.  There  are  re- 
markable natural  attachments  and  antag- 
onisms, disregarded  by  the  stolid  and  un- 
imaginative, but  of  interest  to  people  who 
desire  to  understand  from  the  scientific 
basis,  the  origin  of  qualities. 

There  is  on  record  the  case  of  a  child, 
born  healthy  and  normal  in  all  respects, 
who  evinced  from  the  first  such  an  obsti- 
nate aversion  for  his  own  mother,  that, 
although  there  existed  in  the  opinion  of 
physician  and  attendants  no  reason  for  it, 
he  refused  to  suckle  her,  and  went  five 
days  without  food,  when  it  was  supplied 
to  him  from  a  bottle.  But  he  died  at  the 
age  of  two  months,  presumably  from  the 
effects  to  his  constitution  of  this  willful 
starvation.  The  relations  between  the 
parents  of  this  child  had  been  singularly 
unhappy,  and  the  mother  had  none  of  the 
maternal  instinct  in  her  nature. 


THE  FIRS T  DAY.  1 25 

A  nursling  has  much  more  fondness 
for  its  mother  than  a  child  who  is  denied, 
either  from  intention  or  incapacity,  this 
natural  sustenance.  And  although  we 
must  adopt  Sully 's  appellation  to  this 
sort  of  fondness,  of  "  cupboard  love," 
there  grows  out  of  it  a  more  elevated 
feeling;  a  familiar  tenderness  that  other- 
wise is  not  nearly  so  apt  to  exist. 

Our  real  and  deliberate  legislation  be- 
gins with  the  day  of  birth.  But  who 
thinks  of  it  then  ?  While  the  infant  is 
like  the  tender  petals  of  a  rose,  almost 
ethereal  in  its  delicacy,  grown  people  hold 
their  breath  in  looking  at  it,  fearful  lest 
their  utmost  tenderness  should  not  be 
gentle  enough.  They  forget  themselves, 
and  do  not  give  an  instant's  thought"  to 
their  own  peace  and  comfort  so  long  as 
the  tiny  mortal  continues  frail  and  help- 
less. The  young  mother  and  the  expe- 
rienced nurse  are  alike  in  their  anxiety, 
although  it  proceeds  in  them  from  differ- 
ent causes,  the  desire  of  the  one  being  to 
promote  the  well-being  of  the  child,  so 
far  as  she  knows  how,  and  the  other  is 
usually  instigated  by  the  wish  to  secure 


1 26  NURSE K  Y  E THICS. 

peace  and  quiet,  at  all  hazards,  for  her 
patient.  The  old  practice  of  dosing 
babies  with  catnip,  soothing-syrups,  and 
paregoric  has  now  happily  become  almost 
obsolete  in  intelligent  communities,  and 
yet  it  is  singular  how  many  absurd  notions 
survive  and  exert  an  influence.  The 
mother  should  be  well-informed,  having 
acquainted  herself  beforehand  with  the 
necessary  information  from  books  and 
from  the  advice  of  her  physician,  who,  it 
is  to  be  hoped,  will  be  possessed  of  both 
the  scientific  knowledge  and  the  humanity 
to  enlighten  her  upon  the  most  essential 
points.  But  it  is  unsafe  to  trust  entirely 
to  any  one.  Some  physicians  pay  no  at- 
tention to  a  baby  after  it  has  been  brought 
into  the  world,  but  deliver  up  the  little 
captive,  bound  and  suffering,  to  the  tender 
mercies  of  nurse  and  relatives.  If  there 
has  been  no  wish  expressed  previously 
by  the  mother — the  one  friend  who  is 
bound  to  understand  something  of  the 
situation  of  her  new-born  child — no  stip- 
ulations made  as  to  the  kind  of  treatment 
it  is  to  be  subjected  to,  there  may  be  mis- 
takes made  which  a  lifetime  cannot  undo. 


WARMTH  A  ND  REPOSE.  1 2  7 

One  case  that  I  can  never  recall  without 
pity  and  indignation  is  where  a  baby, 
making  its  entrance  into  the  world  early 
in  the  dawn  of  an  autumn  day,  was 
taken  in  hand  by  the  much-lauded  and 
trusted  professional  nurse,  a  colored 
"  Mammy  "  of  the  old  school,  and  after 
being  washed,  dressed,  and  its  head  wet 
and  hair  brushed  into  curls,  was  handed 
about  for  inspection  and  tortured  and  ex- 
cited for  a  long  time  before  being  per- 
mitted to  drop  off  into  that  deep  sleep 
which  is  the  first  necessity  of  a  young  in- 
fant. The  result  of  this  absurd  ignorance 
was  a  nervous  catarrh  which  developed 
when  the  child  was  three  days  old  and 
continued  for  years. 

The  first  two  requirements  of  an  infant 
are  warmth  and  repose.  Bathing  and  eat- 
ing should  both  be  deferred  until  after 
that  first  long  nap  by  which  nature  seeks 
to  restore  its  exhausted  vitality.  I  refer 
the  reader  to  Perez's  little  work  "The 
First  Three  Years  of  Childhood  "  for  a 
vivid  description  of  the  sufferings  of  a 
newly-born  child.  They  are  greatly  ag- 
gravated by  the  ignorance  and  thoughtless- 


!  2  8  NUKSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

ness  of  attendants,  and  there  is  no  doubt 
that  the  foundation  of  much  subsequent 
temper  and  impatience  is  laid  in  these 
early  and  unhappy  days.  I  borrow  a  sug- 
gestion from  a  little  treatise  of  an  experi- 
enced obstetrician  called  "The First  Hours 
of  Life,"  to  the  effect  that  instead  of  the 
usual  foolish,  inopportune  toilet  an  infant 
should,  on  its  entrance  into  the  world,  be 
received  in  an  apron  of  the  softest  stuff, 
and  at  once  be  laid  upon  a  bed  of  cotton- 
batting,  which  should  be  packed  about 
him  so  as  to  exclude  the  currents  of  air 
which  even  in  summer  weather  are  icy  to 
his  shrinking,  shivering  little  body.  Here 
he  should  be  allowed  to  repose  until  he 
wakes,  when  he  may  be  taken  up,  washed, 
and  dressed  as  simply  and  speedily  as  pos- 
sible, and  then  placed  upon  his  mother's 
breast  to  regain  there  something  of  the 
impression  of  that  tender  environment 
from  which  he  has  been  rudely  and  hastily 
torn.  What  handling  can  be  delicate 
enough,  what  voice  low  enough  to  temper 
itself  to  the  needs  of  these  sensitive  nerves 
against  which  the  touch  and  sounds  of 
the  outer  world  jar  with  awful  torments? 


BAD  HABITS.  129 

Alas,  that  the  first  day  of  life  should  so 
often  be  made  an  accumulation  of  horrors  ! 
And  they  leave  their  evil  effects,  too,  in 
weakened  constitutions,  in  ruined  disposi- 
tions, in  bad  habits  taught  by  injudicious 
guardians,  and  that  will  henceforth  occa- 
sion many  a  warfare  in  which  the  innocent 
party  is  sure  to  suffer  most. 

One  such  instance  is  of  a  nurse,  sup- 
posed to  be  an  exceptionally  intelligent 
woman,  putting  the  thumb  of  a  baby  a 
day  old,  into  its  mouth,  to  stop  its  crying, 
with  the  sage  remark  "  a  baby  that  will 
suck  its  thumb  is  always  a  good  baby." 
The  baby  sucked  its  thumb,  and  continued 
thereafter  to  do  so,  notwithstanding  every 
effort  made  to  break  up  the  habit,  until 
he  was  eight  years  old !  Moreover,  out 
of  this  grew  up  other  offensive  ways,  one 
of  which  was  a  desire  to  continually  have 
something  in  his  mouth,  a  craving  which 
was  instinctive  and  unconquerable.  Was 
the  child  to  blame  ?  But  in  all  the  sub- 
sequent years  when  he  was  corrected  for 
obstinate  persistence  in  these  unpleasant 
habits,  who  pardoned  him,  and  recollected 
the  nurse  ? 
9 


!  3  o  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

It  cannot  be  too  urgently  represented 
that  right  treatment  the  first  week  is  of 
the  utmost  importance  in  rearing  a  child. 
The  foundation  of  good  character  is  laid 
in  health  ;  and  bodily  comfort,  a  careful 
adjustment  to  his  novel  and  startling  sur- 
rounds is  indispensable  in  bringing  this 
about.  The  vanity  and  ostentation  of  the 
parent  which  enjoins  elaborate  toilets  and 
permits  visitors  to  handle  the  baby, 
ought  to  be  overcome  by  a  sincere  wish 
to  secure  to  the  helpless  one  quiet  and 
peace.  No  one  can  so  well  understand 
the  baby  as  its  mother,  if  she  is  permitted 
to  exercise  that  tender  solicitude  nature 
has  endowed  her  with,  and  is  freed  from 
the  well-meant  interference  of  the  friends 
and  advisers  who  cluster  about  the  cradle 
with  speculative  eyes,  and  bristle  with 
recipes  and  hobbies  the  tithe  of  which, 
if  received,  would  bring  every  infant  to 
an  untimely  grave. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

THE  MENTAL  NEEDS   OF  CHILDREN 
MUST   BE   CONSIDERED. 

"In  infancy  the  brain,  being  soft  and  warm,  is 
easily  impressed,  and  as  it  hardens  these  impressions 
are  retained."  FENELON. 

A  WISE  writer  says :  "  Patience  is  the 
first  lesson  to  teach  a  young  child  ; 
it  should  be  taught  to  wait.  Don't  give 
a  baby  what  it  wants  while  it  cries  ;  calm 
it  tenderly,  and  then  promptly  supply  its 
wants,  so  that  it  will  come  to  associate 
peace  and  quiet  with  its  enjoyments." 

The  practice  which  obtains  with  some 
nurses,  of  thrusting  a  bottle  of  milk  into 
a  crying  infant's  mouth,  or  putting  it 
hastily  to  the  mother's  breast  while  it  is 
excited  and  fretted,  is  very  likely  to  in- 
duce impatience.  At  the  same  time,  an 
infant  should  not  be  kept  waiting  unnec- 
essarily and  unreasonably.  Hunger  is  an 


1 3  2  NUKSEX  Y  E  THICS. 

exigent  instinct,  and  its  demands  ought 
to  be  satisfied,  but  with  judgment.  It 
is  surprising  that  among  educated  people 
the  practice  continues  of  "stuffing" 
babies,  of  offering  food  as  the  panacea 
for  all  discomforts.  This  is  to  convert  an 
intelligent  human  being  into  a  mere 
appetite,  inviting  and  encouraging  its 
sensual  nature  into  prominence.  Babies 
should  be  fed  regularly,  by  the  clock,  when 
they  are  awake,  through  the  day-time, 
and  only  twice  at  most,  during  the  night, 
until  the  age  of  six  months,  when  a 
healthy,  well-trained  child  will  sleep  the 
night  through,  going  probably  from  eight 
till  five  or  six  without  feeling  any  desire 
for  food.  Of  course  there  is  a  great  dif- 
ference in  this  respect  among  infants,  as  in 
all  respects  ;  yet  some  rules  are  of  general 
application,  and  the  study  of  some  little 
treatise  on  the  hygienic  treatment  of 
infants  ought  to  be  part  of  every  mother's 
preparation  for  her  duties. 

Usually  a  baby  cries  from  a  sense  of 
discomfort  which  ought  to  be  remedied 
for  him.  The  cause  of  his  fretting 
ought  always  to  be  ascertained,  with- 


SYMPA  THY.  133 

out  delay,  but  if  it  is  certain  that 
he  is  merely  willful,  the  proper  plan  is 
to  let  him  alone  until  he  is  convinced 
of  the  futility  of  rebellion.  Great  care 
must  be  exercised,  and  the  cry  of  pain 
distinguished  from  the  cry  of  temper. 
Babies  suffer  a  great  deal  during  the 
first  two  years,  and  especially  when  they 
begin  to  cut  their  teeth.  Life  then  be- 
comes one  restless,  feverish  want,  the 
desire  is  constant  to  allay  the  itching 
pain,  and  they  cast  about  in  their  help- 
less way,  for  some  substance  which  pos- 
sesses just  the  right  qualities  to  meet 
their  necessities.  Happy  the  baby  who 
at  this  juncture  is  surrounded  by  the 
judicious  care  of  an  intelligent  mother, 
who  realizes  its  needs,  both  physical  and 
mental,  and  who,  without  spoiling,  can 
give  that  sympathy  and  petting  which 
is  like  the  breath  of  life  to  sensitive 
children.  It  is  a  great  gift  to  be  able  to 
interpret  a  child's  inarticulate  murmurs. 
And  this  is  where  science  comes  in  to 
supplement  with  its  definite  knowledge 
the  fallible  ideas  coming  down  to  us  from 
tradition.  It  is  something  to  know  that 


134 


NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 


there  is  a  baby  language,  that  infants  and 
animals  commonly  understand  each  other 
better  than  grown  persons  can  under- 
stand either.  Inflections  and  gestures  are 
the  language  that  precedes  words.  The 
expressions  that  rapidly  chase  each  other 
over  a  baby's  mobile  face,  as  it  watches 
for  the  first  time  a  lighted  candle,  or 
handles  with  vague,  uncertain  touch,  a 
worsted  ball,  are  full  of  dawning  emotions 
that  are  to  be  translated  presently  into 
ideas,  which,  nevertheless,  it  cannot  ex- 
press unless  we  are  ready  to  comprehend 
its  wordless  talk.  We  are  too  neglectful 
of  our  children's  intellects  while  they  are 
still  in  the  cradle.  The  great  advantage 
of  training  them  thus  early  through  the 
use  of  their  sense-perceptions  is  one  of 
the  most  earnest  doctrines  of  Frcebel, 
whose  system  does  not  embrace  as  is 
supposed  by  many,  only  the  teaching 
carried  on  in  the  kindergarten,  but  that 
more  important  teaching  of  the  mother 
in  the  home  nursery,  where,  hanging  over 
the  cradle,  she  studies  the  awakening  in- 
telligence of  her  child  and  seizes  the  right 
moment  to  satisfy,  by  supplying  some  ap 


SILENT  CARE.  135 

propriate  object,  its  desire  to  investigate. 
The  room  where  an  infant  lies,  however 
plain,  must  be  like  a  great,  glittering  fair, 
where  forms  and  colors  melt  into  an  un- 
distinguishable  mass.  It  fixes  its  eyes 
on  some  bright  object  and  stares  intently  ; 
stretches  out  its  hands  to  grasp,  and  is 
disappointed ;  and  through  this  comes 
the  first  idea  of  space,  of  distance.  But 
disappointment  is  the  law  of  life  to  this 
helpless  little  creature,  unable  to  reach 
the  objects  of  its  desire.  And  how  sel- 
dom it  is  helped.  When  we  will  bear  in 
mind  that  babies  need  something  to  in- 
terest them,  something  to  satisfy  their 
mental  craving,  which  is  imperative,  they 
will  be  better-tempered  and  more  of  a 
comfort  to  themselves  and  other  people. 

Our  little  ones  ought  to  be  the  sub- 
jects of  a  care  as  vigilant  as  we  can  give, 
but  it  should  be  silent  and  watchful,  not 
effusive.  I  was  the  pleased  witness  the 
other  day,  in  a  train,  of  the  gambols  of 
a  fourteen  months'  old  baby  girl.  There 
was  no  attitude,  save  standing  on  her 
head,  which  she  did  not  take  within  the 
space  of  ten  minutes.  With  her  mother's 


1 36  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

arm  about  her,  simply  to  protect,  not  to 
restrain,  she  climbed  about  the  seat, 
twisted,  writhed,  flung  out  arms  and  legs 
and  head,  and  frolicked  to  her  heart's  con- 
tent. The  mother  was  meanwhile  talk- 
ing to  a  friend  on  the  opposite  seat, 
unconcerned  by  the  little  one's  incessant 
activity,  although  her  arms  must  have 
ached.  The  baby's  face  was  full  of  char- 
acter and  sweetness,  and  she  seemed  to 
have  an  excessive  fondness  for  her 
mother,  flinging  herself  back  into  her  arms 
every  few  minutes  and  laughingly  trying  to 
pat  her  face.  When  she  was  tired  of  play 
she  nestled  her  head  down  on  that  patient 
mother's  arm  and  rested  quietly.  Almost 
any  nurse  would  have  been  incessantly 
admonishing  and  cajoling  and  threatening 
a  baby  of  this  active  disposition,  and 
thereby  have  excited  fretfulness.  Few, 
even  among  mothers,  would  have  endured 
to  be  the  subject  of  amused  observation 
on  the  part  of  all  the  other  persons  in  the 
car.  I  deemed  her,  in  my  heart,  a  wise 
woman,  who  valued  the  welfare  of  her 
child  more  than  the  opinion  of  the  world. 
It  is  generally  easier  to  sacrifice  one's  ease 


NA  UGHTINESS. 


'37 


and  comfort  than  to  endure  the  conse- 
quences of  going  contrary  to  common 
usage.  And  the  common  usage  is  to 
make  automatons  of  children  in  public. 
Their  innocent,  unconventional  questions 
are  hushed,  their  curiosity  about  new 
scenes  and  objects  suppressed,  for  fear  of 
exciting  remark  or  offending  some  preju- 
dice. Now,  it  is  inevitable  that  the  ac- 
tivity of  a  child  should  have  vent ;  if 
quenched  in  one  direction  it  will  breakout 
in  another.  If  natural,  innocent  curiosity 
is  denied  expression  there  will  be  the  fret- 
fulness  of  a  disappointed  faculty.  There  is 
no  doubt  but  that  a  large  part  of  the 
naughtiness  of  children  does  not  begin  as 
naughtiness,  but  is  converted  into  it  by  in- 
judicious treatment.  We  have  no  just  con- 
ception of  how  constantly  we  balk  their 
harmless  wishes.  Who  can  estimate  the 
grief  and  wrath  that  swells  a  baby's  breast 
when  he  is  snatched  without  warning  from 
a  fascinating  play  in  the  sand,  or  even 
mud,  whither  he  has  crept  while  his 
guardians  are  looking  elsewhere  ?  Yester- 
day I  saw  a  toddling  mite,  in  the  out- 
skirts of  the  city,  stamping  with  his  feet 


1 38  NUKSER  Y  E  TfflCS. 

some  clay  on  the  path,  and  making,  per- 
haps,  fairy  figures,  full  of  poetic  fancies  ; 
happy,  dirty,  and  engaged  in  learning,  in 
his  own  way,  something  that  vastly  inter- 
ested him.  His  brothers  and  sisters  were 
playing  also  in  the  garden,  when  one  of 
them,  suddenly  noticing  the  baby's  occu- 
pation, jerked  him  about  with  a  harsh  re- 
proof, and  carried  him  off  to  a  distance, 
from  no  sensible  motive,  surely,  since  he 
was  already  as  dirty  as  he  could  get,  but 
apparently  following  that  thoughtless 
habit,  indulged  in  by  grown  people,  of 
treating  little  ones  as  automatons,  twitched 
here  and  there,  and  kept  in  certain  posi- 
tions, without  regard  to  their  own  wishes. 
If  refined  parents  object  to  their  chil- 
dren's playing  in  mud — as  they  will,  of 
course — let  them  provide  clay  and  sand, 
spread  on  boards,  put  aprons  on  their 
babies,  give  them  toy  shovels,  and  let 
them  be  happy  within  reasonable  bounds. 
The  point  is  not  so  much  the  permitting 
some  one  occupation  on  which  a  child  has 
set  his  heart,  as  the  taking  care  not  to 
thwart  unnecessarily  his  natural  impulses. 
Much  of  the  naughtiness  of  our  children 


NATURE  A   TEACHER.  139 

comes  from  the  artificial  lives  we  make 
them  lead.  We  substitute  our  own  ma- 
ture, educated  tastes  for  their  simple,  in- 
fantile ideas,  and  so  force  them  too  early 
away  from  childhood.  We  make  them 
skip  many  of  the  stages  in  the  natural 
order  of  evolution  between  infancy  and 
maturity.  And  very  often,  if  we  were 
suddenly  confronted  in  the  midst  of  some 
difficulties  with  our  children,  by  the  stern 
inquiry  into  motive,  we  should  be  con- 
founded to  find  out  that  we  are  correcting 
them  not  nearly  so  much  for  being  bad 
as  for  not  being  what  we  prefer  to  have 
them. 

Nature  is  a  much  better  teacher  than 
the  most  careful  parent,  for  she  teaches 
what  must  be  learned  :  that  which  is  es- 
sential to  living.  And  one  of  her  earliest 
lessons  is  patience.  Animals  possess  this 
trait ;  and  infants  have  it  until  they  are 
educated  out  of  it.  Modern  civilization, 
with  its  roar  of  machinery,  its  terrible 
wearing  competitions,  and  over  mental 
stimulations,  brings  disease  to  the  nerves 
of  the  majority  of  men  and  women.  They 
are  impatient  because  they  want  things 


1 40  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

to  move  faster — faster.  In  their  house- 
holds women  often  move  about  frantic- 
ally, rushing  up  and  downstairs,  speaking 
hurriedly,  and  giving  themselves  no  time 
to  reflect  or  to  study  the  laws  of  that  life 
they  abuse. 

It  is  no  wonder  they  imbue  their  babies 
with  the  spirit  of  impatience.  It  is  ex- 
pressed in  their  own  movements,  voices, 
and  faces,  and  infants  imitate  it.  Nothing 
is  more  contagious  than  discontent,  and 
when  children  feel  in  the  atmosphere  a 
want  of  cheerfulness  they  become  cross 
and  fretful  themselves.  The  first  im- 
pression a  baby  ought  to  receive  is  that 
of  peace.  Let  him  feel  that  he  has  en- 
tered a  realm  of  order  and  serenity, 
where  all  claims  receive  attention  in  their 
turn.  Young  and  inexperienced  mothers 
are  apt  to  experiment  too  much;  they 
try  the  effect  of  this  and  of  that,  and  their 
zeal  allows  no  intervals  of  that  judicious 
letting  alone  that  is  necessary  for  the 
healthy  growth  of  the  little  ones.  Babies 
are  very  differently  constituted  in  this 
regard,  but  I  have  never  seen  a  baby  so 
placid  but  that  it  could  be  trained  into 


SELF-DENIAL.  141 

habits  of  fretting  by  being  constantly 
"  fussed  over "  and  waited  upon.  It  is 
often  observed  that  the  children  of  decent 
poor  people,  who  are  left  to  themselves 
for  long  hours  while  their  parents  are  at 
work,  are  docile  and  patient.  They  have 
learned  to  submit  to  the  inevitable,  to 
realize  that  there  are  other  claims  before 
which  theirs  must,  for  the  time  being,  give 
way.  And,  other  things  being  equal,  this 
is  a  primary  good,  for  the  time  comes  to 
all  when  duty  lies  not  in  action  but  in 
patient  waiting  upon  circumstances,  and 
happy,  then,  is  he  who  can  wait  with  ease. 
"  If,"  said  Sir  Isaac  Newton,  "  I  in  any 
way  excel  other  men,  it  is  in  the  power 
of  patient  thought." 

But  it  is  not  right  to  "  try  "  the  en- 
durance of  our  little  ones  for  the  sake  of 
experiment.  There  should  be  just  so 
much  denial  as  is  necessary,  and  no  more. 
The  mother  who  makes  her  baby  the 
tyrant  of  the  house,  invading  with  his 
personality  every  room  in  it,  driving  the 
father  to  his  "  den  "  for  refuge,  and  tiring 
relatives  and  friends  with  the  reiterations 
of  her  solicitudes,  is  not  more  wrong  than 


142 


NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 


the  mother  who,  making  quiet  the  great 
object  of  life,  suppresses  her  child's  rest- 
lessness by  inattention,  and  calmly  goes 
her  way  regardless  of  his  wants.  Rest- 
lessness should  not  be  mistaken  for  fret- 
fulness,  as  it  sometimes  is,  for  while  the 
latter  must  be  dealt  with  as  a  fault,  the 
former  is  an  indication  of  uneasiness, 
either  mental  or  physical.  Children  are, 
in  a  sense,  prisoners,  and  during  the  first 
two  years  they  endure  probably  more 
hardship  in  the  way  of  denial  than  any 
parent  would  willingly  inflict  if  he  fully 
comprehended  their  position.  It  is  not 
so  much  that  there  are  restraints,  for  it  is 
proper  that  there  should  be,  but  that 
the  restraints  are  artificial  :  related,  not 
to  that  natural  order  of  development  of 
which  we  have  spoken,  but  to  the  con- 
ventional idea  of  making  children  dainty 
toys,  "  prettily-behaved  "  creatures  shin- 
ing with  a  surface  polish,  and  smooth  to 
the  touch,  however  rough  and  inharmo- 
nious within.  We  fail,  and  deserve  to  fail, 
in  rearing  our  children  creditably,  while 
we  make  "  behavior "  and  not  virtue, 
the  object  of  our  training.  There  could 


LOVE  AND  TRUST.  143 

be  no  greater  proof  of  the  sublime  truth 
and  beauty  of  that  instinct  which  ex- 
presses itself  in  the  religious  feeling,  than 
that  persons  in  whom  this  instinct  is 
strong  and  unperverted,  exert  a  deep  and 
permanent  influence  over  children.  It  is 
not  creed,  formulas,  and  ceremonies,  not 
prayers,  not  exhortings,  which  arouse  their 
reverence  and  sympathy,  but  the  exhibi- 
tion of  the  spirit  of  faith,  of  enthusiastic 
love  for  the  "  eternal  verities "  which 
lifts  all  hearts  capable  of  pure  emotion 
into  that  region  where  virtue  and  inno- 
cence dwell.  So  unerring  is  a  child's  in- 
stinct that  I  doubt  whether  all  the  para- 
phernalia of  a  cathedral  could  impress  him 
so  deeply  as  the  fall  of  a  simple  word — 
the  fleeting  gleam  of  a  beauteously  holy 
feeling  mirrored  in  the  eyes  of  a  gentle 
teacher,  and  which  reveals  in  an  instant 
to  his  delicate  sensibilities  the  existence 
of  a  soul  deserving  his  love  and  trust.  A 
child  is  the  true  idealist ;  something  of 
the  grace  of  that  concordant  movement 
which  underlies  all  the  springs  of  our 
outward  life,  reveals  itself  to  him,  and  it 
is  through  our  understanding  of  this 


1 44  NURSE R  Y  £  THICS. 

poetic  susceptibility  that  we  gain  the 
power  to  minister  to  the  needs  of  his 
moral  nature.  A  formalist  is  merely 
a  ridiculous  object  to  a  child ;  he  sees 
through  the  posturing  and  despises 
without  comprehending,  the  hypocrisy. 
All  our  little,  half-conscious  pretenses 
greatly  lower  us  in  these  pure,  far-seeing 
eyes ;  but  a  breath  of  skepticism,  of  that 
contemptuous  disbelief  in  virtue  and 
truth  which  abounds  at  table  and  hearth, 
and  is  the  outcome  of  hard,  embittering 
experience,  is  a  withering  pestilence  to  a 
child's  heart.  Let  him  believe  and  trust, 
let  him  retain  his  faith  in  human  nature, 
and  accredit  goodness  to  his  companions 
as  long  as  he  can.  The  less  the  child 
knows  of  evil  the  safer  he  is,  for  we  find 
what  .we  look  for. 

So  worldliness,  even  in  the  smaller  meas- 
ure of  observance  of  the  little  details  of 
etiquette  and  dress,  ought  to  be  resolutely 
kept  in  the  background  of  a  child's 
thoughts.  He  should  be  taught  to  please, 
not  that  he  may  attract,  but  from  the 
higher  motive  of  doing  good.  How  much 
more  delightful  is  the  child  who  springs 


MANNERS.  145 

up  voluntarily  to  bring  a  glass  of  water 
to  a  weary  guest,  even  though  he  blunder- 
ingly spills  it,  than  the  "  little  lady  "  who 
sits  gracefully  and  docilely  on  her  chair,  in 
a  trained  attitude,  and  with  all  her  native 
spantaneity  lost  in  "manner."  But  these 
are  matters  that  depend  on  the  parents' 
inner  sense.  They  who  sacrifice  to  Moloch 
will  offer  up  their  children's  characters, 
and  think  they  are  doing  their  duty 
to  the  world.  The  children  are  the 
sufferers,  and  they  revenge  themselves  on 
the  next  generation.  The  vacuity  that  is 
like  a  disease  among  a  certain  class  re- 
sults from  the  suppression  of  natural  ac- 
tivities in  their  forefathers.  Patience — 
the  patience  that  is  so  laudable  and  useful 
— is  not  passiveness,  but  the  conscious  de- 
ferring of  gratification.  To  prevent  that 
indefinite  deferring  of  hope  which,  as 
the  proverb  says,  "  maketh  the  heart  sick," 
there  must  be  a  certain  dwelling  of  the 
mind  on  other  things,  nearer,  and  which 
supply  the  place,  temporarily,  of  the  thing 
desired.  To  make  clear  the  application  of 
this  principle  to  children,  I  would  say  that 
they  should  never  be  condemned,  if  it 


!  46  NURSE K  Y  E  THICS. 

can  be  avoided,  to  wait  for  something  an 
indefinite  time.  They  should  be  shown 
that  what  we  intend  to  give  them  is  com- 
ing, that  we  do  not  wish  to  torment  them 
but  merely  that  they  are  subject  to  the 
law  of  necessity. 

What  makes  the  difference  between 
the  baby  who  screams  and  kicks  while  his 
milk  is  being  prepared  and  the  one  who, 
equally  hungry,  "  coos  "  and  stretches  out 
eagerly  but  has  strength  of  mind  to  wait 
his  time?  Without  doubt  the  difference 
in  the  ways  of  his  guardians.  A  gentle 
and  deliberate  manner  has  great  influence 
with  a  peevish  child.  A  noisy,  bustling 
activity,  accompanied  as  it  often  is  by 
many  loud  reassurances  and  promises, 
has  a  bad  effect.  There  are  people  who 
say  that  babies  yell  from  "  sheer  natural 
depravity,"  but  I  cannot  help  saying  that 
the  depravity  of  the  child  is  only  the 
foolishness  of  the  parent.  Nervous  par- 
ents, to  whom  an  infant's  shrill  cry  is  like 
the  prick  of  a  pin,  will  make  unreasonable 
exertions  to  sooth  it  into  quiet.  They 
will  supply  it  with  such  counter-excite- 
ments as  jumping,  walking  the  floor  with 


NOT  NOISE  BUT  REST.  147 

it,  and  attracting  its  attention  by  uncouth 
noises.  This  is  something  like  the  prac- 
tice of  the  savage  "  medicine  men"  who 
endeavor  to  cure  their  patients  by  beat- 
ing iron  pans. 

I  have  witnessed  scenes  where  parents^ 
grandparents,  and  nurse,  have  vied  with 
each  other  in  creating  confusion,  blowing 
horns,  springing  rattles,  singing,  playing 
frog,  and  dancing,  before  the  outraged 
eyes  and  ears  of  a  fretting  baby,  who,  after 
an  amazed  stare,  would  throw  himself 
back  after  each  successive  performance, 
with  a  fresh  fit  of  crying  !  Common 
sense  would  have  dictated  that  when  a 
child's  nerves  are  in  an  irritable  condition, 
what  he  needs  is  not  noise  and  amuse- 
ment, but  rest.  A  glare  of  light,  particu- 
larly gas-light,  is  decidedly  injurious. 
Sometimes  a  change  of  scene,  the  taking 
a  child,  well  wrapped  up,  into  another 
room,  a  little  cooler  and  darker,  will  exert 
a  beneficial  effect.  If  there  is  reason  to 
suspect  some  physical  ailment  that  a  warm 
bath  will  relieve,  that  should  be  tried, 
even  if  the  extra  service  is  troublesome 
and  unusual.  Babies  must  be  treated,  in 


!  48  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

a  measure,  like  patients,  for  nearly  all  their 
tempers  arise  from  physical  discomfort 
and  the  impossibility  of  making  themselves 
understood.  And  the  rest  must  be  con- 
sidered due  to  injudicious  management. 
There  is  too  much  variability  and  uncer- 
tainty in  the  nursery,  and  too  little  consid- 
eration given  to  the  fact  that  no  indulg- 
ence should  be  begun  which  cannot  be 
continued.  The  youngest  child  is  able  to 
appreciate  consistency.  The  second  week 
he  cries  for  exactly  the  same  treatment 
he  received  during  the  first.  There  is 
something  of  cruelty  in  petting  and  ador- 
ing the  new-comer  while  he  is  a  novelty, 
and  then  relapsing  into  comparative  in- 
difference. The  first  baby  in  a  family  is 
a  comic  opera,  and  all  view  and  applaud 
him;  rush  to  wait  upon  him  until  it  be- 
comes tiresome  and  then,  without  any  re- 
gard to  the  effect  upon  his  feelings,  they 
begin  trying  to  undo  this  spoiling,  caus- 
ing unnecessary  suffering  to  the  child  and 
to  themselves.  All  the  while  it  was  being 
made  the  prime  object  of  consideration 
that  wonderful  little  brain  was  learning  to 
take  account  of  its  surroundings  and  to 


FIRST  IMPRESSIONS.  149 

occupy  the  place  yielded  to  it,  so  that,  by 
the  time  its  guardians  awakened  to  a  sense 
of  its  identity,  it  had  discovered  that  its 
cry  is  the  powerful  lever  that  moves  the 
world. 

Even  we  hardened  citizens  of  the  world 
know  how  forcible  is  a  first  impression. 
With  us  reason  modifies  and  corrects  it. 
But  infants  do  not  reason ;  they  merely 
perceive  things  in  immediate  relations. 
The  first  effect  of  a  cause  they  conjoin 
to  it,  and  thereafter  the  two  make  an 
idea.  If  they  cry  vehemently  and  get  in- 
stantly what  they  want,  while  a  more 
moderate  grumbling  does  not  bring  it,  they 
learn  to  attract  notice  by  screaming.  No 
reproach  can  attach  to  such  manifestly 
natural  conduct.  Herein  one  perceives 
how  necessary  it  is  that  the  nurse,  or  who- 
ever has  the  management  of  the  child 
during  the  first  few  weeks,  should  have  a 
wisdom  beyond  the  mere  knowing  how  to 
bathe  and  dress  him.  She  should  under- 
stand that  her  actions  now  have  much 
more  than  a  temporary  importance  and 
that  carelessness  or  ignorance  will  be 
fatal.  How  few  persons  are  able  to  weigh 


!  5o  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

well  the  consequences  of  their  conduct 
at  this  period.  Commonly,  everything  is 
sacrificed  to  the  nearest  good :  the  future 
is  left  to  take  care  of  itself.  It  is  singular 
that  when  a  baby  cries  the  first  thought 
ordinarily  is — not  what  is  the  meaning  of 
the  cry,  what  does  he  need,  but — how  to 
hush  him.  If  it  breaks  out  in  the  middle 
of  the  night,  he  will  be  rocked,  walked  up 
and  down,  or  some  attempt  made  to 
amuse  him,  thus  establishing  a  precedent, 
unhappy  for  all  parties.  Or  perhaps  he 
will  be  treated  roughly  by  a  tired,  irritated 
parent  who  cannot  "  see  the  sense  of  the 
child's  making  a  racket." 

In  truth,  no  child  "  makes  a  racket  " 
until  it  has  been  taught  to  do  so  either 
by  neglect  or  over-indulgence.  We  must 
recollect  that  a  certain  amount  of  crying 
is  necessary  to  young  children.  It  helps 
them  to  bear  discomfort,  and  is  the  natural 
outlet  to  their  feelings.  But  babies  can 
be  trained  to  cry  softly.  They  will  never 
learn  to  be  violent  if  they  are  treated 
with  calm  kindness.  "  Those  children 
only  learn  to  carry  their  point  by  noisy 
and  violent  demonstration  who  find,  by 


A  NEW  LEAF.  151 

long  experience,  that  such  measures  are 
usually  successful.  A  child  even  who  has 
become  accustomed  to  them  will  soon 
drop  them  if  he  finds,  owing  to  a  change 
of  management,  that  they  will  never  suc- 
ceed." 

I  incline  to  think,  however,  that  this  last 
sentence  is  somewhat  too  sanguine.  It  is 
not  easy  to  undo  the  effects  of  bad  man- 
agement, particularly  if  the  attempt  is 
made  under  the  old  existing  conditions. 
Some  parents  think  they  have  only  to  say 
to  a  child,  "  You  are  not  going  to  be 
spoiled  any  longer ;  I  am  going  to  turn 
over  a  new  leaf  with  you  now,  and  you 
must  behave."  What  impression  does 
this  vague  threat  convey  to  a  child's 
mind  ?  None.  Or,  at  most,  merely  that 
his  parent,  being  cross,  wants  to  make 
an  alteration  somewhere,  without  exactly 
knowing  where,  or  how  to  do  it.  In  many 
instances  this  is  the  truth.  For,  as  most 
unfortunately  often  happens,  the  parent 
finds  it  impossible  to  change  his  own 
habits  and  live  up  to  his  reformed  plan, 
so  that,  as  it  proves,  his  words  have  been 
mere  windy  gusts,  having  no  result  save 


1 5  2  MURSEK  Y  £  THICS. 

that  of  creating  a  certain  distrust  of  his 
intentions. 

Abbott  wisely  cautions  :  "  If  children 
have  become  insubordinate,  do  not  expect 
sudden  reformation,  and  do  not  warn  them 
that  a  change  of  management  is  coming  ; 
let  it  come  gradually  and  gently."  But 
this  pre-supposes  unusual  self-command 
in  the  parents,  and  those  parents  whose 
management  has  been  faulty  of  course 
have  little  faculty  of  self-command.  It  is 
harder  to  reform  parents  than  children. 
Sometimes  sending  a  rebellious  child  away 
with  a  judicious  relative  or  friend,  for 
a  short  time,  effects  a  most  beneficial 
change.  Amid  entirely  new  scenes,  and 
with  the  old  associations  gone,  he  learns  to 
submit  himself  to  new  regulations,  and  if 
upon  his  return  home  he  finds  that  a  wiser 
government  obtains  than  existed  before, 
it  seems  more  natural  and  agreeable  than 
if  the  change  came  as  a  sudden  surprise. 

Just  here,  however,  it  may  be  well  to 
observe  that  surprise  is  an  element  in  wise 
training.  The  sudden  substituting  new 
objects  of  attention,  and  new  methods  of 
correction  is  of  use,  particularly  with  a 


COMPANIONSHIPS.  153 

lively,  imaginative  child.  Such  an  one 
usually  gives  trouble,  partly  from  his  ten- 
dency to  tire  readily  of  accustomed  things, 
and  to  be  subject  to  ennui  when  re- 
strained. This  disease  of  childhood  is 
generally  ignored,  but  it  is  very  real,  and 
unpleasant.  Isolation  and  enforced  quiet 
aggravate  the  disorder,  which  demands 
the  corrective  of  agreeable  activity  and 
of  companionship.  It  is  not  good  for 
children  to  be  much  alone,  nor  to  be 
chiefly  with  grown  persons.  There  is  al- 
most sure  to  be  thus  developed  precocity 
of  intellect  at  the  expense  of  character. 
It  is  wise  for  a  parent  to  mingle  with  the 
sports  of  her  child,  but  permit  him  to 
bring  in  other  children.  She  may  then 
watch  him  to  the  best  advantage,  and 
without  interfering  with  his  harmless 
sports.  There  are  some  persons  who 
merely  play  with  children  to  amuse  them- 
selves, to  pass  a  chance  idle  hour,  and 
having  no  sense  of  moral  responsibility, 
they  "  draw  out,"  the  little  one's  oddities 
and  then  laugh  at  them.  From  such 
tormentors  there  ought  to  be  protection. 
Nothing  is  more  reprehensible  than  the 


!  s  4  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

practice  of  teasing  children.  It  does  not 
make  them  less  sensitive  or  more  reason- 
able, and  it  does  spoil  their  tempers  com- 
pletely. An  old  Eastern  proverb  says : 
"  It  is  dangerous  to  jest  with  children." 
They  take  everything  literally  and  think 
us  deliberately  unkind.  The  inevitable 
has  lessons  enough  for  them  if  we  do  not 
interfere,  and  all  our  training  should  tend 
toward  strengthening  their  moral  char- 
acter without  blunting  their  sensibilities. 
It  is  for  their  good,  not  that  parents  may 
be  quiet  and  comfortable,  that  children 
should  be  trained  to  patience.  It  is  the  first 
step  of  that  self-government  they  should 
begin  to  exercise  as  early  as  possible. 
Many  children  in  poor  homes  bear  early 
the  heavy  burdens  which  crush  all  the 
romance  out  of  their  lives  and  to  them 
endurance  means  ceaseless  pain  with  no 
rainbow  of  promise  in  the  beyond.  And 
yet,  even  out  of  these  hard  conditions, 
emerge  sometimes  the  heroes  of  the  world. 
But  the  risk  is  not  one  to  be  chosen.  In 
teaching  our  children  fortitude  we  want 
to  make  use  of  those  happenings  which 
constantly  present  themselves,  ready  to 


HOPEFULNESS.  155 

be  turned  to  the  right  account.  Let  them 
be  bright  and  merry  and  get  all  the  fun 
they  can,  for  good-humor  comes  of  health- 
ful activity,  and  without  this  self-control 
is  impossible.  When  they  have  come  to 
be  able  to  acquiesce  in  what  they  do  not 
like  because  it  is  best,  and  to  please  those 
they  love,  they  have  attained  to  a  height 
of  moral  power  that  never  could  have  been 
climbed  had  we  made  the  matter  one  of 
coercion,  and  forcibly  led  them  along 
each  step. 

I  have  in  mind  at  this  moment  a  little 
boy,  not  a  dozen  years  old,  whose  fine 
mind  is  constantly  hampered  in  its  ac- 
tivity by  his  frail  health.  He  has  repeat- 
edly been  taken  from  school,  and  his 
ambitious  efforts  baulked,  but  his  hope- 
fulness never  fails,  and  he  is  buoyant  and 
light-hearted  in  all  the  enforced  intervals 
of  the  work  he  loves,  with  a  cheerful 
acquiescence  in  present  deprivation  and 
confidence  in  the  future. 

This  power  of  waiting  for  the  good 
momentarily  denied  is  the  basis  of  fine 
character.  It  is  a  sort  of  spiritual  flexi- 
bility that,  like  finger  flexibility,  must  be 


!  56  A'UXSEK  y  £  THICS. 

developed  early  in  life.  And  its  presence 
then  is  most  charming  because  unexpected. 
What  pleasure  is  imparted  to  a  company 
by  the  entrance  of  a  little  one  whose  be- 
havior is  dictated  by  a  well-balanced 
sense  of  the  rights  of  other  people  and  of 
his  own.  He  is  neither  bashful  nor  for- 
ward. He  accepts  notice  contentedly,  and 
if  it  is  delayed  he  can  wait. 

The  only  way  of  imbuing  our  children 
with  feelings  of  consideration  for  others 
is  by  treating  them  sympathetically. 
They  learn  the  rights  of  other  people 
through  having  their  own  respected.  Has 
not  every  one  observed  how,  in  their  play 
of  "  school  "  and  their  "  mothering  " 
plays,  they  imitate  the  management  they 
have  received?  Go  among  the  poorer 
and  more  ignorant  classes  and  you  will 
find  on  the  door-step  a  mere  baby  with 
threatening  brow  and  stick  upraised  to 
beat  her  companions,  all  in  play.  As 
Richter  says  :  "  Among  the  people  the 
blows  of  fate  on  the  parents  usually  beget, 
as  in  a  stormy  sky,  retaliating  blows  on 
the  children."  And  they  pass  it  on — if 
only  to  their  cat  or  their  doll. 


NATIVE  SWEETNESS.  157 

We  must  enter  into  the  feelings  of  our 
children  and  divine  the  moment  when 
good  impulses  are  at  work.  As  they 
grow  older  put  it  into  their  power  to 
exercise  the  grace  of  concession.  Few 
children  will  refuse  if  they  are  left  to  their 
own  option.  For  there  is  a  native  sweet- 
ness about  childhood  that  makes  a  certain 
serious,  gentle  patience  the  quaint  expres- 
sion of  their  love  for  the  elders  who 
understand  them  and  labor  for  their 
welfare. 


CHAPTER  X. 

DEALING  WITH   LITTLE  FAULTS. 

"  Don't  aim  at  controlling  every  detail  of  a  child's 
life  ;  leave  him  liberty  in  small  things." — Spencer. 

V\7HILE  children  are  small,  during, 
probably,  the  first  dozen  years  of 
their  lives,  they  must  feel  that  there  is  an 
authority  vested  in  their  parents  which  is 
incontestable.  And  that  this  may  be 
accomplished  it  is  absolutely  essential  that 
the  parents  shall  have  from  the  beginning 
a  clear  idea  of  what  they  want,  and  the 
way  to  attain  it.  Many  parents  live  in 
this  respect  "  from  hand  to  mouth,"  not 
knowing  from  one  day  to  another  what 
their  requirements  will  be,  and  leaving  to 
chance  the  unfolding  of  the  young  natures 
which  ought  to  be  trained  and  tended 
with  the  nicest  prevision  of  consequences. 
Of  late  years,  since  the  scientific  study  of 


PARENTHOOD  A  PROFESSION.       159 

human  nature  has  begun  to  receive  some 
attention,  there  has  grown  up  among 
educators,  a  sense  of  the  importance  of 
understanding  the  laws  of  development 
and  of  adjusting  their  instructions  accord- 
ingly. But  this  knowledge  is  as  yet 
confined  to  the  small  class  of  earnest, 
thoughtful  people  who  make  the  educa- 
tion of  the  young  an  art  as  well  as  a  pro- 
fession. Few  parents  interpret  their 
responsibilities  so  broadly  as  to  feel  it 
incumbent  upon  themselves  to  understand 
physiology,  and  mental  and  moral  science 
in  its  application  to  the  training  of  their 
children.  Yet  only  through  such  knowl- 
edge can  there  be  made  out  a  plan,  a 
formula,  conformity  to  which  shall  save 
us  from  that  "  hap-hazard  "  government 
that  obtains  in  ill-regulated  households. 
Parenthood  is  already  looked  upon  by 
the  more  advanced  minds  as  a  profession  : 
the  time  must  come  when  its  duties  will 
be  reduced  to  an  exact  science,  ignorance 
of  which  will  be  inexcusable  ;  as  it  is  even 
now  deplorable.  But  the  march  of 
science  has  always  encountered  at  every 
turn  the  dead  wall  of  prejudice,  which  in 


1 60  NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 

this  place  takes  the  form  of  that  vast  self- 
love  that  makes  a  parent  consider  his 
children  but  an  exterior  portion  of  his  own 
personality,  and  as  long  as  this  idea  has 
firm  hold  in  his  mind  he  cannot  compre- 
hend his  obligations,  nor  conceive  that  he 
is  but  the  connecting  link  between  his 
child  and  society,  and  that  his  duty  is 
to  protect  and  educate,  not  to  re-create. 
When  a  child  is  born  there  already  exists 
within  him  the  germ  of  all  he  is  to  be. 
Nothing  can  be  added  or  taken  away. 
"  I,"  said  the  tiny  philosopher  when  ques- 
tioned, "  am  the  thing  that  makes  a 
man  !  " 

The  great  object  of  government,  then, 
is  the  evolution  of  the  individual ;  the 
gradually  lifting  a  child  out  of  his  position 
of  helplessness  and  dependence  into  the 
position  of  self-sustaining  manhood  or 
womanhood.  The  same  law  ruling  the 
culture  of  all  species  of  plants  and  ani- 
mals is  applicable  to  child-culture.  The 
suppression  of  undesirable  traits  comes 
about  chiefly  through  the  strengthening 
desirable  traits,  thus  diverting  energy 
from  activities  that  are  hurtful  to  such  as 


THE  CHILD'S  WILL.  161 

are  beneficial.  How  much  friction  would 
be  done  away  with  if  this  simple  rule — 
the  law  of  evolution  in  a  word — were  but 
constantly  borne  in  mind  ! 

Self-will, — the  persistency  in  some  sort 
of  action  that  has  been  begun — is  usually 
more  or  less  mechanical.  The  child  con- 
tinues what  he  has  not  power  to  stop  do- 
ing simply  because  his  will  is  weak,  and 
his  impulse  masters  it.  Unreason  is  but 
a  lesser  insanity,  and  the  way  to  deal  with 
it  is  by  exercising  the  magnetism  which 
a  sane  mind,  keeping  itself  calm  and  cool, 
can  always  exert.  A  serene,  cheerful 
person,  an  embodiment  of  reserved 
power,  has  no  difficulty  in  controlling 
angry  children,  because  he  presents  to 
their  minds  the  appearance  of  something 
more  agreeable  than  anger,  thus  arousing 
their  desire  to  emulate,  and  this  desire, 
opposing  itself  to  the  impulse  of  anger, 
weakens  the  force  of  that  emotion. 

This  should  suggest  the  propriety  of 
strengthening  the  child's  will,  which  is 
the  power  of  voluntary  choice,  by  so  in- 
vesting right  actions  with  delightful  asso- 
ciations, that  he  will  choose  them  of  his 
ii 


j  62  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

own  accord.  Thus  he  will  learn  to  over- 
come for  himself  the  temptation  toward 
acts  essentially  evil,  because  they  will 
bring  less  pleasure  than  acts  of  a  higher 
character.  This  impression  must  of 
course  be  aided  by  the  association  of  pain 
and  discomfort  with  wrong-doing.  But 
as  far  as  possible  the  pain  ought  to  seem 
intrinsic  to  the  act.  A  parental  command 
should  seem  to  have  reason  in  it,  and  dis- 
obedience should  bring  discomfort,  be- 
cause that  which  was  prohibited  was 
harmful  in  itself.  The  ordinary  custom 
is  to  offset  the  attractions  of  self-will  by 
making  merely  the  disobedience  painful, 
and  while  this  may  serve  as  a  deterrent 
for  the  time  being,  while  the  child  is  un- 
der authority,  it  misses  the  real  point, 
which  is  to  teach  him  that  a  certain  sort 
of  conduct  is  bad.  Not  infrequently  one 
hears  the  muttered  threat  of  a  child, 
baffled  in  the  instant  of  desire  by  the 
harsh  force  of  an  arbitrary  command. 
"  Wait  till  I  am  grown  up — won't  I  do  it 
then  !  "  And  very  probably  he  does. 
Of  what  use,  in  such  a  case,  has  been  his 
youthful  education  ?  Merely  to  suppress, 


ENCOURAGE  VIRTUE.  163 

for  the  comfort  of  his  family,  tendencies 
that  break  out  in  after  life  to  bring  dis- 
comfort to  a  whole  community. 

Obedience  has  no  reason  for  being  ex- 
cept where  a  command  is  justifiable.  In 
cases  where  there  is  no  equitable  imped- 
iment to  a  child's  taking  his  own  way,  he 
ought  not  to  be  prevented  merely  to  edu. 
cate  him  in  submission — that  is  to  gratify 
the  self-love  of  parents.  How  much  more 
just  and  kind  it  is  to  make  obedience  at- 
tractive, not  so  much  by  the  offer  of 
gifts  and  rewards,  although  they  have 
their  uses,  as  by  taking  away  some  of  its 
preventive  character  and  making  it  ap- 
parently spontaneous.  It  could  be  done, 
just  as  morality  is  rendered  attractive  to 
us,  by  presenting  it  as  an  impulse  of  one's 
higher  nature.  Every  emotional  prompt- 
ing toward  virtuous  action  should  receive 
prompt  encouragement,  and  the  more  a 
child  can  be  got  to  feel  that  in  such  acts 
he  is  doing  what  he  wants  to  do,  the 
greater  is  his  inclination  toward  them. 
A  deliberate  wrong  act  would  then  have 
added  to  the  parent's  prohibition  the  re- 
enforcement  of  the  child's  own  self-disap- 


!  64  NURSE R  Y  E  THfCS. 

proval.  And  the  habit  of  associating 
disobedience  with  discomfort  would  be 
formed  without  any  unpleasant  associa- 
tion with  the  parent.  It  of  course  takes 
a  tender  conscience — one  that  has  never 
been  reproof-hardened — to  feel  in  this 
way.  Sympathetic  relations  must  exist 
between  parent  and  child  before  the  lesser 
will  is  brought  into  harmony  with  the 
larger  one.  But  this  harmony  is  the 
goal  of  our  efforts,  and  no  pains  must  be 
spared  to  secure  it.  The  interchange  of 
good  offices  promotes  such  an  under- 
standing. Let  a  child  recognize  that 
obligations  are  reciprocal,  that  he  owes 
kindness  in  return  for  kindness.  Sym- 
pathy that  does  not  express  itself  in  acts 
is  mere  sentiment,  useless  in  every  way. 
Feeling  and  action  are  so  close  together 
in  a  child's  mind  that  his  impulse  natur- 
ally is  to  do  something  for  persons  whom 
he  is  fond  of.  And  this  service,  which 
is  the  direct  outflowing  of  right  feeling 
should  not  be  interfered  with.  It  will, 
when  judiciously  educated,  take  the  form 
of  self-sacrifice.  A  child  is  very  pliable 
when  he  loves  his  parent.  I  have  seen  a 


EMOTIONAL  NATURES.  165 

small  boy,  left  to  hre  own  volition,  while 
knowing  that  his  mother  disapproved  of 
what  he  wanted  to  do,  return,  on  second 
thoughts,  after  setting  out  in  pursuance 
of  his  plan,  and  give  it  up  with  the  most 
cheerful  acquiescence.  What  a  gratifica- 
tion to  the  mother !  And  how  much 
more  confidence  she  would  have  there- 
after in  her  boy,  since  he  displayed  thus 
early  an  ability  to  reason,  and  choose  for 
himself  the  better  thing. 

But  even  with  the  same  training  chil- 
dren will  not  display  equal  capacity  for 
reasoning.  Some  remain  babies  a  long 
time.  But  with  an  appropriate  adap- 
tation of  government  to  their  peculiar 
needs  the  most  impetuous,  headstrong 
child  can  be  brought  to  control  himself. 
An  emotional  nature  is  susceptible  through 
its  affections,  and  it  is  dangerous  to  attempt 
to  influence  it  in  any  other  way  ;  for  where 
there  is  a  strong  capacity  for  love  there  is 
always,  also,  a  strong  capacity  for  hate, 
and  this  sentiment,  commonly  little  sus- 
pected or  taken  account  of  as  existing 
among  the  very  young,  has  sometimes 
an  appalling  ferocity,  like  that  of  a 


!  66  WUKSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

savage.  The  blind  'Instinct  of  an  en- 
raged child  is  to  annihilate :  only  his 
feebleness  prevents  his  setting  the  world 
on  fire.  Does  not  the  Apostle  Paul,  that 
stern,  dogmatical  man  who  feared  noth- 
ing, and  could  not  have  been  moved  by 
the  apprehension  of  the  mere  unpleasant- 
ness of  consequences — caution  once  and 
again,  "  And  you,  parents,  provoke  not 
your  children  to  wrath  !  "  Let  us  cul- 
tivate affection  in  them,  for  this  is  the 
only  sure  and  permanent  hold  we  can 
have.  The  great  object  in  government 
is  to  exercise  our  physical  power  of  co- 
ercion as  seldom  as  possible.  There 
should  be  no  terrible  displays,  no  threats, 
or  exhibition  of  implements  of  torment. 
These  have  the  effect  upon  weak  and 
timid  minds  of  making  them  more  vacil- 
lating and  cowardly,  and  a  bold  and 
courageous  mind  is  thereby  aroused  to 
a  sense  of  resistance,  through  a  feeling 
of  babyish  self-respect.  It  is  both  cruel 
and  impolitic  to  dominate  this  instinct, 
the  inheritance  probably  of  ancestral 
bravery  and  endurance,  the  very  qual- 
ities most  admired  in  men  and  women. 


A  BAD  LESSON.  167 

Anger  is  but  ardor  perverted  from  its 
proper  action.  What  we  want  is  willing 
adhesion,  not  conquered  submission. 
There  is  an  old  and  true  proverb  which 
is  often  misinterpreted  :  "  He  who  would 
command  must  first  have  learned  to  obey." 
But  the  obedience,  to  have  had  an  educa- 
tive value,  must  have  been  voluntary,  a 
deference  to  one's  own  higher  impulses 
over  his  lower  impulses. 

Do  we  ever  make  children  obey  our 
lower  impulses,  and  praise  their  docility  ? 
If  so,  we  irretrievably  injure  their  moral 
nature.  It  is  an  ill  lesson  to  inculcate  the 
principle  of  yielding  to  superior  power, 
whether  it  is  right  or  wrong.  The  ques- 
tion may  be  asked  at  this  juncture  whether 
children  are  to  be  judges  of  their  parents' 
character  ?  The  answer  must  be  that  they 
will  judge,  and  although  possessing  so 
small  a  share  of  reason  they  have  an  in- 
tuition which  enables  them  readily  to 
detect  guile.  If  we  acknowledge,  as  the 
conscientious  mind  must,  that  we  are 
only  justified  in  commanding  our  children 
to  do  what  is  right,  we  must  be  very 
careful  not  to  weaken  our  position  by 


!  68  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

giving  orders  which  their  own  sense  will 
tell  them  are  erroneous.  To  make  our- 
selves respected  we  must  be  and  appear 
worthy  of  respect.  A  parent,  like  the 
judge  upon  the  bench,  the  governor  in 
his  chair,  ought  to  carry  about  him  an 
atmosphere  of  unimpeachable  integrity, 
and  whence  can  this  emanate  but  in  the 
consciousness  that  back  of  him  is  the 
great  moral  law  of  which  he  is  the  in- 
terpreter, and  that  sustains  all  his  decrees  ? 
There  is  no  such  awe-inspiring  character 
as  a  person  who  is  at  once  consistently 
just  and  kind.  He  is  looked  up  to  and 
his  influence  is  unlimited.  On  the  rare 
occasions  that  such  a  parent  would  be 
obliged  to  resort  to  physical  restraints  he 
could  effect  far  greater  results  with  less 
force  than  an  impulsive  person  whose 
constant  bent  was  toward  violence.  Mild, 
friendly  expostulation  is  far  better  than 
severity.  Coercion  should  be  the  last 
resort,  and  only  used  to  restrain  violence 
or  an  obstinate  resistance  to  the  rights  of 
others.  Where  proper  relations  have  ex- 
isted from  the  beginning,  it  will  probably 
never  have  to  be  resorted  to,  but  in  those 


MORAL  EDUCATION.  169 

cases  where  it  is  necessary,  let  there  be  no 
hesitation  and  no  withdrawing  from  the 
stand  taken.  While  it  is  not  equitable 
for  a  parent  to  adhere  to  what  he  per- 
ceives is  a  mistake — to  insist  upon  a  thing 
merely  because  he  has  once  said  so — when 
he  knows  that  right  and  justice  are  on  the 
side  of  his  edict,  he  should  enforce  it  with 
Roman  firmness.  There  are  times  when 
leniency  is  cruel,  when  laxness  on  our 
part  means  certain  future  suffering  to  the 
child  we  excuse.  We  ought  to  represent 
the  inevitable,  and  to  this  he  must  bow 
his  head.  Never  deceive  nor  tyrannize, 
and  assume  this  supreme,  indisputable 
authority  but  seldom  :  it  will  be  awful 
in  proportion  to  its  rarity.  Corporal  pun- 
ishments should  be  excluded  from  the 
nursery.  Parents  have  no  right  to  use 
blows  as  a  method  of  moral  education. 
In  cases  where  a  child  is  obstinately  re- 
bellious he  can  only  be  regarded  as  a 
demented  person,  and  the  same  remedial 
treatment  administered  which  we  would 
bestow  upon  the  insane.  Compassion, 
not  anger,  is  the  sentiment  appropriate  to 
the  occasion.  Magnanimity  cows  a  cul- 


1 7  o  NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 

prit ;  he  feels  abashed  and  belittled  in  his 
own  esteem.  Let  him  be  made  aware 
that  the  public  good  demands  his  restraint : 
that  just  as  a  raging  animal  would  be  tied, 
so  he  must  be  confined  to  his  room  or  his 
chair,  and  his  liberty  curtailed  because  he 
interferes  with  the  liberty  of  other  people. 
Can  a  parent  trust  himself,  when  necessity 
thus  arises,  to  be  stern  without  being 
harsh  ?  Ordinarily,  dignity  and  sweetness 
are  entirely  compatible.  Infinite  patience, 
unfailing  kindness,  are  the  qualities  to  cul- 
tivate. Dr.  Fellenburg,  who  quelled  so 
many  riotous  boys,  found  that  in  all  which 
relates  to  puerile  faults,  "mild  means  are 
the  only  effectual  means."  On  the  twen- 
tieth repetition  of  a  fault  the  remonstrance 
should  be  as  kind  as  the  first  time. 

This  is  where  parents  usually  fail. 
They  do  not  sufficiently  excuse  forgetful- 
ness  and  inattention.  Few  children  are 
gifted  with  the  earnest  and  intense  con- 
scientiousness essential  to  the  bearing  in 
mind  every  wish  of  the  guardian.  This 
ability  is  also  an  attribute  of  fine  health. 
Disease  weakens  both  memory  and  will, 
hence  a  healthy  child  is  much  easier  to 


GENTLE  FIRMNESS.  171 

manage  than  an  ailing  one.  "The  mind," 
observes  Quick,  "  will  not  act  during  any 
depression  of  the  animal  spirits."  This 
is  an  argument  for  keeping  our  children 
happy.  When  the  body  is  in  a  morbid 
condition  there  is  not  present  sufficient 
energy  to  make  oneself  do  right.  There 
is  no  confidence,  no  faith,  and  an  effort 
seems  not  worth  the  while.  So,  a  much 
greater  degree  of  tact  and  patience  are 
necessary  in  dealing  with  ailing  children 
than  with  well  ones.  Yet  even  when  sick 
they  should  not  be  spoiled.  Never  is 
gentle  firmness  more  in  order.  I  have 
known  a  child,  entirely  tractable  until 
then,  ruined  by  the  injudicious  treatment 
he  received  during  the  fretful  stage  of 
convalescence  after  a  severe  illness.  He 
received  the  impression  then,  never  after- 
ward to  be  quite  effaced,  that  his  wish 
was  the  law  of  the  household.  The  ten- 
derest  nursing,  the  most  assiduous  care 
can  co-exist  with  the  authority  essential 
to  the  good  of  an  invalid.  The  mother 
then  should  imitate  the  physician,  whom 
no  one  thinks  of  disputing.  But  children 
without  being  really  sick  are  often  in  a 


1 7  2  NURSE K  Y  E  THICS. 

physical  state  that  necessitates  a  certain 
leniency  on  the  part  of  their  guardians. 
The  health  of  grown  people  largely  de- 
pends upon  their  having  found  out  by  ex- 
perience what  they  can  do  and  what  they 
must  avoid.  They  keep  themselves  well 
by  judicious  selection.  Children  are  get- 
ting used  to  life,  and  every  day  they  suffer 
some  slight  or  perhaps  serious  inconven- 
ience while  their  parents  are  learning  just 
what  their  constitutions  demand.  Thus 
there  are  so  many  things  that  have  to  be 
taken  into  consideration  in  the  exercise 
of  parental  government  that  the  only  way 
to  avoid  making  some  great  mistake  is  to 
make  kindness  and  consideration  the  in- 
variable rule. 


CHAPTER  XL 

THE  PRIMARY  OBJECT  IS  THE  DEVELOP- 
MENT OF  CHARACTER. 

"  It  is  quite  a  common  fault  to  make  use  of  repri- 
mands for  the  slightest  faults  which  are  almost  inevit- 
able to  children.  This  breaks  the  force  of  reprimands 
and  renders  them  fruitless." — ROLLIN. 

OINGULARLY  enough  it  is  habitual 
*^  among  us  to  regard  with  dislike  the 
trait  which  marks  out  our  children  as  be- 
longing to  a  superior  race.  The  evolution 
of  the  civilized  man  from  the  savage  is 
accompanied  by  an  increased  interest  and 
curiosity  concerning  his  surroundings. 
Consequently,  in  a  race,  and  in  individuals, 
the  exhibition  of  vivid  interest  must  be 
held  to  indicate  the  presence  of  intellect- 
ual power.  Now,  no  one  is  more  pleased 
at  having  pointed  out  evidences  of  intel- 
lect in  his  child  than  the  parent,  to  whom 
these  mental  endowments  seem  to  be 


1 7  4  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

owing.  The  mother  wears  a  flattered 
smile,  the  father  vainly  tries  to  hide  his 
complacency  under  an  air  of  indifference 
when  the  intelligence  of  their  child  is 
made  the  subject  of  remark.  But  there 
is  a  wish  to  reap  the  reward  without  hav- 
ing gone  through  with  all  that  preliminary 
work  which  must  be  considered  one  of 
the  penalties  of  pleasure.  A  baby  at  two 
or  three  months  shows  faculties  of  ob- 
servation, a  certain  "  brightness  "  which 
arouses  in  his  friends  hopes  that  he  may 
become  something  remarkable.  They 
pet  him  and  play  with  him  and  teach  him 
from  time  to  time  some  little  tricks  that 
people  will  call  "cunning,"  and  altogether, 
make  use  of  this  dawning  intelligence 
to  glorify  themselves  in  the  eyes  of  the 
public,  without  a  thought  of  the  mental 
needs  of  the  little  creature  and  of  that 
vacuum  left  by  the  lack  of  appropriate 
training  which  this  monotonous  little 
play  of  "  showing  off  "  by  no  means  satis- 
fies. Presently,  when  the  child's  mind 
has  become  tired,  and  in  a  way  stultified 
by  nonsense,  and  he  turns  his  attention 
voluntarily  to  something  more  rational, 


SURVEILLANCE.  175 

has  wants  and  shows  determination  to 
gratify  them,  there  is  a  revulsion  of  feel- 
ing in  his  guardians.  They  require  a  pet, 
and  ceasing  to  be  this  he  becomes  a 
nuisance.  They  regard  with  high  dis- 
favor his  independent  exertions,  and  in- 
stead of  assiduously  studying  the  natural 
way  in  which  the  little  mind  unfolds,  and 
aiding  its  development  they  hinder  it,  re- 
tarding its  processes  so  much  that  often 
the  "  bright  "  baby  grows  into  a  stupid 
child,  because  he  has  never  been  allowed 
any  intellectual  freedom,  and  nature  has 
been  balked  by  all  those  conventional 
regulations  which  unhesitatingly  sacrifice 
even  genius  to  convenience. 

From  the  day  the  child  steps  from  his 
cradle  to  the  floor  and  begins  to  totter 
about  the  room,  he  becomes  the  object 
of  uneasy  surveillance.  This  is  dictated 
partly  by  a  regard  for  his  safety,  but 
more  from  the  desire  to  protect  our  pos- 
sessions. The  swaddling  clothes  of  in- 
fancy were  fetters  of  gauze  compared  to 
the  restrictions  now  imposed  on  the  eager 
little  creature  who  stretches  out  his  hands 
to  touch  (and  so  gain  the  only  knowledge 


1 7  6  NURSER  Y  £  THICS. 

open  to  him)  all  the  strange  and  beautiful 
things  in  his  new  world.  The  children  of 
the  wealthy  now  suffer  more  than  those  of 
the  poor.  Rousseau  speaks  of  the  torture 
these  children  experience  in  the  very  em- 
barrassment of  riches  displayed  to  their 
sight,  but  which  they  are  never  allowed 
to  handle  and  analyze.  In  the  cottage  or 
the  farm-house  the  baby  is  much  more  at 
ease,  playing  with  some  clothes-pins  and 
a  tin-pail,  whose  shining  surface  is  ever  a 
new  surprise,  and  sitting  on  the  sand  in 
front  of  the  door,  learning  from  the  use 
of  the  primitive  element  lessons  suited  to 
his  understanding.  Simplicity  is  restful, 
and  a  few  flowers  and  grasses,  pine  cones, 
shells,  and  soft,  bright  balls,  are  welcome 
treasures  that  furnish  both  amusement 
and  instruction.  Every  mother  cannot 
be  a  kindergartener — which  is  a  great 
pity — but  every  mother  ought  at  least 
to  obtain  some  simple  manual,  and  learn 
the  use  of  the  Frcebel  gifts  and  songs. 
The  ball  is  the  child's  first  natural  toy, 
and  one  hung  above  his  cradle  just  where 
he  can  touch  and  swing  it  is  sure  to  give 
him  great  enjoyment.  It  ought  to  be 


NURSERY  WARFARE.  I77 

bright  and  soft  to  the  touch,  so  that  he 
can  learn  little  by  little,  the  qualities  of 
this  spherical  body,  and  the  mother  ought 
to  make  it  her  duty,  however  busy,  to 
watch  at  times  and  assist  in  the  play  of 
the  little  one  with  a  view  to  teaching 
him,  for  the  desire  to  play  which  nature 
implants  as  an  instinct  in  the  young  is  the 
first  method  of  physical  and  intellectual 
development,  and  pastimes  soon  pall  upon 
them  unless  they  contain  scope  for  some 
sort  of  activity. 

At  the  instant  when  the  baby  is  intro- 
duced to  the  environment  that  commonly 
is  his  heritage  in  refined  homes,  we  ought 
to  stop  and  ask  ourselves  the  scope  and 
purpose  of  the  certain  warfare  now  to  be 
waged  between  the  little  one,  moved 
solely  by  natural  instincts,  and  other 
people,  controlled  by  all  the  complex  and 
contradictory  motives  of  civilized  life. 
Is  there  sufficient  reason  in  our  prefer- 
ence, for  bewildering  this  new-born  intel- 
ligence by  numerous  frail  and  costly  sur- 
roundings, and  thwarting  its  laudable 
curiosity  by  constant  protest  and  restraint 
when  he  toddles  forth  to  investigate  ? 
12 


!  7  g  NURSE R  y  E  THICS. 

I  have  seen  a  mother  who  made  essay 
toward  culture,  and  whose  taste  ran  riot 
upon  the  subject  of  bric-a-brac,  pursuing 
her  two-year-old  around  the  parlor  with  a 
perpetual  "  No,  no,  naughty  to  touch 
that !  "  with  no  other  object  in  view  than 
to  teach  the  child  obedience  and  "  to  let 
things  alone."  A  mother  will  tap  a 
child's  hand  when  the  little  fingers  are 
laid  upon  a  costly  fan  or  vase.  Now, 
what  is  she  trying  to  convey?  If  she  but 
knew  it — merely  an  idea  of  an  arbitrary  dis- 
tinction which  it  is  impossible  for  him  to 
comprehend.  "  This  " — she  tacitly  ob- 
serves— "  costs  money  and  if  broken  can- 
not be  replaced.  But  that  other  thing 
over  there  is  tough  and  valueless — play 
with  that."  The  object  having  beautiful 
colors  is  forbidden  probably,  and  a  dull 
thing  substituted.  The  child  simply  per- 
ceives that  the  most  attractive  object, 
the  one  that  interests  him  is  taken  away  ; 
the  why  is  beyond  him.  If  we  could 
once  see  into  the  workings  of  the  little 
mind  we  would  know  that  such  trials  are 
too  hard,  and  they  are  premature.  We 
do  not  subject  our  sons  to  the  tempta- 


YEA  AND  NAY.  179 

tions  of  vice  set  forth  in  its  most  attract- 
ive forms,  even  when  some  degrees  of 
judgment  and  self-control  have  been  at- 
tained. And  yet,  while  arbitrarily  estab- 
lishing the  code  that  it  is  wicked  to  de- 
stroy even  in  the  pursuit  of  knowledge,  we 
place  a  baby  in  the  midst  of  wonders  and 
expect  it  to  exercise  the  amazing  fortitude 
of  preferring  to  be  good  to  following 
the  strong  instinct  of  nature,  which  is  to 
touch,  taste,  and  handle  all  unknown 
objects. 

But  the  simplest  law  of  equity  demands 
that  we  make  virtue  possible  to  our  chil- 
dren. Place  no  overwhelming  tempta- 
tions in  their  way  and  tenderly  educate 
them  into  the  faculty  of  self-denial  before 
we  make  our  mere  command  the  impass- 
able barrier  to  their  chosen  enjoyment. 
"Our 'yes,'"  observes  the  author  of  an 
excellent  old  book,  "  should  be  hearty 
and  unconditional ;  our  promise  the  rock 
on  which  the  child  can  find  unshaken 
foundation  for  building  its  plans.  Our 
'  no '  should  be  a  wall  of  brass  which  the 
child  shall  give  up  all  hope  or  endeavor 
to  shake."  But  what  is  to  be  thought  of 


180  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

the  parent  who  inconsiderately  erects  this 
wall  between  his  child  and  legitimate 
sources  of  gratification  ?  Who  debars 
him  from  some  pastimes  because  of  his 
own  timidity,  and  from  others  because  it 
is  much  less  troublesome  to  have  him  re- 
main quiet !  There  is  a  chapter  in  Car- 
lyle's  Sartor  Resartus  called  "  The  Ever- 
lasting No,"  the  reading  of  which  produces 
profound  sadness,  as  it  vividly  presents  a 
feeling  of  all  the  negations  of  life.  I  have 
sometimes  read  on  the  pensive  faces  of 
little  ones,  travelling  about  the  world 
under  the  surveillance  of  sour-looking 
guardians,  a  reflection  of  the  dark  shadow 
cast  on  their  innocent  young  souls  by  this 
bleak  wall  of  everlasting  negation  that 
puts  its  veto  on  all  sorts  of  action  merely 
because  it  is  action,  and  dooms  creatures 
born  to  attain  to  self-knowledge  and 
knowledge  of  the  world  by  the  use  of 
their  faculties,  to  passivity. 

"  Stop,  Sarah  !  "  sharply  cries  the  nurse 
to  the  baby  who  is  throwing  its  head 
back  against  the  cushions  of  its  carriage, 
intent  on  getting  exercise  in  this  way. 
"  Sit  down  and  keep  still,"  orders  the 


NATURAL  WANTS.  181 

mother,  annoyed  and  interrupted  in  an 
interesting  conversation  by  her  little  tot's 
throwing  a  handful  of  pebbles  or  dande- 
lions in  her  lap  and  asking  her  to  help 
him  play  with  them.  "  Come  right  along," 
shouts  some  person  in  charge  of  the  child 
who  stops  short  at  an  inconvenient  mo- 
ment to  gaze  in  wonder  and  delight  at 
a  colony  of  ants  on  the  sidewalk.  And 
thus  perpetually  wherever  they  go  they 
encounter  this  thoughtless  opposition 
from  people  who  have  forgotten  that  they 
ever  were  children.  This  terrible  lack  of 
sympathy  is  what  clouds  so  many  young 
lives  and  converts  buoyant  dispositions 
into  sullenness  and  obstinacy.  A  con- 
tented child  is  an  obedient  child.  If  he 
has  been  treated  with  systematic  consider- 
ation, and  the  natural  wants  of  his  mind 
as  well  as  those  of  his  body  attended  to, 
he  has  no  feeling  of  antagonism  to  his 
guardians.  But  the  mental  solicitations 
of  children  are  strong.  From  the  first 
they  require  to  be  taught.  The  unfold- 
ing of  their  faculties  gives  them  conscious 
delight,  and  we  ought  from  the  beginning 
to  address  ourselves  to  their  intelligence. 


!  g  2  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

Present  things  to  them  in  contrast  by 
getting  them  to  notice  successively  two 
objects  widely  different  in  some  special 
properties,  such  as  form  and  color.  By 
the  time  he  can  walk  a  child  should  know 
the  difference  between  soft  and  hard, 
elastic  and  brittle.  What  pleasure  it  gives 
a  child  to  handle  a  thing  which  seems  to 
possess  a  certain  vitality ;  he  likes  to 
stretch  a  rubber-band  back  and  forth  and 
listen  to  its  vibrations  as  he  snaps  it  with 
his  fingers.  A  certain  old  carpenter's 
"  level  "  containing  a  drop  of  mercury  re- 
volving under  its  glass  shield,  furnished  a 
whole  fairyland  of  wonders  to  one  fanci- 
ful little  girl.  They  like  something  that 
responds,  that  encourages  them  to  action. 
But  they  soon  tire  of  aimless  exertions. 
Monotony  is  a  child's  horror. 

The  parent  who  has  a  high  ideal  of  his 
duties  will  make  his  care  of  his  child  a 
progressional  education  :  joining  what  he 
has  learned  one  day  to  new  knowledge 
the  day  following.  But  this  necessitates 
more  information  of  human  nature  and 
physical  nature  than  is  usually  possessed, 
for  a  child's  first  instinctive  researches 


FIRST  STEPS.  183 

lead  him  into  the  field  of  physics,  chem- 
istry and  natural  history.  His  earliest 
questions,  diving  straight  to  the  founda- 
tion, baffle  superficial  minds.  But  it  is 
mortifying  that  men  and  women  who 
have  passed  '  through  the  schools  and 
would  resent  the  imputation  of  being 
ignorant  of  the  fundamental  principles, 
are  not  ashamed  to  confess  that  they  are 
not  prepared  to  guide  their  little  ones 
along  the  preliminary  steps  of  education. 
They  could  teach  the  child  of  seven  to 
read  and  write,  but  they  cannot  teach  the 
six  months'  old  baby  the  use  of  his  muscles 
by  appropriate  movements,  nor  help  him 
to  develop  his  sense  perceptions  by  simple 
but  scientific  experiments  ;  and  they  have 
so  far  forgotten  all  they  ever  knew  about 
natural  history  that  it  is  impossible  for 
them  to  satisfy  inquiries  about  plants 
and  stones  and  insects.  Is  it  really  igno- 
rance, or  is  it  indolence  ?  Whatever  it  is 
there  is  no  excuse  for  it.  I  have  observed 
that  when  people  are  impressed  with  a 
sense  of  the  real  importance  and  the  ne- 
cessity of  a  pursuit  they  find  time  and 
energy  to  engage  in  it.  Something  less 


1 84  NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 

essential  is  given  up.  But  where  the  in- 
terest is  slight,  even  though  the  duty  may 
be  manifest,  they  find  innumerable  and 
quite  satisfactory  excuses  for  shirking.  It 
is  hardly  to  be  expected  that  the  ordinary 
parent  will  undertake  the  trouble  of  pre- 
paring himself  for  the  great  duty  and 
privilege  of  developing  in  its  natural  order 
the  mind  of  his  child.  But  let  him  not 
grumble  then  at  having  fretful  and  re- 
bellious children.  He  must  either  be 
benefactor  or  foe  ;  there  is  no  medium  ; 
unless,  indeed,  he  conceals  his  indiffer- 
ence by  keeping  aloof,  delegating  his 
duties  to  others,  and  remains  a  stranger. 
He  will  thus  avoid  seeing  all  the  conse- 
quences of  his  neglect. 

But  the  parents  who  have  in  their  souls 
enough  of  that  freshness  and  enthusiasm 
happily  preserved  to  those  who  believe 
that  life  is  "worth  the  living"  in  its  high- 
est sense,  will  have  supplied  to  them 
through  sympathy  and  affection  sufficient 
zeal  to  undertake  the  education  of  their 
child.  Instead  of  merely  amusing  them- 
selves by  an  hour's  play  they  will  give 
him  a  daily  object  lesson,  training  him  to 


EARL  Y  ED  UCA  TION.  1 85 

observe  and  to  reason,  and  furnishing  him 
in  this  way  with  subject  matter  for 
thought  while  he  feels  himself  merely  en- 
tertained. The  first  moral  lessons  should 
be  intersting,  not  mere  barren  iterations. 
Ingenuity  should  be  employed  and  use 
made  of  that  dramatic  instinct  and  love 
of  representation  which  every  child  pos- 
sesses. Instead  of  scolding  being  admin- 
istered for  the  very  natural  and  com- 
mon fault  of  dropping  an  object  after  he 
has  finished  with  it,  he  can  be  taught  that 
china  and  glass  will  break  by  the  sacrifice 
of  a  few  old  pieces,  and  from  the  sorrow 
of  the  parent  he  will  comprehend  that 
breaking  is  to  be  avoided  and  such  things 
handled  carefully.  It  is  not  fair  to  give 
a  child,  during  the  first  year  of  his  life,  a 
rubber  doll  that  can  be  tossed  about  any- 
where, and  then  expect  him  to  hold  a 
china  cup  or  glass.  Yet  such  absurd  tran- 
sitions are  common  in  the  thoughtless 
treatment  children  too  often  receive. 

A  certain  amount  of  breaking  is  nec- 
essary for  him  to  obtain  a  notion  of 
solidity.  He  should  no  more  be  chided 
for  it  than  we  would  chide  the  chemist 


!  86  NUKSER  Y  E  THICS. 

for  shattering  the  glass  tube  to  demon- 
strate an  experiment.  Destructiveness  in 
young  children  only  means  great  mental 
activity.  The  most  careless  persons  are 
usually  those  who  have  been  in  youth 
continually  repressed  by  over  -  careful 
parents.  Dr.  Edward  Seguin  gives  it  as 
his  opinion  that  suffering  develops  con- 
tradiction. In  his  own  words  : 

"  Average  men  who  oppose  everything 
were  compressed  from  birth  in  some  kind 
of  swaddling  bands ;  those  who  abhor 
study  were  forced  to  it  as  a  punishment ; 
those  who  gormandize  were  starved  ; 
those  who  lie  were  brought  to  it  by  fear  ; 
those  who  hate  labor  were  reduced  to 
work  for  others  ;  those  who  covet  were 
deprived  ;  everywhere  oppression  creates 
antagonism.'' 

If  a  parent  will  recall  the  experiences 
of  a  single  day  it  is  probable  that  he  will 
find  that  most  of  the  reprimands  with 
which  he  has  visited  his  child  have  been 
for  faults  against  usages ;  faults  which  if 
left  alone  would  in  time  amend  themselves. 
The  critical  attitude  is  easy  to  assume, 
hard  to  relinquish,  and  by  indulging 


OBEDIENCE.  187 

ourselves  in  it  we  come  to  dislike  persons 
who  jar  against  our  nerves.  Children 
suffer  much  through  contact  with  such 
ultra-refined  sensibilities.  "  We  instruct 
them  too  much,"  remonstrates  Rousseau. 
"We  torture  them  and  lose  their  love." 

"  The  wall  of  brass,"  therefore,  should 
be  erected  only  before  fields  whose 
entrance  is  forbidden  from  just  reasons. 
There  come  times  when  a  child's  safety 
may  depend  upon  his  habit  of  prompt 
obedience.  This  willing,  cheerful  con- 
cession cannot  come  if  he  has  been  made 
to  perpetually  yield  to  whims.  It  results 
from  confidence  that  his  parent  has  good 
reason  for  making  the  demand.  "  Ah," 
says  the  little  heroine  of  the  "  Wide,  wide 
world,"  contrasting  the  training  of  her 
brother  with  that  of  her  other  relatives  : 
"  but  you  always  had  a  reason,  and  they 
have  not." 

"  Obey  first  and  I  will  tell  you  why 
afterward  if  you  wish  to  know,"  re- 
marks a  wise  parent,  when  giving  a  hard 
order.  The  kind  explanation  cements  the 
bond  of  sympathy  and  makes  the  child 
more  ready  next  time  to  give  up  his  will, 


X88  NUKSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

since  he  realizes  that  he  is  under  benefi- 
cent direction  and  not  the  subject  of  a 
tyrant.  There  are  circumstances  where 
the  explanation  should  accompany  the 
order,  as  in  the  denial  of  a  cherished  plan. 
It  is  unnecessary  to  cause  even  temporary 
heart-burnings.  But  as  obedience  should 
be  a  habit  learned  in  infancy,  it  is  in 
general,  not  judicious  to  defer  it  to 
explanations.  Let  them  come  afterwards, 
and  as  resulting  from  a  pleasant,  friendly 
intercourse  between  parent  and  child. 
Young  people  love  these  intimate  talks, 
perhaps  mixed  with  allegory  and  tales  of 
what  "  happened  when  papa  was  a  boy 
and  mamma  a  girl,"  as  much  as  they  dread 
formal  lecturing.  Familiarity  can  be 
maintained  without  fear  of  disrespect. 
The  most  beautiful  relations  exist  where 
a  mother  is  the  comrade  and  chosen 
confidante  of  her  children.  They  like  to 
feel  that  she  is  human  like  themselves  ; 
and  if  fallible  sometimes,  so  it  is  not  in 
point  of  principle,  it  does  not  hurt  her  in 
their  eyes.  We  have  no  right  to  pretend 
to  be  perfect  to  our  children  ;  only  let 
them  see  that  we  are  striving  toward 


LIBERTY  OF  ACTION.  189 

perfection.  They  are  keen  observers,  and 
there  are  times  when  every  parent  displays 
himself  in  an  unlovely  light.  Rather  than 
be  false,  let  him  acknowledge  that  he  is 
not  always  able  to  conform  to  his  own 
standard ;  but  he  regrets  the  lapse,  just  as 
every  one  must  who  tries  to  do  right. 
Children  are  very  tender  with  the  faults 
of  grown  people,  when  the  latter  have  not 
repelled  and  disgusted  them  by  a  harsh 
show  of  perfection.  In  our  querulous 
moments  it  is  as  plain  to  them  as  to  us 
that  we  are  wrong.  But  how  quickly  the 
explanation  of  "a  headache  "  or  of  being 
"  worried  "  turns  their  vexation  into  sym- 
pathy. Would  we  were  as  forgiving  and 
sweet  toward  their  foibles  as  they  are 
toward  us. 

In  dealing  with  the  problem  of  family 
government  it  is  necessary  to  recollect 
that  the  tendency  of  our  age  is  strongly 
toward  liberty  of  the  individual,  and  in 
no  other  country  is  the  bias  so  deter- 
mined as  in  our  own.  Coming  down  to 
us  perhaps  from  the  old  Romans  is  that 
spirit  which  makes  us  remarkable  for 
patriotic  devotion  to  our  country  and  for 


I  go.  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

absolute  independence  within  the  limits 
of  our  private  life.  But  while  for  ages 
the  evolution  of  personal  independence 
was  confined  to  the  men,  who,  as  heads 
of  households,  absorbed  all  other  person- 
alities into  their  own,  this  century  has 
seen  a  striking  revolution  accomplished 
in  the  status  of  women,  and  proceeding 
concomitantly  with  this  has  come  in- 
creased consideration  for  children,  as 
separate  individuals.  Men  are  no  longer, 
as  formerly,  lost  in  and  sacrificed  to  the 
State,  women  are  no  longer  merged  in, 
and  their  identity  covered  by  that  of 
their  husbands,  and  children  are  no 
longer  lost  in  the  family.  One  reason 
for  this  is  that  with  the  advance  of  higher 
civilization  and  the  consequent  diminish- 
ing frequency  of  those  internicine  wars 
which  used  to  depopulate  whole  commu- 
nities, the  same  necessity  does  not  exist 
for  having  immense  families.  When 
nations  are  young  quantity  is  of  the 
first  importance,  but  when  there  has 
been  a  considerable  evolution  of  arts, 
sciences,  and  social  refinements,  quality 
becomes  the  object  of  consideration  and 


THE  FAMILY  TYPE.  igi 

the  preference  grows  up  for  devoting  to  a 
few,  for  the  purpose  of  aiding  them  to 
reach  a  high  degree  of  development,  the 
care  that,  given  to  the  many,  would  only 
be  sufficient  for  them  to  attain  to  a  lower 
degree  of  development. 

The  fewer  children  there  are  in  a  family 
the  more,  other  things  being  equal,  will 
each  one  receive  separate  consideration 
and  become  in  himself  an  object  of  im- 
portance. Contrast  the  progeny  of  the 
Irish  laborer  or  of  the  negro  in  one  of  the 
southern  states,  as  in  numbers  they  cluster 
about  the  door  of  his  cabin,  their  faces 
and  expression  so  wonderfully  alike  that 
except  for  the  difference  in  their  ages 
their  own  parents  could  scarcely  tell  them 
apart,  with  the  three  children,  say,  of 
some  highly-educated  professional  man. 
In  the  former  case  they  are  a  herd,  all 
treated  alike  and  no  account  taken  of 
such  natural  mental  or  physical  dissimi- 
larities as  do  exist.  But  in  the  latter  case 
each  child  is  a  distinct  factor,  with  marked 
variations  from  the  family  type.  Each 
has  tastes,  constitutional  peculiarities,  and 
abilities  which  single  him  out  very  early 


1 9  2  NUKSER  Y  £  THICS. 

as  an  object  for  some  special  sort  of  care 
and  training,  and  draw  attention  to  him 
as  an  individual. 

Nature  thus  arranges,  in  her  processes 
of  selection,  that  the  finer  the  quality  of 
her  specimen  the  more  he  shall  stand 
apart,  as  an  independent  being.  Another 
reason  for  the  decrease  in  the  size  of 
families  is  that  beside  the  necessity  for 
more  attention  being  given  to  each  one, 
there  is  a  great  difference  in  the  kind  of 
attention  required.  In  ancient  times 
physical  education  was  the  primary  es- 
sential. When  life  and  property  de- 
pended upon  a  man's  strength  muscle 
was  the  only  power  and  received  the 
most  care.  For  many  centuries  mental 
cultivation  was  confined  to  the  practi- 
cally useless  portion  of  the  community, 
and  was  acquired  by  others  merely  as  an 
accomplishment.  But  the  demand  of 
modern  civilization  is  for  brain,  and  that 
of  a  superior  quality.  When  boys  could 
once  be  sent  out  with  a  servant  to  pass 
whole  days  in  learning  to  swim,  to  ride 
and  to  handle  weapons,  and  the  girls 
be  set  down  to  their  sewing  and  em- 


CHARACTER.  193 

broidery,  leaving  their  parents'  minds 
free  and  at  ease — their  whole  duty  done 
— modern  children  must  be  studied  and 
considered  from  the  standpoint  of  their 
mental  development :  a  matter  requiring 
the  exercise  upon  the  part  of  their  parents 
of  all  the  intellectual  and  moral  faculties 
they  may  possess.  To  rear  a  child  pos- 
sessing strongly  original  qualities  is  a  vast 
wear  and  tear  upon  the  nerves.  But 
this  is  the  penalty  of  high  civilization. 
The  Americans  are  the  most  original 
people  that  have  ever  existed ;  the  most 
versatile,  the  most  nervous.  They  pos- 
sess the  element  of  inherent  stability  that 
leads  them  to  dominate  weaker  natures. 
It  is  done  good-naturedly  and  uncon- 
sciously, for  the  most  part. 

It  is  a  singular  thing  to  observe  the  ef- 
fects produced  in  even  one  generation,  by 
the  atmosphere  of  freedom  and  aspiration 
that  exists  in  our  country.  The  Irish 
mother,  born  and  bred  in  the  old  country, 
comes  here,  and  has  a  daughter  who 
almost  from  the  beginning  manifests  a 
strength  of  character  far  exceeding  that 
of  her  parents.  The  traditions  and  ideas 
13 


194  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

brought  from  beyond  the  sea  seem  to  have 
all  the  vigor  taken  out  of  them  during 
their  passage  across  the  Atlantic.  Chil- 
dren born  on  our  free  soil  are  Americans 
in  very  spirit,  imbibing  apparently  from 
their  surroundings  and  education  that 
which  nullifies  their  hereditary  pre-dis- 
position.  If  this  may  be  said  of  these 
half-foreigners,  how  much  more  strongly 
it  applies  to  the  descendants  of  the  early 
settlers  of  our  country.  There  is  little 
phlegm  in  our  constitutions,  and  our 
babies  show  in  their  earliest  movements 
a  sense  of  individuality  springing  from 
generations  of  self-governing  men. 

The  Germans  are  a  nation  of  soldiers 
and  philosophers.  The  one  practice 
makes  them  submissive  to  discipline,  and 
the  other  renders  them  cheerfully  indiffer- 
ent under  hardships.  Consequently  the 
heritage  of  German  children  is  obedi- 
ence, and  they  are  the  most  docile  and 
easily  governed  of  any.  But  their  re- 
pressed powers  of  self-will  have  the  most 
violent  outbreaks  in  later  years,  just  as 
our  own  Indians  develop,  from  their 
cruel  confinement  in  the  board  cradles, 


LET  THEM  GROW.  195 

the  most  ferocious  activities  of  incessant 
war. 

Repression  causes  more  suffering  to  our 
children  than  it  causes  less  nervous  tem- 
peraments, and  harshness  brings  about 
very  grave  mental  disturbance.  Decision 
is  in  all  government  a  matter  of  first  im- 
portance, but  with  a  free-born  race  it  is 
an  object  always  to  produce  the  maximum 
of  good  conduct  with  an  exertion  of  the 
minimum  of  force.  We  must  not  keep 
our  children  infants,  for  our  own  pleasure, 
but  let  them  grow  as  fast  as  they  will. 
With  each  succeeding  year  our  com- 
mands should  be  fewer,  our  restraints 
lighter.  A  child  who  has  been  well 
trained  usually  shows  touching  confidence 
in  the  judgment  of  his  parents.  He  will 
bring  to  them  his  perplexities  and  dis- 
putes, and  insist  upon  their  saying 
whether  he  is  to  do  certain  things.  The 
less  arbitrary  a  parent  is  the  more  real 
power  he  possesses,  for  it  is  a  power 
which  penetrates  beyond  action  into  the 
spring  of  action,  the  heart. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

THE     EARLY     INDICATIONS    OF    INDIVID- 
UALITY. 

"  Do  not  regret  the  exhibition  of  considerable  self-will 
on  the  part  of  your  children.  It  is  the  correlative  of 
that  diminished  coerciveness  so  conspicuous  in  modern 
education.  The  greater  tendency  to  assert  freedom 
on  the  one  side  corresponds  to  the  smaller  tendency  to 
tyrannize  on  the  other.  They  both  indicate  an  ap- 
proach to  the  system  of  discipline  we  contend  for, 
under  which  children  will  be  more  and  more  led  to 
rule  themselves  by  the  experience  of  natural  conse- 
quences ;  and  they  are  both  the  accompaniments  of 
our  more  advanced  social  state. — SPENCER. 

""THE  rapid  growth  of  a  child's  person- 
ality after  he  has  left  infancy  be- 
hind, is  a  constant  surprise  to  his  parents. 
Yesterday  he  seemed  passive  and  dumb  ; 
to-day  he  bursts  forth  into  expression 
and  tells  us  of  ideas  and  opinions  that 
startle  us  by  their  boldness.  At  first 
everything  he  says  is  not  only  treated 
with  indulgence,  but  the  freshness  and 


BRIGHT  SA  YINGS.  \  9  7 

originality  of  his  fancies  give  a  great  deal 
of  pleasure  to  his  elders.  His  extrava- 
ganzas are  repeated  and  laughed  at.  The 
child  is  the  real  wit  as  he  is  the  real 
poet :  there  is  sure  to  be  a  pungency  in 
his  observations  which  comes  from  their 
directness  and  fearless  truth.  Before  his 
book  education  has  begun,  and  while  he 
yet  observes  everything  for  himself  and 
at  first  hand,  he  has  that  delicate  sense 
of  real  value  which  only  unsophisticated 
natures  possess,  and  which  is  lost  so  soon 
as  artificial  views  corrupt  the  mind  and 
rob  it  of  that  pure  insight  which  teaches 
that  truth  is  always  right. 

The  child  goes  straight  to  the  point  and 
his  directness  refreshes  the  jaded  energies 
of  his  mature  companions.  They  ques- 
tion him  and  draw  him  out,  but  it  is  only 
to  toy  with  him.  All  the  wealth  of  sug- 
gestion and  speculation  constitute  merely 
"  bright  sayings."  They  do  not  appre- 
ciate that  he  is  desperately  in  earnest 
about  everything,  that  life  is  commencing 
to  take  on  a  serious  aspect,  and  the  baby 
has  developed  into  the  responsible  human 
being.  His  little  airs  of  assertion  seem 


!  gg  MURSEK  Y  £  THICS. 

amusing,  and  aware  that  he  has  no  real 
power — that  he  is  a  dependent  and  a  sub- 
ject— we  divert  ourselves  by  allowing  him 
to  strut  around  with  his  fancied  assump- 
tion of  manhood,  just  as  we  cheer  the 
little  one  who  seizes  hat  and  cane  and 
insists  that  he  is  "  papa." 

Most  persons  see  in  all  this  only  some- 
thing grotesque.  There  is  required  the 
penetrating  eye  of  affectionate  interest  to 
dive  down  to  the  bottom  of  their  hearts 
and  see  there  the  struggling  self-respect 
of  the  growing  creature,  beginning  to 
realize  that  he  has  a  mind  of  his  own,  that 
he  can  observe,  understand  and  reason 
without  aid.  "  /  know,"  he  remarks,  with 
the  quick  instinct  of  dignity,  when  a  too 
elaborate  explanation  is  forced  upon  him. 
"  I  can  understand  for  myself."  And 
following  naturally  upon  this  comes  the 
desire  to  act  for  himself.  He  wants  to  be 
"  let  alone,"  and  if  crossed  is  apt  to  say 
so.  There  is  a  stir  of  real  ambition,  a 
desire  for  freedom,  which  makes  his  breast 
swell  and  his  heart  beat  impatiently 
against  his  fetters.  It  is  now  that  he  is 
galled  by  the  sense  of  constant  oversight, 


LET  THEM  GROW.  199 

that  he  does  not  like  to  feel  himself  an 
object  of  solicitude.  Petting  is  obnoxious, 
because  it  is  a  reminder  of  babyhood. 
Mothers  are  often  much  hurt  at  the  re- 
buffs of  their  tenderness  about  this  time. 
Particularly  where  there  are  only  two 
children  at  most  in  the  family,  in  which 
case  they  are  kept  infants  because  parents 
cannot  bear  to  lose  their  babies.  This  is 
a  very  common  sentiment  and  held  to  be 
meritorious.  "  I  want  to  keep  my  child 
a  baby  as  long  as  I  can,"  a  mother  de- 
clares, looking  with  aversion  upon  the 
parent  who  permits  to  his  child  the  free- 
dom essential  to  his  healthy  growth.  But 
this  is  not  affection,  it  is  sentimentality, 
and  grounded  upon  the  real  dogmatic, 
egotistical  instinct.  He  must  have  a 
narrow  mind  and  a  feeble  conception  of 
his  duties  who  thinks  that  the  only  way 
to  preserve  children's  innocence  is  to  keep 
them  in  a  state  of  profound  ignorance 
concerning  life.  They  have  a  right  to 
comprehend  that  which  concerns  them 
while  it  can  be  taught  from  the  right 
standpoint.  The  "  knowledge  of  good  and 
evil  "  is  a  defense  or  a  snare,  according  to 


200  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

the  way  in  which  it  is  imparted.  And 
the  time  for  putting  this  power  in  our 
children's  own  hands  is  when  they  mani- 
fest the  first  signs  of  being  ready  for  it. 

Guarding  them  still  without  effusive 
display,  from  contact  with  evil,  we  ought, 
as  the  age  of  reason  arrives,  to  acquaint 
them  with  those  profound  truths  the 
understanding  of  which  brings  a  heavy 
but  inevitable  responsibility.  What  right 
have  we  to  retard  the  moral  and  mental 
growth  of  our  children,  any  more  than 
to  prevent  their  physical  growth  ?  "  My 
guardian  is  so  tyrannical,"  laments  some 
hero  of  a  juvenile  tale,  "  that  if  he  had 
taken  a  notion  that  I  ought  to  be  tall  he 
would  have  hung  me  up  to  the  ceiling 
with  weights  to  my  heels!"  Equally 
tyrannical  is  the  attempt  to  suppress  the 
evidence  of  those  early  feeble  efforts  of 
the  young  soul  to  enter  upon  its  rightful 
relations  with  the  universe.  Instead  of 
being  ridiculed  they  should  be  treated 
with  profound  respect.  We  ought  to  let 
our  children  grow  up  as  fast  as  they  will, 
and  rather  rejoice  than  lament  over  signs 
of  advancing  maturity. 


THE  CHILD'S  POSSESSIONS.         201 

One  of  the  early  indications  of  the 
sense  of  personality  in  the  child  is  his 
desire  for  privacy.  Now  he  withdraws 
himself  slightly  from  the  family,  and  has 
little  secrets  and  makes  little  plans. 
If  he  has  a  propensity  for  scribbling  he 
keeps  journals  which  with  characteristic 
confidingness  he  leaves  about  the  house. 
It  outrages  his  sense  of  propriety  when 
some  one  reads  his  papers,  and  why 
should  it  not  ?  The  child's  possessions 
ought  always  to  be  inviolate.  He  learns 
a  sense  of  property  through  possessing 
toys  of  his  own.  There  is  no  greater 
wrong  than  forcibly  taking  away  some- 
thing that  belongs  to  him  and  giving  it 
away  to  some  one  else.  Many  good 
parents  commit  this  robbery  to  teach  the 
child  to  be  unselfish  !  It  rather  sets  him 
the  example  of  stealing.  And  just  as  we 
respect  his  rights  to  his  toys  we  ought  to 
respect  his  rights  to  his  ideas,  and  permit 
him  liberty  of  thought.  Cannot  some  one 
recollect  some  incident  in  his  own  past 
life  when  his  face  was  made  to  burn  and 
his  heart  to  beat  almost  to  suffocation,  by 
having  some  inconsiderate  grown  person 


202  MURSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

haul  up  to  the  light  a  little  secret  he  had 
fondly  cherished  and  taken  pride  in  as 
his  very  own  ? 

They  are  innocent,  for  the  most  part. 
A  few  pages  of  a  wildly  imaginative 
romance,  the  beginnings  of  an  ambitious 
invention  which  is  to  revolutionize  indus- 
tries ;  perhaps  a  note-book  of  signs  for  a 
new  language,  which  is  something  par- 
ticularly attractive  to  a  certain  class  of 
bright  children.  They  like  to  establish 
secret  societies,  and  get  up  ciphers  as  a 
means  of  private  communication.  Their 
projects,  while  founded  generally  upon 
the  institutions  that  surround  them,  have 
a  certain  air  of  the  unique,  because  while 
still  imitative,  they  are  no  longer  slavishly 
so,  preferring  to  do  things  in  their  own 
way.  But  constant  experimenting  brings 
constant  surprises  and  disappointments. 
The  seething,  bubbling  spirit  of  restless- 
ness leads  to  rash  enterprises  and  the 
little  hero  finds  himself  wound  up  in  the 
coil  spun  by  his  own  originality.  But  in 
this  way  he  learns  the  use  of  his  powers. 
All  the  experience  he  gets  in  childhood  is 
so  much  capital  for  maturity.  What  he 


THE  TRANSITION  PERIOD.  203 

suffers  now  in  a  small  way  he  may  be  saved 
from  suffering  some  day  in  a  larger  way. 
Happy  are  those  children  who  are  allowed 
to  mingle  freely  with  each  other  and  make 
a  miniature  community  for  themselves, 
planning,  acting,  making  their  own  rules 
and  regulating  each  other's  conduct 
according  to  their  own  ideas  of  justice. 
All  this  is  play,  but  it  has  far-reaching 
consequences  in  its  effects  upon  character. 
Only  those  who  have  been  accustomed 
early  to  freedom  can  rightly  use  it,  and 
those  who  have  been  obliged  to  weigh  and 
balance  questions  and  make  decisions 
gain  accuracy  and  steadiness  of  judgment, 
and  are  far  less  liable  to  unfortunate 
mistakes  than  persons  who  have  been 
always  over-restrained  and  over-advised. 
We  make  unnecessarily  hard  this  period 
of  life  which  is  in  itself  the  most  trying 
time  in  all  our  existence.  The  transition 
period  between  the  docility  of  infancy  and 
the  independence  of  youth  is  peculiarly 
uncomfortable  both  to  the  parents  and 
the  child  himself.  He  now  really  knows 
nothing  while  aspiring  to  know  every- 
thing. He  is  swayed  by  contradictory 


2  04  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

impulses  and  perplexed  by  the  ever-chang- 
ing relations  matters  present  to  his  limited 
reasoning  powers.  At  one  time  he  is  loud 
in  his  confident  assertions,  at  the  next, 
rebuffed  and  discouraged,  he  withdraws 
into  the  depths  of  his  own  consciousness 
and  is  inclined  to  be  skeptical  of  every- 
thing. 

Corresponding  to  this  mental  state  of 
the  child  is  the  condition  of  the  parents. 
They  see  with  surprise  and  concern  a 
weakening  of  their  authority,  and  are 
accused  of  rigor  while  exercising  their 
natural  prerogative  of  government.  But 
let  them  consider.  Vicarious  government 
— the  rule  of  one  individual  over  another, 
is,  in  the  economy  of  nature,  a  temporary 
makeshift,  to  be  pursued  only  until  such 
time  as  the  weaker  party  shall  have  gained 
self-possession  enough  to  manage  his  own 
affairs.  In  infancy  government  is  abso- 
lute because  the  young  creature  is  abso- 
lutely helpless.  Day  by  day  the  helpless- 
ness diminishes,  and  so,  too,  should  the 
coercion  lessen  day  by  day.  When  the 
baby  can  creep  alone,  shorten  his  frocks 
and  give  him  the  freedom  of  the  floor ; 


ARTIFICIAL  RESTRAINTS.  205 

when  he  can  run  let  him  go  at  will.  It  is 
only  our  artificial  civilization  which  neces- 
sitates artificial  restraints,  and  bearing  in 
mind  that  they  are  unnatural,  they  should 
be  made  as  few  as  possible.  Stairs  in 
houses  suggest  protective  lattices  to  keep 
the  baby  from  precipitating  himself  from 
top  to  bottom,  and  the  presence  of  mir- 
rors and  ornaments  make  it  advisable  to 
keep  out  of  the  way  anything  capable  of 
being  used  as  a  missile.  Now,  we  mix  up 
every  where,  the  ideas  of  government  which 
is  protective  of  the  child  and  that  which 
is  protective  of  our  own  privileges  and 
property,  until  often  the  real  aim  of  gov- 
ernment is  lost  in  thoughtless  every-day 
usages.  Through  subjecting  his  conduct 
to  surveillance  for  the  sake  of  our  own 
pleasure  and  profit  we  fall  into  the  habit 
of  extending  this  restraint  far  beyond  its 
natural  limits  of  age. 

As  fast  as  a  child  grows  wise  enough 
to  substitute  self-rule  for  the  restrictions 
imposed  by  others  he  earns  independence 
and  takes  his  place  in  the  world  as  a  factor. 
Our  training  should  be  progressive,  so 
that  the  truth  learned  one  day  may  be  the 


2  06  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

starting  point  for  higher  knowledge  after- 
wards. Dogmatical  prohibitions  avail 
nothing  but  to  put  a  stop  to  specific  acts, 
but  teaching  a  child  to  reason  out  the  use 
and  beauty  of  right  conduct  means  put- 
ting in  his  hands  the  torch-light  of  virtue 
which  will  light  the  dark  paths  he  must 
traverse  in  future.  It  is  principles  which 
sink  deeply  into  the  mind  and  are  long 
remembered.  The  moral  lesson  conveyed 
by  the  apt  and  happy  illustration  of  a  wide, 
all-embracing  truth  in  a  manner  revolu- 
tionizes thought  and  influences  all  opin- 
ions that  are  touched  by  it.  Children  can 
be  taught  much  through  the  reading  of 
history  and  biography,  and,  even  undi- 
rected, they  acquire  through  these  studies, 
many  predispositions  and  views  that  be- 
come unalterable. 

Our  primary  duty  is  to  encourage  our 
children  to  think  for  themselves.  Throw 
upon  them,  as  soon  as  they  are  capable 
of  understanding  it,  the  responsibility  of 
choice.  No  fear  but  that  they  will  learn 
far  more  and  with  less  evil  consequences, 
than  if  we  kept  them  in  leading  strings. 
Reproaches  should  never  be  multiplied. 


TRUST  TO  TIME,  207 

Let  them  bear  their  own  fruit.  When 
love  and  wisdom  have  dictated  our  words 
we  may  safely  trust  to  time  to  develop  all 
the  potency  of  their  influence.  If  to-day 
we  correct  our  child  for  stoning  a  cat,  to- 
morrow he  refrains  in  obedience  to  our 
wishes  ;  but  next  year,  having  observed 
the  evil  effects  of  cruelty  to  animals,  he 
determines  of  his  own  accord  to  treat  his 
dog  and  pony  with  peculiar  gentleness, 
because  sympathy  and  reason  have  been 
at  work  in  his  mind  and  he  has  evolved 
for  himself  a  permanent  rule  of  conduct. 
And  he  has  gained  so  much  poise  and 
independence,  and  needs  so  much  the 
less  guidance  and  restraint. 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

GROWTH   IN   SELF-GOVERNMENT. 

"  The  control  of  parents  over  children  is  based  solely 
upon  the  parents'  duty  to  educate  them.  This  duty  of 
education  is  established  by  nature  and  guaranteed  by 
the  state.  To  consider  the  children  as  property  of  the 
parents  is  absurd.  When  the  education  ceases  the 
child  becomes  free.  Parents  should  constantly  in- 
crease the  freedom  of  the  child  during  its  education." 

— FICHTE. 

HP  HE  more  highly  specialized  the  in- 
dividual the  more  general  and  less 
stringent  becomes  the  external  govern- 
ment. Authority  is  supposed  to  act  as 
a  kind  of  conscience  for  ignorant  minds, 
and  its  reason  for  being  is  only  in  the  in- 
capacity of  the  person  so  ruled.  The  life 
of  an  individual  must  be  looked  upon  as 
a  continuous  adjustment  of  his  physical 
and  mental  powers  to  his  environment. 
When  he  first  comes  into  the  world  he 

is,  as  it  were,  fast-bound,  all  his  faculties 

208 


RESPECT  GROWING  POWERS.        209 

imprisoned,  all  activities  prevented  by 
the  officers  of  order  who  represent  its 
interests.  Little  by  little,  the  powers  of 
perception  and  understanding  grow  with- 
in him,  and  little  by  little  the  iron  bonds 
of  restraint  are  loosed,  until  with  matur- 
ity of  mind  the  last  link  slips  away  and 
he  stands  fully  evolved,  a  free  man  with 
only  his  conscience  for  his  king. 

The  entire  education  of  a  child  from 
birth  should  have  in  view  this  assumption 
of  self-government.  Just  as  we  permit 
him  to  use  his  muscles  as  he  acquires 
control  of  them  we  should  respect  his 
growing  mental  powers  and  resign  our 
authority  in  each  instance  when  he  shows 
that  he  has  attained  judgment  enough  to 
decide  any  question  of  conduct  correctly. 
It  is  not  unusual  for  parents,  too  careless 
to  acquaint  themselves  with  even  the  most 
ordinary  facts  relating  to  growth,  to 
keep  their  children  physically  helpless. 
A  baby  will  be  fed,  if  he  has  a  nurse,  to 
prevent  his  soiling  his  clothes  or  the  table- 
cloth. He  will  be  kept  in  his  carriage  to 
"  keep  him  out  of  mischief,"  and  in  fact, 
allowed  to  do  nothing  for  himself  lest  he 
14 


2 1  o  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

should  do  it  wrong.  "  He  can't  do  it — 
wait  till  he  knows  how,"  are  the  objec- 
tions made.  Is  this  rational  ?  How  is 
he  to  learn  how  except  through  doing  it 
wrong  many  times  over  ?  If  some  of  the 
officious  kindnesses  people  lavish  on 
children  were  probed  for  motives,  it  would 
be  found  often  that  they  so  act  to  save 
themselves  trouble.  Indeed,  there  is  not 
infrequently  some  frank  avowal  of  this 
sort.  "  It  is  a  great  deal  easier  to  do  it 
myself  than  to  teach  John  or  Dolly  the 
right  way,"  confesses  some  mother,  while 
dispensing  with  proffered  help.  Easier, 
no  doubt,  but  a  wrong  to  the  child, 
nevertheless.  There  are  little  ones  of  two 
years  whose  muscles  are  so  weak  from 
lack  of  exercise  that  they  totter  uncer- 
tainly on  their  feet,  and  cannot  hold  a 
fork  or  spoon  with  any  precision  in  their 
baby  fingers.  Because  their  uncertain 
motions  make  it  disagreeable  to  be  near 
them  they  are  not  allowed  to  handle 
things.  This  is  keeping  a  child  a  slave 
to  our  convenience  and  comfort.  Strength 
of  muscle,  nicety  of  touch,  only  come 
with  free  exercise.  And  the  same  rule  is 


CUL  TIVA  TE  JUDGMENT.  2 1 1 

applicable  to  mental  development  and  to 
conduct.  We  should  recollect  this  when 
we  are  inclined  to  interfere  and  decide 
questions  the  deciding  which  for  them- 
selves would  be  valuable  as  an  education. 
Of  all  the  multitude  of  things  we  have 
been  taught  during  our  lives  how  much  do 
we  recollect  ?  Inquiry  would  reveal  the 
fact  that  the  information  which  has 
obtained  a  permanent  hold  upon  our 
minds  is  that  which  has  been  related  to 
action.  Particularly,  to  independent  and 
chosen  action.  It  is  the  duty  of  a  parent 
to  let  a  child  crystallize  his  impressions 
into  knowledge  :  let  him  act  out  his 
beliefs  and  find  whether  they  are  worth 
anything.  Make  judges  and  jurymen  of 
the  tots  in  the  nursery,  and  do  not  laugh 
when  they  screw  their  innocent  faces  into 
an  expression  of  droll  gravity  and  seem  to 
have  the  weight  of  an  awful  responsibility 
upon  their  shoulders.  There  is  the  greatest 
difference  between  children  in  the  growth 
of  capacity  for  self-control.  Some  spring 
boldly  along,  making  mistakes  without 
losing  their  self-confidence,  keeping  up 
their  courage  and  hope  and  gaining  ground 


212  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

with  every  experience.  While  others 
remain  timid  and  vacillating  beyond  the 
age  of  adolescence,  and  seem  to  shrink 
from  the  responsibility  of  making 
decisions.  Dispositions  of  this  sort  ought 
to  be  imbued  with  courage,  not  injudi- 
ciously shielded.  When  it  is  a  native 
tendency  every  pains  should  be  taken  to 
arouse  ambition  and  ardor,  else  the  timid 
child  will  grow  up  into  the  weak,  incapable 
adult,  selected  apparently  for  every 
species  of  "  bad  luck "  incapables  fall 
heir  to.  How  unhappy  are  such  natures 
when  they  are  confronted,  as  they 
inevitably  will  be,  sooner  or  later,  with  a 
crisis  requiring  prompt  and  decided  action, 
and  where  weal  or  woe  will  depend  entirely 
upon  their  ability  to  make  a  wise  judg- 
ment. 

It  will  appear  that  the  habit  some 
parents  have  of  praising  and  encouraging 
a  tendency  toward  moral  laziness  must 
have  the  effect  of  weakening  that  fiber 
which  can  only  reach  its  proper  strength 
by  measuring  itself  against  difficulties. 
Self-willed  and  energetic  parents,  and  par- 
ticularly those  in  whom  vanity  is  great, 


SELF-WILLED  PARENTS.  213 

ordinarily  manifest  an  overwhelming  fond- 
ness for  the  offspring  whose  weakness 
offers  least  opposition  to  their  rule.  And 
they  will  deduce  the  most  singularly  short- 
sighted and  illogical  arguments  to  defend 
a  method  of  training  which  is  based  alto- 
gether upon  the  long-exploded  fallacy 
that  parental  authority  is  a  divine  right, 
to  be  exercised  without  restriction  or 
reason.  Such  a  parent  remarked  to  the 
author  with  a  fierce  emphasis  sufficiently 
indicating  the  all-pervading  egotism  of 
which  she  was  the  hopeless  and  uncon- 
scious subject :  "  I  don't  want  my  daughters 
to  budge  without  consulting  me."  And 
as  a  matter  of  fact  her  growing  girls  were 
utterly  helpless  in  all  the  minor  affairs  of 
life  in  knowledge  of  which  a  child  of  ten 
should  have  graduated.  They  could  not 
so  much  as  change  a  gown  or  alter  the 
disposition  of  a  piece  of  furniture  with- 
out leave.  The  mother,  a  singular  com- 
pound of  ignorance,  vanity,  aggressive 
conscientiousness,  and  tyrannical  self-as- 
sertion, completely  dominated  every  feeble 
sign  of  individuality  as  it  peeped  forth, 
and  covered  with  her  spreading  maternal 


2 1 4  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

wings  these  fledglings  whom  she  so  per- 
sistently prevented  from  achieving  their 
natural  independence. 

It  is  not  in  intellectual  jails  that  human 
beings  gain  self-knowledge  and  the  ability 
to  formulate  definite  purposes.  This 
ability  constitutes  the  great  distinction  be- 
tween workers  and  idlers  ;  between  the 
persons  destined  to  add  something 
to  the  world's  wealth  and  those  whose 
career  is  that  of  the  leech,  the  de- 
pendent, docile  enough,  perhaps  provok- 
ingly  humble  and  meek,  but  a  drag  upon 
the  wheels  of  progress,  and  a  torment  to 
those  active  organisms  of  which  they  be- 
come the  satellites.  Not  in  homes  where 
the  straps  that  hold  baby  to  his  crib  and 
chair  become,  as  he  grows  older,  cables  to 
anchor  his  intelligence  to  the  parental 
fiat,  and  to  bind  his  free  choice  by  the 
thongs  of  traditional  influences,  not  in 
such  an  environment  flourishes  the  bright, 
brave,  enterprising  character  which  is  the 
average  type  of  our  age  and  country. 
But  in  that  atmosphere  most  favorable  to 
its  healthy  unfolding,  where  parents  are 
capable  of  taking  in  the  conception  of  a 


SELF-HELPFULNESS.  2 1 5 

broad  humanity,  and  recognizing  that  the 
tie  between  themselves  and  their  children 
is  only  part  of  that  more  general  and  not 
less  stringent  relation  existing  between 
their  children  and  society, — will  all  that  is 
strong  and  beautiful  take  root  in  young 
souls  and  expand  into  symmetrical  ma- 
turity. Here  the  baby  shows,  as  he 
handles  his  belongings  and  responds  to 
the  overtures  of  his  elder  playmates,  that 
self-possession  which  surprises  thought- 
less on-lookers.  Here  the  toddling  mites, 
just  learning  to  walk  and  talk,  are  self- 
helpful,  a  comfort  to  nurses  and  parents. 
And  here,  at  the  age  of  eight  or  ten,  they 
manifest  such  good-sense  that  they  may 
be  safely  trusted  to  take  care  of  them- 
selves in  minor  matters,  and  by  the  time 
they  are  twelve  or  fourteen  authority  is 
an  obsolete  quantity,  and  influence  alone 
can  be  depended  upon  to  aid  them  in  such 
affairs  as  are  yet  beyond  their  range  of 
experience  and  reason. 

Some  women  are  possessed  of  that  un- 
happy disposition  which  has  an  absolute 
distrust  of  the  competency  of  any  creat- 
ure other  than  themselves.  A  woman 


2 1 6  MURSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

of  this  kind,  grumbling  and  groaning 
under  self-imposed  burdens,  will  compel 
every  one  about  her  to  sit  still  and  be 
waited  upon.  She  officiously  puts  to 
rights  belongings  their  owners  have  left 
temporarily  in  disorder,  watches  every 
chance  to  embarrass  people  by  unwished- 
for  assistance  and  makes  herself  trouble 
most  unnecessarily,  yet  which  it  seems 
ungrateful  not  to  thank  her  for.  In  a 
household  of  children  such  a  well-mean- 
ing person  may  become  a  haunting  terror. 
She  follows  up  their  footsteps  and  over- 
sees every  trivial  act.  A  heavy  sense 
of  responsibility  concerning  the  acts  of 
others,  possessed  by  one  determined 
inmate,  may  contrive  to  dull  the  moral 
sensibilities  of  an  entire  family.  No  one 
likes  to  be  rendered  passive  and  be  laid 
under  an  obligation  of  gratitude  for  the 
deprivation  of  their  normal  independence  ! 
Grown  persons  resent  it.  Children  writhe 
under  it. 

"  Let  us  go  off  by  ourselves,"  they  may 
well  pray.  "  Let  us  cease  to  be  things, 
and  be  human  beings,"  they  might  plead, 
if  they  were  able  to  interpret  and  express 


EXPERIMENTING.  217 

their  own  feelings.  The  cognition  of  ob- 
jects as  they  exist  when  we  first  see  them 
gives  us  those  definite  impressions  which 
need  to  be  voluntarily  combined  and  ar- 
ranged before  there  comes  any  knowledge 
available  for  everyday  use.  This  power 
to  combine  and  compare  is  the  most  valu- 
able faculty  of  the  mind.  It  is  essential 
that  it  be  exercised  unrestrainedly ;  by 
each  person  for  himself.  If  the  exercise 
is  by  the  manipulating  of  objects  we  call  it 
experimenting,  and  if  only  dealing  with 
ideas,  reasoning.  Experimenting  comes 
first  in  the  natural  order  of  develop- 
ment. The  child  handles  everything  and 
must  put  objects  in  actual  position  before 
he  can  comprehend  their  relative  uses  and 
properties.  Now,  just  as  he  gains  definite 
knowledge  of  the  laws  of  matter  by  being 
left  free  to  manage  matter,  so,  he  gains 
power  to  reason  by  being  thrown  upon 
his  own  mental  resources  and  obliged  to 
put  his  vague  ideas  to  the  test  of  practice. 
Of  the  two  ways  of  gaining  knowledge  : 
being  told,  and  finding  out,  the  latter  is 
incalculably  the  better.  It  is  impossible 
to  make  an  impression  upon  the  mind  of 


2 1 8  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

another  unless  we  address  his  personal 
feelings  and  his  intelligence.  We  cannot 
manipulate  another  person's  mental  ma- 
chinery to  his  own  advantage,  we  can 
only  suggest  a  course  or  an  idea,  and  let 
nature  do  the  rest. 

Parents  should  make  it  their  constant 
aim  to  educate  the  judgment  of  their 
children,  so  that  from  year  to  year  they 
may  become  more  and  more  capable  of 
perceiving  the  true  relations  of  things  and 
able  to  extricate  truth  from  its  overlying 
mass  of  fabrication  and  fancy.  In  early 
life  the  imagination  is  so  active  that  it 
presents  vivid  pictures  liable  to  be  con- 
fused with  actualities.  Little  children, 
like  savages,  think  that  shadows  have  in- 
dependent existence.  The  image  in  the 
water,  the  projection  on  the  wall  furnish 
to  their  excited  fancy  living  images  which 
make  their  dreams  seem  real,  and  the 
vague  suggestions  made  by  the  floating 
clouds,  the  flying  white  papers  on  a  lonely 
road,  and  the  dusky  drapery  over  a  chair- 
back,  round  themselves  out  into  complete 
pictures  which  at  once  allure  and  terrify. 
There  is  a  period  in  the  life  of  a  fanciful 


ABSENT-MINDEDNESS.  219 

child  when  it  is  well-nigh  impossible  for 
him  to  give  an  accurate  description  of 
an  occurrence.  He  believes  that  that 
really  happened  which  he  only  appre- 
hended or  conceived  ought  to  happen. 
Dreams  frequently  confuse  him  and 
pursue  him  far  into  the  day.  If  much 
alone  he  is  apt,  too,  to  fall  into  a  habit  of 
day-dreaming,  so  that  while  walking  about 
with  every  outward  semblance  of  ordinary 
activity,  he  may  be  the  mere  mechanical 
agent  of  habits  pursued  while  his  mind  is 
totally  withdrawn  into  a  mysterious,  un- 
real realm.  This  leads  to  "  mind-wander- 
ing," "  absent-mindedness,"  etc.,  and 
breaks  up  the  power  of  fixed  attention 
to  immediate  duties.  But  when  the  habit 
has  become  confirmed  it  is  not  judicious 
to  break  it  up  suddenly  and  harshly.  The 
effects  of  any  forcible  interruption  of  the 
mental  processes  may  be  dangerous.  Phys- 
ical activity  and  liberty  of  action  are  the 
remedies.  Little  slaves  dream  much. 
And  wherever  children  have  been  sup- 
pressed and  the  natural  unfolding  of  their 
reasoning  powers  aborted  we  may  ex- 
pect displays  of  inconsistency,  irration- 


220  NUKSER  Y  E THICS. 

ality,  and,  in  after  life,  weakness  and  ir- 
resolution where  there  ought  to  be  firm- 
ness. What  is  the  most  obvious  failing 
of  the  ordinary  man  or  woman?  Poor 
judgment.  Inability  to  weigh  the  value 
of  testimony  and  form  conclusions  based 
upon  a  just  consideration  of  all  the  data 
at  hand.  Hamilton  observes  that  it  is 
suicidal  to  distrust  the  evidence  of  our 
faculties.  But  evidence  depends  upon 
the  normal  condition  of  perception.  Per- 
ceptiveness  may  be  blunted  and  dulled  in 
early  life  so  as  to  be  too  sluggish  and 
unsound  to  transmit  correct  impressions. 
Or,  even  the  bright,  active  mind,  alive  to 
details,  may  have  relapsed  into  a  mere 
registrar  of  isolated  facts,  through  denial 
of  liberty  to  compare  and  generalize.  Of 
all  the  things  people  suppose  themselves 
to  be  familiar  with,  the  most  important 
one  receives  the  least  attention.  Human 
nature  is  the  great  book  of  which  all 
other  sciences  and  arts  are  mere  volumes. 
To  understand  the  laws  of  life  is  to  be 
furnished  with  the  key  to  unlock  the  door 
in  the  palace  of  destiny.  How  little  we 
know  of  one  another,  how  incorrectly  we 


INSIGHT.  221 

read  the  outward  signs  of  those  emotions 
that  are  stirring  the  hearts  of  our  friends 
and  enemies  and  that  will  re-act  most 
powerfully  in  another  moment  either 
against  us  or  in  our  favor. 

To  be  able  to  read  character  is  to  be 
wise  against  the  day  of  ill  to  come,  and  to 
be  possessed  of  power  to  help  and  defend 
the  weak  and  ignorant  against  the  unfor- 
tunate consequences  of  their  own  follies. 
But  the  student  of  character,  the  man  or 
woman  possessed  of  insight  to  detect  and 
ability  to  turn  to  account  the  impulses  to 
action,  must  be  a  good  reasoner  as  well  as 
a  keen  observer.  Neither  predispositions 
nor  prejudices  must  blind  him,  but  the 
cool  logic  of  an  imperturbable  self-control 
must  accompany  and  dominate  both  his 
sympathies  and  his  wishes.  The  scien- 
tific study  of  human  nature  is  being  more 
attended  to  in  the  present  age,  and  it 
must  be  the  chief  and  choice  pursuit  of 
the  more  cultured  future.  And  while  to 
this  pursuit  must  be  brought  the  fullest 
measure  of  enlightenment  and  vigor  of 
which  the  mind  is  capable,  it  is  only 
through  the  cultivation  of  our  highest 


222  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

faculties  and  their  exercise  in  early  life 
upon  common  subjects  that  we  shall  ever 
be  able  to  attain  to  this  consummation  of 
power. 

Says  Faraday,  in  a  lecture  delivered 
before  the  Royal  Institution  of  Great 
Britain : 

"  Claiming,  then,  the  use  of  the  ordi- 
nary faculties  of  the  mind  in  ordinary 
things,  let  me  next  endeavor  to  point 
out  what  appears  to  me  to  be  a  great 
deficiency  in  the  exercise  of  the  mental 
powers  in  every  direction.  Three  words 
will  express  this  want — deficiency  of  judg- 
ment. I  do  not  wish  to  make  any  start- 
ling assertions,  but  I  know  that  in  physical 
matters  multitudes  are  ready  to  draw  con- 
clusions who  have  little  or  no  power  of 
judgment  in  the  case;  that  the  same  is 
true  in  other  departments  of  knowledge  ; 
and  that,  generally,  mankind  is  willing  to 
leave  the  faculties  which  relate  to  the 
judgment  almost  entirely  uneducated  and 
their  decisions  at  the  mercy  of  ignorance, 
prepossessions,  the  passions,  or  even  acci- 
dent." 

Are  not  parents   responsible   in   great 


INDEPENDENCE.  223 

part  for  a  defect  so  wide-spread  and 
glaring  ?  Does  not  the  suppression  of 
curiosity,  the  contempt  bestowed  upon 
early  attempts  to  reason,  and  the  pro- 
longed exercise  of  an  arbitrary  gov- 
ernment dull  the  faculties  of  youth  and 
prevent  the  development  of  the  highest 
and  most  important  one  of  them — the 
judgment? 

In  their  anxiety,  often  in  their  tender 
solicitude,  parents  forget  that  they  and 
their  offspring  are  separable  units,  that 
the  time  must  arrive,  as  with  the  polyp, 
when  the  young  will  detach  itself  from 
the 'parent  stem  and  go  floating  away  on 
the  ocean  of  life  to  thrive  or  perish  on  its 
own  merits.  Mere  commands,  directions 
to  avoid  this  danger,  to  embrace  that 
opportunity,  will  never  hold  against  an 
adverse  inclination  in  the  youth  old 
enough  to  judge  for  himself.  How  will 
it  be  with  him,  then,  if  he  breaks  away 
from  authority  with  a  heart  seething  with 
suppressed  impulses,  a  will  weak  through 
lack  of  exercise,  a  judgment  totally  un- 
educated and  incapable  of  independent 
exertion  ? 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

THE     EVOLUTION      OF      PERSONAL     CON- 
SCIENCE. 

"  True  progress  requires  study  of  the  wisdom  of  the 
race  to  develop  the  humanities ;  and  counter  movement 
of  study  of  science,  which  develops  individuality."— 
DOVE. 

'T'HE  function  of  parental  government 
is  to  protect  the  child  and  prepare 
it  for  independent  life.  This  view  of 
parental  duty  which  it  has  been  the 
object  of  the  author  to  keep  constantly 
in  sight  throughout  the  foregoing  chap- 
ters involves  the  admission  that  there 
is  in  every  child  an  inalienable  right  of 
choice  for  a  certain  kind  of  conduct 
over  another  kind.  Evolution  of  char- 
acter proceeds  along  both  a  general  and 
a  special  path,  the  general  path  harmo- 
nizing with  the  average  tendencies  of  the 
species,  of  the  family,  and  of  the  period ; 

but  the  special  path  leading  to  those  de- 

224 


THE  BASIS  OF  GOVERNMENT.       225 

viations  and  eccentricities  which  mark  out 
the  organism  as  something  existing  by 
itself,  unlike  anything  else,  and  ruled  by 
a  mental  bias  seemingly  self-created,  so 
far  does  it  carry  him  away  from  the  regu- 
lation pattern  conceived  as  proper  to  his 
antecedents  and  surroundings. 

It  must  be  apparent  that  authority  can 
only  have  jurisdiction  over  the  general,  not 
the  special,  tendency  of  the  individual.  It 
exists  for  the  purpose  of  bringing  him  into 
those  relations  with  society  occupied  by 
an  average  man,  for  the  purpose  of  giving 
him  that  degree  of  enlightenment  concern- 
ing laws  and  customs  which  shall  make 
self-control  expedient  and  criminality 
avoidable.  He  must  be  taught  what  it 
is  essential  to  do  and  what  not  to  do  in 
order  to  maintain  his  own  personal  free- 
dom and  seek  his  own  happiness,  consist- 
ently with  respecting  the  right  to  free- 
dom 'and  happiness  possessed  by  all  other 
members  of  the  community.  The  moral 
law,  as  accepted  from  the  ancient  statutes 
called  the  "  Ten  Commandments,"  by  all 
civilized  nations,  and  made  the  basis  of 
civil  government,  should  be  expounded 
'5 


326  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

and  the  same  degree  of  obedience  to  them 
enforced  that  will  be  enforced  by  legal 
authority  when  he  enters  the  world.  This 
obligation  is  one  that  will  be  binding  upon 
him  through  life  and  that  is  susceptible 
to  no  change  or  mitigation.  It  is  there- 
fore, permanent ;  not  the  outcome  of 
caprice,  chance,  nor  the  preference  of  his 
advisers.  An  anchor,  ever  at  hand  to 
keep  his  restless  barque  safe  in  port,  is 
that  firm  conviction,  which,  implanted 
early  in  life,  stays  to  the  end  ;  that  justice 
is  the  undying  universal  moral  principle 
which  no  one  can  controvert  without  self- 
destruction. 

So,  to  general  relations,  as  being  the 
only  permanent  ones,  should  be  directed 
the  efforts  of  the  guardians  of  the  young. 
Is  this  done  ?  Must  it  not  be  admitted 
that  the  most  of  our  teaching,  of  our  ad- 
monitions, are  devoted  to  those  special 
relations,  comparatively  transitory,  and 
that  special  conduct,  comparatively  unim- 
portant because  dictated  by  occasions  not 
likely  to  last,  which  concerns  not  parents, 
teachers,  nor  the  community,  but  the 
individual  himself,  and  over  which,  conse- 


MORAL  EDUCATION.  227 

quently,  he  should  be  permitted  personal 
control  ? 

If  this  is  so,  it  affords  an  explanation 
why,  in  the  training  of  the  young,  confu- 
sion, trouble,  and  discouragement  are  the 
rule,  not  the  exception.  If,  instead  of 
employing  our  authority  in  the  way  nature 
intended  it  to  be  employed,  we  distort  it 
to  unnatural  uses,  how  can  any  other  result 
ensue  than  despair  to  the  parent  and  injury 
to  the  child?  Commonly,  the  entrance 
into  life  is  the  beginning  of  a  warfare 
with  those  whose  duty  is  protection,  not 
aggression.  Misconceiving  their  respon- 
sibilities, they  make  moral  education  con- 
sist almost  wholly  in  the  teaching  of  those 
minor  subjects  which  concern  themselves, 
and  leave  out  those  all-embracing  eth- 
ical principles  which  concern  humanity. 
Nearly  all  the  instruction  a  child  receives 
is  in  regard  to  those  little  acts  which,  from 
hour  to  hour,  affect  the  convenience  of  his 
family.  And  particularly  is  there  strict 
surveillance  exercised  over  the  least  of  his 
doings  which  differ  in  any  respect  from 
the  ordinary  conduct  of  his  associates. 
The  very  unlikeness  which  constitutes  his 


228  NURSER  Y  E  THICS. 

personality  is  held  to  be  an  offense.  He 
is  chided  for  proclivities  which  are  odd, 
for  habits  which  are  the  outcome  of  his 
original  impulses.  Originality  is  in  fact 
the  point  of  contention  between  his  guard- 
ians and  him  ;  and  yet  with  his  originality 
they  have  nothing  to  do.  That  is  a  matter 
out  of  their  province.  And  whatever 
efforts  they  make  will  be  attended  with 
but  little  success,  for  nature  takes  care 
not  to  be  wholly  thwarted,  and  confers 
sufficient  impetus  with  every  trait  to 
enable  the  possessor  to  struggle  for  its 
preservation. 

But  the  struggle  may  be  embittering, 
as  it  certainly  is  unwise  and  unnecessary. 
The  harmonious  relations  natural  between 
parent  and  child  may  be  converted  into 
hostility  wearing  upon  both,  through  the 
attempt  to  accomplish  the  impossible. 
Suppose  that  the  lower  species  were  im- 
bued with  the  obstinate  disposition  to 
oppose  in  their  offspring  all  tendencies  to 
variations?  What  mad  combats  would 
take  place,  how  progress  would  have  been 
impeded !  But  man  alone,  of  all  the 
animals,  makes  the  rearing  of  his  young 


NATURAL  METHODS.  229 

a  training  in  all  those  temporary  and  con- 
ventional customs  that  are  the  accompani- 
ment of  his  caprices,  instead  of  an  educa- 
tion of  those  faculties  essential  to  his 
existence  as  a  being,  and  a  mere  guidance 
in  that  matter  of  individual  preference 
which  concerns  his  personal  develop- 
ment. 

And  man  alone  makes  a  failure  of  gov- 
erning his  offspring.  For  the  reason  that 
his  government  is  an  interference  with 
nature.  He  can,  therefore,  only  make  it 
a  success  by  returning  to  natural  methods. 
In  a  few  words  these  may  be  thus  in- 
dicated. In  great  and  permanent  matters, 
restraint ;  in  little  and  transient  matters, 
liberty.  In  all  cases,  restraint  only  during 
the  period  of  ignorance  and  irresponsi- 
bility, and  a  removal  of  it  when  reason 
has  been  attained. 

The  doctrine  here  advocated,  of  per- 
mitting children  all  possible  freedom  of 
action,  and  letting  them  suffer  the  natural 
consequences  of  their  actions,  has,  as  its 
direct  aim,  the  development  of  their 
reasoning  powers.  Every  experiment  a 
child  makes,  every  result  traced  to  its 


230  NURSERY  ETHICS. 

cause,  gives  keener  insight  and  adds  cer- 
tainty to  future  researches  for  truth.  If, 
in  the  physical  world,  he  learns  accurate 
use  of  his  senses,  how  to  detect  flaws  and 
trace  the  reason  of  his  failures,  he  will 
carry  into  the  sphere  of  morals  an  en- 
hanced respect  for  vital  truths  and  a 
tendency  to  keen  observation  of  conduct. 
But  above  all  this,  he  will  be  able  to  ap- 
prehend the  vital  springs  of  human  nature. 
He  will  see  how  impulse  betrays  to  error 
and  that  principles  rule  the  moral  as  well 
as  the  physical  universe.  Thus  trained 
he  realizes  early  the  use  and  abuse  of 
government.  Accustomed  to  look  for 
causes  he  will  not  readily  be  blinded  by 
mere  displays  of  power,  and  will  be  on 
guard  against  all  those  dazzling  shams 
the  world  flashes  before  credulous  eyes. 

But  I  pause  here  to  say  earnestly,  that 
an  education  which  develops  the  practical 
and  logical  side  of  nature  should  not  sup- 
press nor  handicap  the  taste  for  the  beauti- 
ful, the  imaginative,  the  romantic.  The 
Gradgrind  who  would  eliminate  from  the 
realm  of  childhood  the  flowers  of  fancy,  the 
grace  and  sweetness  of  sentiment,  brings 


THE  SCHOOL  BOY.  231 

grim,  ghastly  death  to  the  fairest  side  of 
human  nature.  "  Youth,"  said  Aristotle 
"  prefers  beautiful  to  profitable  conduct." 
Let  it  cherish  its  fairy  dreams  as  relaxa- 
tions from  the  work  of  living;  for  living 
is  sometimes  work  to  the  young  as  well 
as  to  the  old.  But  as  art  and  science  are 
at  once  both  beautiful  and  practical,  the 
education  of  the  sense-perceptions,  while 
conferring  accuracy  and  judgment,  permit, 
also,  free  play  to  the  imagination.  It  is 
not  dealing  with  natural  facts  which 
dwarfs  the  mind,  but  dealing  with  un- 
natural facts  ;  with  the  sordid  side  of  life, 
the  mercenary,  the  grasping  side.  Who  is 
more  practical  than  the  school-boy,  of  the 
type  of  Aldrich,  Eggleston,  and  Holland, 
as  they  are  represented  by  pen  pictures 
scratched  down  when  they  were  at  play 
by  the  mill,  the  river,  the  school-ground  ? 
How  wide-awake,  how  intolerant  of 
humbug,  and  yet  how  fanciful,  how 
tenacious  of  childish  ideas  and  romantic 
whims !  While  encouraging  the  practical 
we  must  not  discourage  the  ideal,  for  the 
two  threads  run  along  side  by  side,  in- 
terweaving in  the  warp  and  woof  of  a 


232  NURSE R  Y  E  THICS. 

symmetrical  character.  And  out  of  sen- 
timent often  comes  useful  action  ;  useful, 
because  noble  and  heroic. 

Youth  worships  heroes,  and  so  learns 
to  emulate.  Love  of  liberty,  of  fair  play, 
of  equal  rights  springs  up  in  the  heart 
from  contemplation  of  the  events  of 
history,  as  well  as  from  the  experiences 
of  everyday  life.  In  perceiving  that  acts 
which  produce  misery  to  others  are  bad 
and  that  to  confer  happiness  is  to  be 
virtuous,  a  boy  feels  the  emotions  of  sym- 
pathy with  the  oppressed,  and  disgust  of 
tyranny.  Presently  he  begins  to  under- 
stand how  the  curbing  of  wild  and 
inconsiderate  impulses  in  himself,  and  the 
cherishing  sentiments  impelling  to  right 
conduct  has  been  the  aim  of  parental 
government,  and  when  conscience  has  so 
far  developed  that  the  wish  is  strong  in 
him  to  do  right,  he  has  become  an 
emancipated,  self-governing  being  whose 
personality  must  "henceforth  be  respected. 

No  such  puerile  sentiment  as  a  wish  to 
keep  power  in  his  own  hands  should  impel 
a  parent  at  this  period  to  substitute 
restraints  of  his  own  for  the  natural 


DR.  FELLENBURVS  SCHOOL.         233 

restraint  consisting  in  the  good  intentions 
of  the  lad  himself.  He  should  be  trusted 
to  look  after  himself  as  far  as  may  be. 
Rousseau,  who  has  in  most  other  respects 
good  sense,  falls  into  the  error  natural  to 
a  Frenchman,  in  advocating  the  encour- 
agement of  timidity,  and  a  servile 
dependence  upon  tutors.  The  broader 
policy  of  modern  educators  places  children 
upon  their  honor,  rendering  them  self- 
respecting  from  the  first.  The  educational 
institutions  of  Switzerland  are  among 
the  best  in  the  world,  and  here  liberty 
is  exercised  in  its  purest  form.  In  Dr. 
Fellenburg's  model  school  social  life  was 
depended  upon  as  the  great  aid  in  training. 
The  boys  were  encouraged  to  become 
critics  of  one  another,  but  in  the  spirit  of 
generosity  and  justice,  not  with  malice. 
It  is  wise  to  make,  thus  early,  public 
opinion  the  instrument  of  restraint,  since 
that  will  be  the  chief  restraining  force  in 
later  life. 

Herein  we  see  the  advantage  of  children 
being  surrounded  from  infancy  by  refined, 
high-minded  companions,  and  not  en- 
trusted to  ignorant  servants.  The  evolu- 


234  NURSE  R  Y  E  THICS. 

tion  of  the  personal  conscience  is  the  end 
of  moral  education.  And  the  quality  of 
the  conscience  depends  upon  the  average 
virtue  of  the  community  in  which  our 
lot  is  cast.  Almost  with  mathematical 
certainty  we  might  predict  that  a  child's 
inclination  toward  virtue  will  not  be 
greater  than  the  sum  of  the  power  for 
good  in  his  educators — heredity  being 
taken  into  account  also  as  against  their 
aggregate  power  for  evil.  The  presence 
of  an  adviser  with  loose  views  may  be 
offset  by  the  magnetism  of  one  strong  in 
uncompromising  rectitude ;  but  here  the 
child  would  be  exposed  to  a  cross-fire 
which  would  bring  about  constant  fluct- 
uations. It  would  be  difficult  to  say 
what  would  be  the  result  of  the  settling 
down. 

Generally,  we  are  influenced  by  our 
equals  more  than  by  superiors  or  those 
we  deem  inferior,  because  the  equality  of 
position  leads  to  the  habit  of  looking  at 
things  from  the  same  point  of  view,  and 
affords  a  chance  for  congeniality.  Children 
are,  consequently,  apt  to  defer  to  the 
opinions  of  each  other,  and  they  find  it 


ACCEPTING  CONSEQUENCES.        235 

harder  to  go  against  this  fiat  of  social  life 
than  to  act  contrary  to  the  admonition  of 
an  elder  who  seems,  in  a  way,  far  off,  and 
not  intimately  associated.  They  learn 
through  pain  and  disappointment  the 
fallacy  of  their  youthful  oracles,  and 
acquire  by  this  means,  and  through  the 
enjoyments  arising  from  happily  chosen 
conduct,  judgment  in  affairs  of  life  and 
behavior. 

We  cannot  spare  our  children  the  suf- 
fering consequent  upon  the  development 
of  their  moral  nature.  It  is  an  experience 
every  soul  must  go  through  for  itself. 
Gradually,  silently,  parents  must  with- 
draw from  active  interference,  and  let  the 
child  face  circumstances  and  accept  the 
consequences.  As  a  veil  hung  before 
tender  eyes  and  lifted  little  by  little  to 
admit  the  full  light  of  day  that  screen 
made  by  parental  solicitude  must  slide 
back.  By  the  time  the  child  has  reached 
his  "  teens  "  and  those  emotions  begin  to 
work  within  him  which  are  to  revolution- 
ize his  nature  and  position,  he  should 
possess  an  equipment  of  self-knowledge 
and  self-control  that  renders  outside  inter- 


236  NUXSER  y  E THICS. 

ference  superfluous.  Such  indirect  influ- 
ence as  can  be  exerted  by  placing  in  his 
way  books  likely  to  take  pleasant  hold  of 
his  imagination,  and  the  permitting  un- 
restricted intercourse  with  persons  of  ex- 
cellent character,  and  above  all,  the  mak- 
ing his  home  pleasant  and  attractive,  will 
be  almost  the  sole  methods  of  help  we 
shall  be  able  now  to  afford.  Government 
is  over  ;  the  rest  is  purely  a  matter  of  in- 
fluence. Made  the  intelligent  agent  of 
his  own  destiny  from  his  earliest  years, 
he  knows  his  faults  and  weaknesses  and 
comprehends  the  uses  of  discipline. 

Julian  Hawthorne,  in  his  novel "  Garth  " 
depicts  in  his  powerful  and  graphic  style, 
the  struggle  of  a  rugged,  strong-willed 
boy  with  his  turbulent  nature.  He  takes 
himself  in  hand  at  the  age  of  twelve  and 
assures  his  gentle,  philosophical  father 
that  when  there  is  a  necessity  for  punish- 
ment he  will  inflict  it  himself.  And  what 
no  external  force  could  have  effected  he 
does  succeed  in  accomplishing,  until,  after 
much  sorrow,  he  arrives  at  maturity  a 
strong,  self-controlled  man. 

Early  discipline  in   self-control   is   the 


RESPONSIBILITIES.  237 

surest  preparation  for  success  in  life. 
Why  should  we  not  get  our  first  lessons 
while  the  cost  will  be  comparatively  light, 
and  there  is  shelter  and  comfort  near  by, 
to  sustain  our  drooping  spirits  ?  We  can 
then  go  forth  equipped  against  similar 
accidents,  possessed  of  knowledge  that  is 
a  bulwark.  Pre-eminent  above  others  is 
the  person  possessed  of  "  good  sense," 
the  faculty  of  seeing  clearly  and  judging 
impartially.  And  it  is  notable  that  per- 
sons so  distinguished  have  usually  been 
thrown  early  upon  their  own  resources 
and  forced  to  think  for  themselves.  Who 
makes  cake  and  forgets  the  flour,  who  has 
perpetual  trouble  with  servants,  and  finds 
every  responsibility  a  burden  too  heavy 
to  be  borne  ?  Who,  but  the  girl  who  was 
denied  access  to  the  kitchen  and  forbid- 
den to  meddle  with  the  store-room,  she 
whose  capable  mother  kept  her  a  pet  and 
wished  her  "  not  to  learn  such  work  and 
then  she  would  never  have  to  do  it." 
What  man  is  pusillanimous  and  unfort- 
unate in  all  his  undertakings  ?  Usually, 
the  one  who  was  kept  close  to  the  hearth 
in  his  boyhood  and  never  suffered  to 


2  38  N17RSEK  Y  E  THICS. 

stray  out  of  sight  for  fear  of  his  coming 
to  harm. 

In  one  of  the  best  governed  families  I 
ever  knew,  the  three  boys,  ranging  in  age 
from  seven  to  eleven,  were  allowed  an 
amount  of  liberty  that  sometimes  occa- 
sioned wondering  comment  from  friends. 
To  all  intents  and  purposes  they  were  as 
free  as  birds,  and  yet  I  recall  no  instance 
of  their  abusing  their  privileges.  On  the 
contrary,  they  seemed  united  to  their 
parents  by  an  unusually  strong  bond  of 
affection.  The  larger  lads  hung  fondly 
about  their  mother's  chair  and  the  little 
man  of  seven  seemed  to  feel  a  deep  sense 
of  his  responsibility  in  taking  care  of  her 
and  of  his  younger  sister. 

This  care-taking  is  a  great  pleasure  to 
a  manly  lad,  and  should  be  permitted 
early.  Let  him  carry  the  satchel,  buy 
the  car-tickets,  select  the  shady  seats. 
Let  the  girl  of  a  dozen  years  feel  that 
she  has  a  great  deal  to  do  in  making  the 
comfort  of  the  family  ;  that  upon  her 
thoughtfulness  depends  largely  the  pleas- 
ure of  others.  Let  her  learn  the  value  of 
money,  how  to  buy,  and  the  limitations 


FAMILY  COUNSELS.  239 

of  an  income.  It  is  a  very  sensible 
custom  to  give  young  people  an  allow- 
ance and  let  them  purchase  their  own 
clothing  and  belongings,  at  first  under 
direction,  afterward  alone.  Extrava- 
gance comes  from  ignorance,  as  parsi- 
mony from  fear,  and  even  an  hereditary 
disposition  to  either  trait  may  be  largely 
overcome  by  wise  management. 

Without  casting  upon  their  young 
shoulders  too  heavy  a  burden  of  care,  I 
think  children  should  understand,  when 
they  show  themselves  reasonable  enough, 
the  worldly  position  of  their  parents.  Is 
it  necessary  to  show  them  the  sordid  side  ? 
It  is  to  be  hoped  not.  But  show  them,  at 
least,  the  practical  side.  Let  them  become 
helpers,  even  counselors.  "  Family  coun- 
sels "  are  something  more  than  a  name, 
and  they  establish  that  mutual  confidence 
which  is  the  safeguard  of  the  young,  the 
comfort  of  their  elder  friends.  The  time 
comes  when  the  spontaneity,  the  de- 
monstrativeness  of  childhood  is  replaced 
by  a  reticence  and  dignity  hard  for  the 
affectionate  parent  to  bear.  But  if  there 
remains  confidence,  he  can  comfort  him- 


240  NURSER  Y  E  THICS, 

self.  The  young  creature  just  learning 
his  responsibilities  will  return  ere  long  to 
pour  his  troubles  and  hopes  into  that 
patient  ear.  It  is  a  physiological  truth 
that  the  young  are  often  most  cold- 
hearted  and  selfish  just  before  reaching 
manhood  and  womanhood,  as  the  coldest 
hours  are  before  sunrise. 

There  are  inevitable  pangs  for  parents 
in  seeing  their  children  grow  away  from 
them.  But  after  all,  these  are  selfish 
sufferings.  We  do  not  sufficiently  realize 
that  we  are  training  our  children  not  for 
ourselves  but  for  the  world,  for  their 
country,  and  above  all,  for  life.  This 
modern  period  in  which  our  destiny  is  cast 
is  one  fraught  with  strange  interest  and 
importance  to  the  future.  It  is  the  age 
of  science,  of  knowledge,  of  experiment, 
of  action,  of  individuality.  The  children  of 
this  generation  have  peculiar  need  of  such 
early  discipline  as  shall  fit  them  to  deal 
with  the  most  intricate  problems  of  mor- 
ality. Empiricism  is  passing  away,  and 
men  are  confronted  personally  with  all 
those  questions  that  were  settled  for  their 
fathers  by  the  vox  Dei.  The  exigencies 


FREEDOM  OF  CHOICE.  241 

of  modern  life  demand  self-poise,  an  inde- 
pendent mental  attitude,  as  well  as  senses 
trained  to  the  nicest  discrimination.  The 
timid  and  vacillating  will  be  overborne  by 
those  possessing  readiness  and  determina- 
tion to  set  truth  above  conventionalities 
and  work  for  the  establishment  of  that 
order  of  things  which  shall  give  the 
greatest  happiness  to  the  greatest  num- 
ber. 

Let  us  recollect  that  the  boys  and  girls 
about  our  hearths  are  the  future  law-givers 
of  the  world.  They  may  have  certain 
qualities  which  make  them  uncomfort- 
able to  deal  with  now  ;  the  very  force 
and  self-confidence  valuable  in  the  future 
citizen  renders  them  intractable  and  rest- 
less under  repressive  government.  We 
must  meet  such  restlessness  by  enlarged 
opportunities  for  action,  and  permit  to 
the  growing  man  and  woman  freedom  to 
exercise  and  develop  faculties  of  which, 
when  maturity  is  reached,  they  will  stand 
most  in  need. 

THE   END. 


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